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Advice for Parents and Nursery Leaders
By Kathryn H. Kidd

We have a few more letters from nursery leaders and from parents, each giving helpful advice to the other about how toddlers can develop a sense of independence at an early age. Let's see what they have to say, and then we'll go on to a new topic next week:

First, tell all parents that you have a problem with any parent opening the door because it sends many children into tears. Reassure them that if their little ones are having a rough time you will do your best before taking any child to any parent, but you will do so.

Parents need to know that each child is different, but all children need to grow up, to learn from others and to be with others their age — and, won't it be nice to be able to listen to the Relief Society lesson in peace?

Also, if there are not two or more nursery people in each room (to facilitate the aforementioned trips), make sure the bishopric/branch presidency pays attention to your plea for help, and if not, send one of them (or each one, separately) in to tend the nursery alone! This advice is courtesy of a friend who once had 16 active kids alone, including a biter. A week after a member of the bishopric went in to help, she had two assistants!

As for the children, most of the time a child has learned that crying brings results , and usually the results he wants — whether it is for candy (given him readily by impatient or untaught parents) or being allowed to play noisily on the floor in Sunday School or Relief Society (or even in Priesthood).

Any child who is using this form of manipulation should be patiently treated with respect and understanding in the nursery, with various different toys, promises of food later (when everyone gets some), or other normal nursery activities. This is another reason for having multiple nursery laps!

It is also good to have dads in the nursery as a third person (as long as there is not just one man and a woman who is not his spouse taking care of the kiddies alone), or a husband and wife team works well with or without a third person. Some kids are happier with a dad than a mom. Grandparents, too, are wonderful, if they are willing.

And all leaders need to learn to be able to tell when it is manipulation and not fear. Sometimes a child's background is fraught with fear of being left, and needs to be addressed by both parent and nursery leader.

My experience with parents depends on the parents. In some cultures there is a tendency for mothers to never leave their children, and this makes nursery difficult. As the local Primary leader, I promised a mom I'd stay with her child in the nursery the whole time. When the mom finally left the nursery that day, the two-year-old daughter lasted through about 15 minutes of crying, most of which was while the mom was there, then got interested in toys and kids. I still stayed, as promised.

The following week, the little girl tried tears for about a minute, figured playing was more fun, so gave over and had a fine time. We had more problems with her after they didn't come to church for a week or two, but eventually all was well. I am now in Relief Society and her next daughter plays with other kids who have parents who just can't leave their kids. Oh well.

I had a daughter who would go to any man who held out his arms to her, but not women unless she knew them. Also once we had twins in the nursery, a boy and a girl. He was fine; she couldn't handle it even when one of us held her most of the time, walking or sitting. Finally we would take her to a parent. Eventually, she could stay the whole time. Not long after, the little boy became the crier, and his sister was fine! But they both ended up happy Sunbeams, because parents and nursery people worked together.

One last note — about getting people to say yes to working in the nursery: One day the entire bishopric came to our house. After several periods of chitchat, I mentioned that my husband was really enjoying his stake calling. I was reassured that they weren't there to call him to anything. Finally they asked me to be in the nursery and I said, "Of course! Did you think I wouldn't say yes? Where else can I sit on the floor and play with kids for an hour and a half?"

And it is true! A no-brainer! Fun! Take the kids to a parent if there's a dirty diaper, don't let them come if they have colds or fevers, and it's a piece of cake!

Susan Cropper
Nampa , Idaho

Thanks for your upbeat attitude, Susan! If you look at the nursery calling as an excuse to sit down and play for an hour and a half, you can't help but enjoy the calling.

What I liked most, though, was that in your experience success was found when “parents and nursery people worked together.” That's the key, isn't it? Everyone is working toward the same goal, so it only makes sense for parents and nursery people to work together.

In our nursery, we encourage parents to accompany their children for a few Sundays before dropping them off and going to class. Parents are usually very willing to do this, and it seems to help the toddler get used to being in a large group (our nursery regularly hosts 22-25 children; we have a lot of young marrieds), and helps the parents even more.

Once the parents are secure, the toddlers have very little trouble, aside from the obligatory five-minute crying spell when they are first dropped off. There is a small window high up in the door to the nursery, so the parents can look in without much danger of the child seeing them. Once the parents feel relaxed, it really is easy for everybody concerned.

The Nursery Grandma
Ann Arbor , Michigan

Nursery windows are marvelous inventions, aren't they, Grandma? And it's probably also a help in your ward to have those extra adults in the room if you're regularly taking care of that many children. Thanks for writing.

Here's a letter from a mother who needs some help:

I am dealing with this same thing (again!). My third child is now starting to deal with this and it seems no amount of bribes, coaxing, or threats does anything! With my second child I felt prompted to make cookies and have the child deliver them to his teacher. It seemed to help him understand that the nursery leaders were real people who wanted to be his friend. (I got tired of waiting for the teacher to come and visit, which is what I would do when I was a teacher!) Plus this is usually what I do when I am struggling with someone — find ways to serve them.

Kellie in Utah

What a good idea, Kellie — to teach your children early how to show kindness to other people! As you pointed out, serving people is a good way to melt the barriers between us and them. If the same tactic isn't working with your third child, here are a couple of simple solutions that might help:

I have five children, ages 21 to 9. I used the same strategy with them all and it worked wonderfully. Each day we had a little routine of "good-byes" with Daddy before he went to work. We just transferred that process to nursery. Daddy would take them to nursery and they would do their silly good-byes and all was well. After a few weeks, I could take them to the nursery as needed.

Sandy
Orem, Utah

Sometimes we invest so much emotion into little issues that they become big problems. It's great in to see that, at least with Sandy 's children, a little preventative medicine kept a potential trauma at bay.

Read on for another simple yet inspired solution to the problem:

We had a little boy in our Primary who would cling to his parents and refuse to come in the door unless his mom or dad would sit right next to him. It had been my observation with other kids that they would usually separate from Dad better than from Mom, so I always suggested having Dad deliver the child to the Primary room, but with this little boy (I'll call him Michael) he clung to Dad as tightly as he clung to Mom.

I had a "chat" with Michael one day, within his father's hearing, but not including the dad in the conversation. I told Michael that I understood that he was having a bad day that day — hey, we all have bad days sometimes. But it was time to start planning to have a good day next Sunday!

I told Michael that next Sunday I would be standing at the door waiting for him, and I would have a sticker to give him when he came in. I told him that during the week, I wanted him to practice at home. He was to call out, "Bye Dad!" and walk through a door. His Dad's job was to call out, "Bye Michael!" and then turn around and go the other way. I reminded Michael that I would be at that door to give him a sticker and welcome him to Primary.

I was amazed at how well this worked. The next Sunday, Michael came to the door for his sticker. Dad disappeared without fanfare, and Michael never had another meltdown at the Primary door. I had stickers ready for him for the next week or two, but didn't need them. Michael is now the first kid through the door every week, with his parents nowhere to be seen. He always stops at the door, but instead of looking for a sticker, he stops to give me a hug.

A Primary President in California

What a great letter, California ! I never would have tried anything like that, but you had the insight to do it and everyone was happier. Sometimes the solutions look very easy after the fact. It's just getting the inspiration that's the hard part.

Here's a letter from regular reader David Schory, writing to us from his post in Iraq . And he starts off with a little commercial that will warm the hearts of all the wives who read it:

I have never been privileged to be a mom, but I know firsthand that it can be an awesome, stressful, thankless, and heavy responsibility at times! However, I did manage to marry a great, wonderful, talented, and beautiful woman named Sharon who has been a fabulous mother to our three older children. I have been a former Primary worker, scout leader for more than 30 years, Sunday School president, Sunday School teacher, high school and college teacher, missionary, Army Officer, and a PTA volunteer. All of those various callings pale in comparison to what a
mom and wife does!

I have a few comments and suggestions to make about the subject of separation anxiety and the Nursery/Sunbeam Class:

As a parent I would say never ever feel awkward, ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty about going into your child's nursery or Sunbeam class at church! My wife and I had a real bad experience in one of our military wards in Germany . One of our children kept complaining that he hated going to the Sunbeam. We found out that the nursery leader in the ward was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing the kids in the Sunbeam class every week. This Sunbeam teacher was a single lady and had never had kids of her own, wasn't married, and didn't know how to react around young kids, especially if they were misbehaving! Based on this bad experience alone I would say that there
should always be at least two or three grownups in the nursery or Sunbeam room at all times. The Boy Scouts and Cub Scouts call this principle Two Deep Leadership and it helps prevent child abuse.

Parents need to know these things:
- who the child's teacher is;
- how the nursery leaders or Sunbeam teacher reacts to stress, crying, screaming, and kids that misbehave;
- if the Nursery leader or sunbeam teacher needs a break once in a while with crying and screaming kids.

Nursery leaders and Sunbeam teachers can invite different parents to help out each week with bringing treats or just helping out in the nursery or Sunbeam class. And Primary leaders should also be checking out the nursery and Sunbeam Classes too — throughout the meeting times!

Maybe the ward inservice leader needs to help the nursery leader prepare lessons for the kids that will hold their interest and teaches her or him about the short attention span of small kids. Remember, nursery leaders and Sunbeam teachers are volunteers in the
church — not paid professional child care providers, not paid professional teachers, or paid professional baby-sitters!

Our ward also has a small peephole in the nursery door so that parents can look in on their kids during the church meetings and not disturb the classes.
I would also say that all kids mature at different rates and every kid is different. Who really cares if a child wants to sit with a parent in a Sunday School class or priesthood class instead of attending a nursery class or a Sunbeam class? Isn't the bonding between a parent and a child crucial in the formative years?
Also, how about inviting the kids and their parents from the nursery class or the Sunbeam class over to your house for Birthday parties, special occasions, or just to do something fun together as a group? Invite the teachers, too! That way your child gets to know the other people in the class besides just on Sundays — and you get to know the other parents in the classes as well.

Too many times in too many of our wards and branches we only see each other on Sundays. When a child develops friends in a class, he will be more apt to play and associate with them and not feel like they are strangers and foreigners in a strange land. Then Mom and Dad won't need to worry about separation anxiety; it will take care of itself!

And finally thank your nursery leaders and Sunbeam teachers for the work they do every week on behalf of your kids! Remember they are volunteers. Discuss your separation anxieties with them and your Primary leaders as well. They may have great ideas as well on how to cope with this problem!

David A. Schory
Task Force, Business and Stability Operations -- Iraq

Thanks for some great suggestions, David. Be safe this week!

I was a nursery leader for several years and have a few ideas that I hope will be helpful:

Every child develops at his own pace. When you have a nursery full of 18-month-olds up to 3-year-olds, this is pretty obvious! What an age range! Some kids just aren't ready to be in the nursery without their parents; that's the way it goes. Rather than try to force it, it's best to find individual solutions.
No one knows the child like his/her own parents. Although it's hard not to compare another family situation against your own, judging won't help. Respect the parents' role in doing what's best for their child. Like Nephi going to his father to ask where to hunt after his bow broke, defer to the parents' judgment in meeting their child's needs.
Instead of focusing on what you think the parents should be doing with their child, work on controlling the area that is under your stewardship; the nursery or Primary class. If the parent is disrupting the entire class, that's certainly something that can be addressed with a procedure about how to "check in" on children with a minimum of disruption.
Make the problem part of the solution. We had one child who couldn't bear to be separated from his parents, so the boy's father sat on the floor in the nursery every Sunday. The bishop called him to help in the nursery, and we put him in charge of a short active game each week. It was adorable and very fun for everyone. About four months later, when the little boy was feeling more secure, his dad was released and called to serve elsewhere.
Be prepared to make exceptions to allow for individual needs. We had some twin girls who were so dependent upon the adults in the class that someone had to carry them around for almost their first year in nursery. If we put them down, they cried for their parents, so we got a little extra help to hold them. They eventually outgrew it; no biggy.
Don't let yourself get emotional about what happens with the children. It's hard to handle a child who acts out every week, and sometimes you can find yourself taking it personally ? as if the child was purposely trying to cause problems. It's not the child's fault and it's not yours either; it's a child development issue.
Make sure your class or nursery time is worth the child's participation. I gave the children teaching aids to take home each week so they could "teach" the lessons we had to their parents and reinforce all the things we'd learned together. Because that's a pretty tall order for an 18-month-old, I also sent home a lesson sheet for the parents each week. It featured a drawing about the lesson topic that the child could color at home, some quotes about the lesson's main principles and the songs that we used in class that day printed on the back. Along with the child's teaching aid handout, the parents could use the lesson sheet for their family home evenings ? which made our nursery a pretty valuable commodity! Because it was, the parents were very invested in getting their kids comfortable in the nursery. It's been 12 years since I last served as a nursery leader, and I still see younger siblings of the kids I taught playing with those teaching aids during sacrament meeting!
As with everything else, addressing separation anxiety challenges works best with love and prayer. I think nursery and early primary classes are special and the leaders/teachers are blessed for every one of their efforts. Heavenly Father will guide those efforts and you will be blessed as you deepen your love for his little ones!

Jackie in Washington

What an amazing letter, Jackie! I've never heard of a nursery leader going to so much trouble to plan lessons ? or to send home follow-up material to the families. What a great nursery leader you must have been! Thanks for writing.

Regarding kids adjusting to the nursery, I have experience on both ends ? as a mom and a nursery leader. With my own kids, I had very little trouble with them adjusting. I think some of it has to do with personality, but when I dropped them off, I tried to display great enthusiasm so they would get excited to play with the toys, and so on.

As a nursery leader, one of the most successful tricks we discovered was to have a "grandpa" called to the nursery. We had some kids who responded better to men than women. His job was strictly to hold and rock or play with anyone who needed/wanted it. He didn't have to teach or anything. There were always two others to do that. It worked like magic!

Inger
Upland, California

What a great idea, Inger ? to call a man to be a grandpa lap! I'll bet you had no trouble filling that calling in your ward!

And finally, we have a plea from a nursery leader whose letter will show you how much she loves her calling:

Although single with no children of my own, I serve in the nursery in a busy ward in Mesa , Arizona . After many years in young single adult and single adult wards, it is a real treat to be in a ward with parents and children, and working in the nursery is a joy.

We do have a few kids, however, who suffer from separation anxiety. One of them seems to have a legitimate problem, and we are happy to work with him and his dad on a regular basis.

Most of the kids with “separation anxiety,” however, are just fine, and it's the parents who create the problem. Sometimes I just want to grab the parents and shake them to get their attention and say, “Leave him!”

When we finally get the lingering parents to leave, the kids do cry ? but rarely for very long. What the parents don't know is that holding and comforting their sobbing little ones for a few minutes and then engaging them in play is often the highlight of my Sabbath (right after the sacrament, of course). I guess I'm saying, “Just leave your kids! It might not be in the same way as you, but we love them too. We'll take good care of them, and if they really need you, we'll come find you.”

Sign me,
Just let me do my job

What a great way to end the topic, Job! It's great to be reminded that not only may the nursery workers actually be able to calm the little ones, but they may also even enjoy it. Parents, if your children are causing a problem in the nursery that the nursery leaders can't solve, your nursery workers will more than likely take the initiative and go find you. Otherwise, enjoy your meetings with the confidence that your children are in good hands, and may even be having a great time with the other children and the nursery leaders.

Until next time — Kathy

“Moderation in all things — including moderation.”

Karol Abendschein

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