There is no slowdown in the number of letters I've been getting about visiting teachers. We've all had good ones and bad ones, and many of us have been good ones and bad ones. There's something we can all learn from this topic, so here is today's batch of letters.

I'm sure that you will get a cartload of responses on the topic of Visiting Teachers.  I have been in Relief Society for 37 years, so I have had my share of the good, the bad and the horrible. 

About 36 years ago, my now ex-husband was stationed at Ft. Lewis, Washington.  We had a one-year-old little boy at the time.  One day, I was feeling awful with the flu or something, and my visiting teachers showed up.  I let them in, and they could tell that I just needed to go back to bed.  I was about 20; they were probably 10 or so years my senior. 

Without saying, "What can we do for you?" one of them picked up my little boy and asked where his diaper bag was.  The other asked where my dirty clothes were.  They took my little guy for the day, and my dirty laundry!  Sisters, this was in the days before disposable diapers!

They came back several hours later, with a happy little guy who had made some new friends, a basket of clean laundry, including two dozen now clean, cloth diapers, not to mention a tasty casserole for our dinner.  Then they went into my kitchen and washed a sinkful of dirty dishes for me.  Not once did they ask what I needed.  They saw a need and acted on it!  I was able to get some much needed sleep that day.  I wish I could remember the names of those two angel sisters!

A few years later, I was living in California, near Fort Ord.  I was assigned to a certain sister.  I had tried and tried to contact her, but to no avail.  So one day, my companion and I decided to just drive over to her house.  When we got there, she & her husband were loading the final items onto a truck; they had gotten on-base housing.  Their former home was clean and there was nothing that we could do at that point to help them.

A few months later, we too got on-base housing and I was soon assigned my new visiting teaching route. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I was again assigned that same sister who had moved away from our former ward! 

One day, my companion and I (dressed in our Sunday best, as was the rule for visiting teaching) had a prayer before leaving my driveway.  My companion asked for the Spirit to be with us that we would be in tune with any needs of our sisters.  When we got to Sandy's home, we gave her the lesson, and then asked if there was anything that we could do to help her.  She sighed and said that she wished that we could help her with a huge problem that she was having with her credit union, but knew that we couldn't.  She then proceeded to tell us about a serious problem that they were having with the credit union. 

After listening to her, I said, "Why don't you try doing this...."  I then gave her some instructions.  They were not from me!  I have no idea what I told her.  I was simply the Lord's mouthpiece.  She thanked me for the advice.  When we came back the following month, she thanked me for the advice and said that she did exactly as I had counseled her, and that everything worked out just fine!

On the flip side, here's an example of where my visiting teachers totally missed the mark. A few years ago, I had a hysterectomy. My doctor did a few extra things as well, and put me on strict bed rest for three weeks.  I was to do nothing ! I was only allowed to lift things under a couple of pounds.  

After much pleading, I was able to get a few meals brought in.  A couple of days after I got home from the hospital, one of my visiting teachers showed up at my door, holding a very large casserole.  I got up and hobbled to the door.  She said, "Here's your dinner!  Bye!" as she plopped the huge meal in my weak arms, turned around and left.  It took all of my strength to get it over to the kitchen table.

I appreciated the meal, but would have appreciated it more if she would have come in, set it in the kitchen for me, then asked how I was feeling and stayed and visited with me for a few minutes.  My husband was gone 12 hours a day, and so was my 18-year-old daughter.  I was in a lot of pain and I was lonely.

My suggestions are:

I'm a coward... just sign me,

A Grandmotherly Sister

Thanks for a great letter, Grandmotherly! I liked how you started off with excellent visiting teaching examples before giving an example where the visiting teacher wasn't up to snuff. I liked your checklist, too. It's amazing to me how we can forget the names of people who have done such great acts of kindness to us, but time is the grand eraser. There are visiting teachers who have done outstanding acts of service to me, too, and whose names are lost for this life. I'll have to wait till the next life to thank them.

I have to say, I could sort of relate to this problem.  I've never been reprimanded by my visiting teachers, and for the most part, I have had good ones. However, quite a few years ago I also had a pair of visiting teachers who would sit and talk to each other about an intestinal disease that they both had.  I was quite a bit younger than they were, and wasn't particularly interested in their intestinal issues.  After 45 minutes or so they would pop off my couch and ask me if there was anything they could do for me, and I would think to myself, "Yes, if you ever see a bench in my front yard, just sit on it the next time you come, tell your intestinal stories to each other, then leave and count me done!"  It is annoying to feel like an afterthought when your visiting teachers come over.

On the other hand, I have also had visiting teachers who loyally came to see me even when I wasn't very active in church.  They did not always deliver their gospel message to me — in fact, they rarely did. We went out for dinner or lunch once a month, and we would talk about our lives, and what was going on.  They became my friends, and as a result, were people that I would call if I ever needed anything. 

I am still very close to one of those ladies, and in fact am her visiting teacher.  I love her with all my heart, and appreciate the fact that she was willing to not just make it her "job" to get into my house to see me, but she made getting to know me and being my friend the biggest priority.  I am now very active in the Church, and have new visiting teachers, but if I ever really needed anything, I would still call her!

A reader from Colorado

Thanks for writing, Colorado. Your letter, read right after the letter from Grandmotherly, shows how individualized visiting teaching visits should be. Women have greatly different needs from other women, and in fact we have greatly different needs in one period of our lives from our needs in another time frame. Effective visiting teaching can't be done with a cookie cutter, and your letter illustrates that.

It feels guilty to me, even discussing such a hallowed calling. I have to admit to a certain hesitancy to accept visits and a reluctance to make them. It has to do with personal discomfort with being checked on and of intruding. I certainly do not feed free to criticize or to chasten, and would not accept the same from anyone else.

Two experiences have made me appreciate my visiting teachers as the spiritual friends they are intended to be. The first was when my 84-year-old father came to live with my husband (a nonmember) and me here in the South. He was in bad health, so he stayed in the room where my visiting teachers came to visit me and claimed them as his own.

They were always kind and thoughtful to him, listening to his stories and including him in the lesson. He enjoyed them so much. It helped his transition to a new area and a new ward.

The second happened about a year ago. I had a very frightening incident at a local department store when it appeared that I was having a stroke (I didn't). Seated on a shelf near the floor, unsuccessfully trying to get someone's attention for help, I heard a familiar voice. My visiting teacher, annoyed that she could not find a product for which she was looking, came into the aisle where I was.

By then a clerk had come over, but my visiting teacher was able to call my husband with her cell phone and stayed to comfort and support me until he arrived. Later at the hospital, she said she didn't even know why she was there, because she never even shops at that particular store but prefers another closer to her. I was so grateful for her presence at a much needed time. It gave me the assurance that all would be well, after all.

Peggy Jones
Little Rock Ward
Little Rock Arkansas Stake

Thanks for showing us, Peggy, that there are even more ways visiting teachers can help out. One is to show concern for other family members of the person you visit teach. The other — which is considerably more time-consuming! — is to live a life that allows you to be spiritually worthy to receive promptings that will help the people on your route. Thanks for the reminders!

My basic complaint about visiting teachers is that you become great friends and then their route is changed and they no longer know you.

“Is there anything we can do for you?” is a rotten question. Why can't they be specific and suggest something? Who is really going to tell them something with a vague question that seems to be routine for them to say?

I have had wonderful visiting teachers except for the young ones who talked the entire time about the difficulty getting babysitters for their babies.

A sister somewhere in the U.S.

I agree with you, Somewhere, that “Is there anything we can do for you?” is a rotten question. I hope that this thread of letters will teach visiting teachers to be more intuitive when they — when we — visit teach.

As for people “no longer knowing you” after they've been reassigned, there may be reasons for that. I once had a visiting teacher who showed up every month, but who would never speak to me when she saw me in church. I thought this was bizarre behavior!

It took years for me to realize what the problem was. This particular visiting teacher was very short. Her eye level was exactly at my chestal area. She was also very shy. She could talk to me when we were sitting down in my house, but when we were standing up and she was staring at my more than ample chestal area she was just too embarrassed to speak to me. She wasn't a snob — she was just shy.

Live and learn!

It is easy to want to tell another sister not to be so sensitive and that nobody's perfect but I think it sometimes needs to be brought up. Making someone feel bad about her life is the opposite of what visiting teaching should be. And I have come to the realization as of late that life is too important to waste on things that make us hurt or feel bad (without purpose) — even if that means not inviting certain people into your life.  [The person who started this thread] was right to say something. How many times has this happened to someone with a weaker testimony?

In the Church there are many people who have no idea how thoughtless they are. And although we as individuals should do our best not to be offended, we should also take care so as not to offend. I have a tendency to offend the very sensitive soul once in awhile, and although it hurts to discover I'd done so, I am usually grateful for the opportunity to make it better if possible.

Unlike the writer of the letter I have had some great visiting teachers, but sadly have not been such myself. This topic has prompted me to to apply what I learned for those who visit taught me to my visiting teaching.

The things they did that affected my life for good were:  

• Listening to my ideas about the gospel and life when I was a young, know-nothing (due to inexperience) 18-year-old.
• Coming faithfully, which let me know I was not forgotten.
• Having a great spiritual discussions and discussing application of the principles taught.

The spiritual discussion is my favorite part and the most uplifting, and I think we sometimes treat it as a burden to the person we are visiting (myself included). I hope we can learn from this sister and not be sensitive to the extent that we do nothing because we are afraid to offend. We need to be more sensitive in the respect that we are listening to what is really going on with our sisters.

My best visiting teacher was one who sat on the floor by me and held my hand during a difficult time. 

My worst experience was a visiting teaching partner who was so busy we had to drive separately to each house  (no time for prayer together), stay 10 minutes between our sister's family schedule (instead of choosing a time good for everyone), and find out that the message had been emailed from her workplace.   The vision of actually being there for someone as sister/partners, and bringing a short spiritual message and fellowship, was just lost in “checking off boxes” in order to get credit for doing her visiting teaching.   

My mother — and I'm sure the Lord taught her this concept — taught me, “If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right.”   I know we're all very busy, but the worth of visiting teaching is the worth of a soul .

R., somewhere in Georgia

Thanks for reminding us, R, that we are all busy, and that one person can't allow her schedule to trump everyone else's. That's a common problem, and it's not just limited to visiting teaching. Everyone's own day is just as important to him or her than everyone else's.

I am also someone who is active in the Church with many callings in the past years, including being a visiting teacher.  I have mixed feelings about visiting teaching since I have never had a positive experience with visiting teaching, either in being visited or in visiting.

I do have faith and hope that the program is good although my testimony of that has been sorely tested.  I hear the stories of those who have been touched by visiting teaching, been served during a time of trial, brought back into full activity and fellowship in the gospel or made lifelong friends who have enriched their lives and I'm happy for them.  I'm glad they had such a wonderful experience! I hope that maybe someday, in the future, I will also experience such joy, either in visiting someone or being visited.  

But I am tired of visiting teachers who walk into my home and exclaim how excited they are to visit me because of how much I will teach them or help them with their problems.  I also get the comment of how glad they were to be assigned to me because their last people needed a lot of help and they know I won't. 

I feel such comments are a putdown to me, as a human being experiencing a mortal existence, heir to all the same problems, frustrations and trials as everyone else. I am also tired of being assigned companions who need as much help as the people we visit so that I end up helping my companion and the people we are assigned, all by myself without help. 

I came up with a few suggestions for visiting teachers and are some things I'm trying to do or not do myself:

1. Don't be critical of the sister you are visiting no matter how messy or cluttered her house, life, or children.
2. Don't talk about your own problems when visiting the sisters assigned to you. You are there to help them, not them help you.
3. Don't criticize or gossip about others, either with your companion or the sister you are visiting.
4. Don't lean on your companion to help you with your problems; that is what your visiting teachers are for. Instead, try to help your companion meet the needs of the sisters you are visiting.
5. Don't expect that you will become bosom buddies with every sister you visit or with your companion. As long as you are there for your sisters when they need you and are willing to teach and help them, it is enough.  Friendship is something that can take more time than a lot of sisters have to give.  But do be friendly as well as ready to teach and serve because you never know when it might blossom into a lifelong friendship.
6. Do try to present some sort of lesson and encourage feedback from the sister you are visiting, as well as your companion. But don't ask the sister you are there for to teach you; that is your job as the visiting teacher.
7. Do be willing to help when needed and as needed.  Don't assume you know best what each sister needs.  When I had my youngest daughter it was an emergency C-section.  I went home before she did and what I needed most was rides to the hospital.  My visiting teacher at the time refused to help in any way, including lining up rides from others.  Luckily the Relief Society president and compassionate service leader stepped in and I had the rides I needed to visit my daughter until I healed enough I could drive.  When my visiting teacher showed up with a meal the night my daughter came home, I was gracious but I have to admit not very thankful since meals were the last thing I needed.
8. Do respect the sisters you are visiting and respect their right to choose and exercise their agency, even if you disagree with their choices. If they refuse your help or advice, back off — but not too far!  Be ready to help when the consequences of those choices inevitably happen.
9. Do try to touch the lives of the sisters assigned to you in some way each month — a lesson, a phone call, a letter or a conversation at church, store, school or wherever you might meet them.
10. And last but most important, listen to the spirit as you visit and work with your companion and the sisters assigned to the two of you.  Heavenly Father can let you know when there is a real need even if the sister seems reluctant to tell you.  If the sister you are visiting is in tears when you arrive but won't say why, don't push!  Instead, later that day or a few days later, call or send a note or a small present with some message about how you hope things are better now.  You may never know what was wrong or ever have a chance to help, but the small gesture that you are aware and care will mean even more than any amount of pushing to find out what was wrong or any amount of service you might have been able to render.

My last piece of advice for me and any others who might read this is to be more tolerant and understanding, more caring and loving.  Try to realize that while your visiting teachers are not perfect, neither are you.  We are all trying to figure out this adventure called mortal life and trying to find our way through its morass of experiences and feelings!  Try to be understanding when you get visiting teachers who just don't seem to get it or you are assigned a companion and/or sisters who seem to be needier than you have time or energy to deal with. 

I know I won't give up on the program no matter how many times I've been tempted to tell the president that I don't want visiting teachers nor do I want to be one.  Instead I'll try to keep going and try to keep doing better myself.

Thanks for reading this far, this became longer than I expected!

A somewhat disillusioned sister in Texas but one who is still trying!

Thanks for writing, Still Trying! You had an excellent list, and I'm glad to see that you wrote it for yourself as well as for the people who visit teach you. We all have times when we need a little boost in helping us do our callings. You've provided that boost for many people today, and I thank you for it.

Next we have a great piece of advice for the reader who started this thread by telling about the visiting teachers who came to her home to criticize her housekeeping skills. Here it is:

Wow, in her shoe, I would tell her, "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling very uplifted nor spiritual, can you give me a scripture to make me feel better?"   This might help start things off on the right foot — but if not and it goes downhill from there,  just ask your Relief Society president for another visiting teacher.   It's either that  or be blunt and tell the sister that, "After you left, you felt worse and you would rather that your VT make you feel better."

Sharon from Ohio

Thanks for some short and sweet counsel, Sharon. If a visiting teacher ruins your day, a tactful way to change the subject would be to ask for an uplifting scripture. Good idea!

A Relief Society president in our ward long ago went to great effort to hand-stitch these words on a wall hanging for each visiting teacher:

I believe she had read that quote somewhere and felt so enlightened and forewarned that she felt a need to share this message with us in a way that we would not forget.

And when you think about the Relief Society motto, “Charity Never Faileth,” it makes sense. It really reminds us that when we visit teach in the proper way by the Spirit, we are simply putting the gospel into action with our sisters. We should represent our Savior's love when we are allowed the privilege to enter the sacred environment of our sisters' homes.

Like anything else in life, the more you put into something, the more you get out of it. Seeking the Lord's guidance before you enter a sister's home will allow the Spirit to guide the visit. Decide beforehand to focus on the sister and to listen to her with your heart. Also, look for non-verbal cues that may give indication as to her state of mind and need.

Strive to share the message in such a way that it's tailored to her situation and needs. Pray with her if possible. And be dedicated and consistent, so that each sister will know that she can count on you.

Beyond these basics, I have found over several decades of visiting teaching that when you view each sister as a special friend, the sister will feel your love and will trust your spoken and unspoken offer of care.

Some of the special things I have been able to do for some of my sisters are:  

• helped with their family history research and temple work;
• shared special natural health articles that gave ideas on how to have improved health for themselves and family members;
• put their names on the prayer roll, as well as their family members, in time of need;
• shared my own family pictures, missionary letters, and so on, when I knew they were interested;
• laughed and joked and just had fun with them;
• admired their talents which they shared with me;
• hugged them most every time;
• and was patient and tolerant when a sister did not yet share a deep conviction of gospel principles, while retaining hope that she could change for the better if she desired, through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I guess it just boils down to remembering that each sister is a daughter of God and deserves to be treated with respect and love, no matter her what her life circumstance. A good motto is to be a caretaker, not a judge! And always remember that truly, “charity never faileth”!   

Nikki, a reader in Kansas

Thanks for a great letter, Nikki! I love the part about being a caretaker rather than a judge. What excellent advice!

We'll end today's letters with a story of the good an inspired visiting teacher performed in a time of need:

I would like to comment on a wonderful experience I had with visiting teaching some 10 years ago. I was going through a divorce and had to move out of our rented apartment. I was home packing up last minute items and cleaning out the house when they and some other kind women from the ward came and helped me clean my apartment from top to bottom.

I remember feeling a little embarrassed because there were holes in the walls and doors where my ex-husband had punched in. I could tell they were shocked, but no one said anything.

When we were all finished and I was about to drive off in my u-haul, one of my visiting teachers gave me a journal to write my thoughts down in as I went through this difficult time in my life. I thought that was sweet. We left with a big hug and tears streaming down our faces. I knew she was worried about me, but I knew that I would be okay — and I was.

Such a small act of kindness really touched my heart, and I will never forget those visiting teachers. They were in tune enough to know that I was moving out and needed my apartment cleaned up before I left.

Since then (10 years) I have had no visiting teachers until last year. I have seen both sides of the fence and know what kind of visiting teacher I should be, so that counts for something, right? I do agree that when we visit teach we should keep our focus and conversations on those we VT instead of ourselves. I think out of nervousness we talk about ourselves but it really does defeat the purpose and leaves the sister feeling empty.
 
Anonymous

Thanks for a great story, Anonymous. Who would have thought of giving a journal? A visiting teacher — that's who!

We are swimming in letters about visiting teachers, so come back next week for a whole new batch of them. And thanks to all of you who have written in.

Until next week — Kathy

“Today's problems cannot be solved if we still think the way we thought when we created them."

Albert Einstein