Not only do Church members disagree on how young children should be dropped off at nursery on Sundays, but they don't even agree on whether they should be dropped off at all.  Who knew? I guess everyone did but me!

Let's start with the letters from people who doubt the whole concept of sending children to nursery at age 18 months. Then we'll progress to letters from people who have found non-traumatic ways to do it:

I don't believe Primary workers should be judging parental choices about their own children. I understand that what you see on Sunday can be frustrating, especially when you have just worked for 15 minutes to help the child feel comfortable and then the parent comes back and "starts the whole thing over again." But I think we can all remember that what we are seeing is a small part of this child's life and we do not know the whole situation.

Also, some children are not ready to be separated from their parents at 18 months, 3 years, or even 12 years old! It is okay. We are all different, and each child we work with has different needs. It is okay.  In fact, it is fabulous! All children are not on the same timeline of development and we need to remember the goal of Primary is not to get a child to separate from his parents, but to help to have that child return to his/her Heavenly Father as a family unit.

I have seen how poisonous judging other's parenting choices can be, both from my own judgments and being judged myself. It hurts. It causes disunity in the ward. It creates a feeling of not being safe.  It does not nurture loving feelings.

We need to focus on our behavior and only our behavior. Are we being loving, welcoming, and supportive or is there anything in our behavior that is encouraging the child to not want to come to class?

Tracy in Idaho

You bring up a good point, Tracy . We shouldn't be judgmental about the reason behind a child's separation anxiety. We don't know what's going on in the child's home!

However, the people who have been called to be nursery leaders do have stewardship over the children who are taken to nursery or Primary . And the parents wouldn't be taking their children to the classes if they didn't want them to be there. (If the parents weren't even taking the children to nursery or Primary classes, but were keeping them in the hall or in Relief Society or priesthood classes, that would be another story ? one that I'm not even going to attempt to address here!)

That being the case, I think it's helpful to find ways for the children to be happy once they get to their age-appropriate classes. And fortunately, some of our readers have some excellent suggestions.

You're not alone, though. Here is another viewpoint that echoes yours:

Mothers and fathers need to remember that children are only little for a while.  Too soon they are grown up and gone.  Nursery is optional ? the manual clearly states this (Note 1).  I don't believe that a crying nursery-aged child should be left by his/her parents. The manual states that a parent should stay with a crying child (Note 2) or if the child starts crying after the parent has left, he should be taken to a parent (Note 3). 

Katie Doyle
Provo , Utah (mother of 3 so far)

Excellent letter, Katie! Who can argue with the manual? Besides, you certainly don't want church to be associated with fear ? much less, terror ? in anyone's mind, especially in the tender mind of a child.

I'm hoping, though, that our readers have come up with some suggestions to make sure there isn't any trauma. I have my fingers crossed!

Here's one more letter that talks about making sure the child is ready before sending him or her to nursery, instead of doing it by the calendar:

As a mother of six, I can tell you that normal children develop on their own timetable. I am not convinced that forcing our perceptions on when a child is ready to separate works. 

My daughter never did make it to nursery, but at the time how I wish she would have!  Dad was always the one to try to drop her off, which had always worked for the others.  Now that she is 19, at BYU-I, she only calls home when she needs something. 

My youngest son now 6, also was not willing to separate. I became a nursery leader, then a teaching assistant in Sunbeams and now am the Primary pianist.  But, as he has been diagnosed as having autism spectrum disorder, I have high hopes that his strong emotional attachment will help him to overcome some of his other challenges. 

It is beyond the scope of a normal nursery leader or Primary teacher to ascertain what the situation is.  If the mother isn't comfortable leaving, have her stay and lead an activity, read a story or lead the music time.  Welcome her participation with open arms, but discourage the in-and-out thing. 

In the same Primary class as my youngest son they needed a second adult because there is an ADD girl and another high-functioning autistic boy ? and he was a runner when he first came.  You should have seen the Primary presidency running in their high heels to catch him as he was heading for the busy street that runs in front our meetinghouse.  He was fast enough that it truly was scary. 

Sunbeams is still so young to know what is going on with the child. Involve the parents if they are willing, and don't feel that it is your failure if something doesn't work.  Just try something else. Every child is a puzzle with wonders to expose.

Midwest Mom

Great letter, Midwest ! You made several good points, such as inviting the parent to stay with the child, but not to go in and out of the class. But the clincher was that last line of yours. Children are all so wonderfully different. Even in the same family, what works with one child may not work with another. Here are several pages of suggestions from people who are going to let us know what has worked in their experience:

I'm writing this email in response to your request for responses to Andrea Slack in Houston, TX.

I've dealt with severe separation anxiety in my now 6-year-old son, so I've been searching for answers to this topic for many years.  I can share with you the things that worked for us through the years, so hopefully they will be of help to other mothers out there.

First of all, I was not willing to let my child "cry it out" in nursery/Primary, or even to sneak away from him, since I knew this would only further increase his trauma and distrust of me. I knew through personal inspiration and study that those methods would have a harmful effect on my son.  I also knew they were contrary to how Christ himself would treat children, and contrary to the nursery manual's guidelines. So, the solutions I sought were of a more gentle and patient nature. 

To be honest, most of the time these solutions meant adjusting my attitude, not my child's behavior.

First, I was unwilling to leave him alone in nursery crying. If he was unhappy there, or unwilling to relax and play with the other children, I simply stayed with him. This way, he was able to begin to see nursery (and by extension, church itself) as a fun place to be. If I had tried to leave him, his focus would have been on the separation, not the fun. 

Eventually I was called to serve in nursery "since I was there anyway."  I believe this helped to establish a solid foundation for him of experiencing church as a fun and happy place, not one of stress and anxiety.

Once we reached the stage in his life where we felt the need to try more separation, I kept a few rules firmly in place. I would not ever sneak away from him, and I would never let him cry more than a minute or two. I would give him a hug, tell him I was going to the bathroom and I'd be back in a minute. I started with small trips like this, to slowly stretch his ability to handle the separation. 

Sometimes there would be tears, but in a 3-4-year-old, these are much different than in an 18-month-old.  By this age, his understanding and attachment were much more established.  Still, sometimes he would be upset over the choice I made to step out for a few minutes.  I would stand by the door and listen, so I could determine if the tears were going to stop quickly or get worse.  If they didn't stop within a minute or two (at most), I would come back in and congratulate him for being so brave while I was gone.  It didn't matter if he was not brave at all; I wanted the message to be one that was positive and reassuring that he was capable. 

Eventually I was able to leave for the last 10-15 minutes of class, then the last half hour, then the entire second half of Primary.  We worked through these stages slowly, always watching his behaviors at both church and home to see how he was handling it.  If we were going too fast, we could tell, and we would slow down. 

For us, it was a really long and hard journey helping him to develop his confidence and independence at church.  But I knew without doubt that if his first experiences at church were negative, that feeling would stay with him throughout his life, and would taint his very testimony.  I was willing to sacrifice my own class-time, as well as endure the disapproving looks and stares of all the other leaders and teachers, in order to take care of my primary responsibility ? my son.

I know with most children, the transition will not be anywhere near as difficult as my experience with my son.  But I do believe that the same guidelines of gentleness and Christlike behavior toward these precious little ones should be employed with all children. 

My first few weeks of taking a new little one to nursery would mean that I stay with him/her to observe and see how the child does in the class.  After a couple weeks of this, I would say goodbye for the last portion of class ? 15 or 30 minutes, or whatever you think your child can handle.  If they can only handle 5 minutes, then leave for the last 5 minutes. 

I would always stay outside the door to listen, and if my child cried too long, I'd come back early and try a shorter time the next week.  Each week, I would try leaving for a little bit longer than last time.  I would always make sure to tell the child goodbye.  I can't imagine how distressing it must be for a little one, who is already nervous of being in this new place, to suddenly look around and find that all familiar faces are gone!  Always say goodbye and your child will learn that you will never leave unless they know about it.  What a wonderful gift of trust! 

Along with this routine of slowly increasing separation time, I would see if one of the nursery leaders could work on establishing a special friendship with my child, so that the child would feel safe with that person in your absence.  Make sure you inform the nursery leaders of your plans, so they can work with you, not against you. 

Many well-meaning nursery leaders have been known to let a child cry for 20-30 minutes, not wanting to bother the parents.  I would make it clear that this is not okay, and ask their help in making this a gentle and positive transition for your child. 

Most of all, I would be sure to pray often about how best to help that particular child, since all children are unique.  Some children will have no problems and will be comfortable staying within just a week or two, and others will take months to adjust.  You, as a mom, know your child best, and the Lord has promised to give you specialized inspiration regarding that child.  He will, without doubt, help you know what to do, if you will ask Him.

Jennifer in Provo , Utah

Thanks for letting us know what works for you, Jennifer. You're a gem to take that much time to allow your child to acclimate to a strange new situation. Not all parents have the insight to realize how important those extra steps can be for some children. And thanks for pointing out that specialized inspiration regarding a child has been promised to mothers who ask.

Read on for the viewpoint of a professional teacher:

I have had a lot of experience in this area, as far as young children and Primary go. I have two of my own, have served in Primary as a teacher and in a presidency, and also teach preschool.

I found the best thing a parent can do is to let go and let the teacher take over, with lots of assurance that the parent will be contacted immediately if the crying gets worse or doesn't stop in a reasonable amount of time. Then the parent needs to leave, alone or kindly escorted by someone in charge. 

No parent wants to leave their child crying, imagining he or she will be screaming the next two hours and permanently damaged as a result. That being the case, letting the parents peek back once after five minutes, then again at the end of the hour helps ? as long as they are able to do it without letting the children see. Many meetinghouses now have windows in the doors that can be peeked through without disrupting the people inside.

However, all children are different. Sometimes, it is better to ease into things, with the parent sitting in the back for a Sunday or two to give a reassuring wave. If the problem is a real one, such as an emotional disorder that needs to be dealt with in a certain manner, take that into account!

In cases where the child is having a really hard time letting go of mom's skirt, it might just be easier for everyone involved to call mom to teach the class. The child will be in Primary, the other kids can learn their lesson without being distracted by tears or tantrums, and the Primary gets a willing helper.

As a presidency, these are some things that we do to help in our very large and young Primary (102 children, plus 30 in the nursery, and growing!). When children are about 16 months, they are invited to visit the nursery with Mom or Dad for a few weeks to meet the teachers and other kids for short amounts of time with Mom close by.

After the big half-birthday, they are allowed to be dropped off. There are always two teachers, one to play and maintain order and the other to hold the new one until the child is feeling better. If it helps, we place siblings together to allow the younger one to be comforted by the older. 

Sometimes mom and dad are asked to stay for a few weeks if the child prefers gradual transitions. Other times they are asked to "drop and run" if their child is one to stop crying as soon as mom and dad are out of the room.

Never, ever let parents sneak out, though: the child will think whenever he or she lets go and turns to play that Mom or Dad will disappear. He or she won't trust the teacher or the parents to tell the truth when they say, "Mom is right here," or "Come and play, and Mom will be over there by the door." A fast goodbye with a "be back after snack" is much better, even if the teacher needs to take the child from the parent at that point; at least the child knows what everyone is doing.

If the nursery classes can follow a routine ? such as play, snack, lesson, songs, bubbles ? it really helps. The kids know what to expect, that Mom always comes back during bubble time, or they get to sing their favorite song after snack. The older nursery kids start practicing Primary in October, with increasingly longer visits so the big room in January isn't so scary.

We also try to bump our teachers in nursery and junior Primary, having the teachers move up right along with the kids, giving them one less change to deal with.

Once the kids enter Primary we operate on "what works best for the child." We have one who won't leave his mother alone as long as she is in the room, so she performs her presidency duties from the hall, and her little boy stays in class.

One little girl will come to Sunbeams as long as she has a job, so she is in charge of holding the crayon box for her teacher each week. One teacher gives every child a job, from line leader to bathroom monitor to CD player carrier. All her kids feel important: "You can't leave yet! Who will carry the chalk box?"

One little girl walks with me up and down the hall once to check on the older classes, then goes to Primary after the chaos has cleared and everyone is settled into their seats. She just couldn't handle the noise and confusion.

We may have to move kids around until we find the right fit, such as little girl who is more comfortable with a girl teacher, or the boy who likes the nursery leader that looks like his grandma. Or the cousins who will only come to Primary if they can sit together so one meets with the class a year older than she is, or the boy who keeps a toy car in his pocket to rub when he gets scared or overwhelmed.

If the parents request their child be put in a certain class, we try to honor their request so that they are comfortable with the situation as well. If Junior's favorite babysitter is Sister X, then why not put him in her nursery class?

We had our first quarterly activity of the year on the first Saturday in January. We had a pajama party and pancake breakfast for all of the Primary kids and teachers ? no parents allowed! The kids sat at tables with their new classmates and teachers and had breakfast, followed by get-to-know-you games. The next day when everyone had to go their new class, they already knew their teacher, who knew them by name, and their classmates. It made things a lot less scary for everyone!

As a parent, I have had to learn some coping strategies of my own. My daughter had four different Sunbeam teachers (we are in the military) to get used to. We finally realized that if they could be her friends, they wouldn't be so scary. So we invite the new teacher (or upcoming teacher if it is a new year) to lunch, or to meet at the park, or bring her kids for a play date, as soon as we can so that the teacher isn't a stranger.

My children invite their nursery or Primary teachers to birthday parties, school plays, dance recitals, and family home evening because they are thought of as their friends ? and the teachers usually come and are excited at the invitation. Also, as soon as I know the other children in the class, I invite them over for play dates.

It helps when they don't attend the same school to be able to make friends outside of the chapel, so that when we do meet on Sunday they have a friend to sit by. It also helps to go visit the classroom and Primary room during sacrament meeting or before church when there is no one else there. The child can look at the posters on the wall, sit in the chairs, stand at the lectern, and so on, to increase the room's familiarity with no new faces trying to pry him away from his mommy.

Finally, the best advice I have to follow the lead of the Spirit. How do you know if a child needs a firm hand or a loving hug? Pray about it at your meeting and do what you are inspired to do; it will usually work!

Jannet Cross
Augusta, Georgia

What a terrific letter, Jannet! I love the way your Primary focuses on each child as an individual, rather than a generic boy or girl of a specific age. The idea of giving each child a responsibility so they'll all have a role to play in the class is truly inspired. I like your pre-Primary orientation, too. Thanks for writing!

If you have talked to your kids about what to expect and how to handle situations, then you as a mother will have less anxiety. One reason to watch TV and go to the movies with your kids is to have detailed conversations about the way things were handled in the shows you watch. You can ask if the kids in the show were honest did they stand up for their beliefs, did they wear appropriate clothes and use appropriate language. You can also ask if they were prepared to handle finances, cooking, clothing, home chores, school work, transportation, health issues, social trauma, and other things.
 
I currently teach nursery and have found if you give the kids a tour of the space and activities and then let them know there are options to choose from, they will be so busy making new choices that the anxiety will not last long. Distraction is a great way to sidetrack a child's fears.

Have the parents talk about the people and things in the nursery during the week. Confirm in your conversation that it is a great place to hang out for a while. It is a temporary place and parents are nearby and will be back soon. Make them feel grown up by pointing out it is a class just for them and you are needed in a class just for you.

Kids may yearn for familiar places as well as people. My grandson is 4 and just moved a few blocks from his old home. There is a four-lane highway between his old and his new house, and I am hoping he will not want to go back to hang out at his old house that was so fun. I hope he will want to stay close to mom and dad at their new house and not go on an adventure on his own. We must help him know the new place is a good place to stay, and visiting the old home requires the assistance of an adult.

So safety is another appeal to our kids. Reinforce that you want them to be safe. You want them to have things to do and people around that will safeguard their well being. 

As kids grow up they flip-flop through stages of needing or wanting parents and adults to be in charge and then onto being all grown up and independent. A parent must be patient with attitudes and always be willing to point out when there are missing pieces in their outlook or perspective. It is not that the kids are wrong; they just do not have the same vision and foresight we have gained. Sometimes I direct them to get opinions from others who are familiar with the
issues they are dealing with.
 
My six kids are now young adults, with their first degrees tucked under their graduation caps. A few are very anxious about their careers, asking for lots of reassurance about their future choices. We have spent 20 years talking about occupations and places to live, lifestyles and eternal companions. Right now they seeking opinions, I am sure they do not want all the advice but mostly want to know they are headed in the right direction with the right tools in their toolboxes.

We are all children of our Heavenly Father. If we follow the pattern set out in the scriptures, we are assured that if we are seeking righteousness, then the Holy Ghost will guide us. If we can help our little ones and even our peers feel confident in their surroundings, then fear will leave and the transition will be less traumatic.
 
The simple steps would include these:

• Communicate about the expected situation, 
• Sort out any feelings of uncertainty,
• Reconfirm the details,
• Help organize the situation (if necessary), so the situation is familiar even if not exactly as you want it laid out,
• Go in with high hopes and positive communication about coping,
• Dismantle as much fear and anxiety as possible.

Great letter, Collette! I just love a checklist!

My favorite thing you said was that we should help our peers as well as our little ones feel comfortable in their surroundings. What a wonderful concept ? to always be on the lookout for ways we can make others feel welcome and accepted and safe! That's a great way to end today's column.

For those of you who got emails from me that said your letters would run on Monday and then didn't see your letters, it's not that I lied. The time just got away from me. Look for your letters (and your most excellent suggestions) next week.

Until next time ? Kathy

“To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”

Bertrand Russell