After a week's hiatus due to the coverage of President Hinckley's death and funeral, Circle of Sisters is back on track this week. We're still talking about Primary children, and we still have a ton of letters from helpful readers.

This week, though, we're doing something I've never done before. Today's column consists of exactly one letter. It is so detailed that it took up all the space allotted for this week, but it is good enough to be worth the read.

The letter comes from David L. Hunt of Sandy, Utah, and it is addressed to “Kathy, Jenn, and Others at Wits' End with Disruptive Primarians.” Just the word Primarians was so good that I knew the letter was going to be a winner. Here's what he has to say:

The Challenge:

First, I have always believed that children are full-grown spirits crammed into a pint-sized body. That, in and of itself, can cause natural restlessness.

Second, I believe that the prime need and motivation in life, for both children AND adults is validation. We NEED to feel valid — of worth. Regardless of whether one "Chooses the Right" or "Chooses the Wrong," the motivation for the choice is that the chooser, either consciously or subconsciously, expects the result to make them feel "more valid" — that is, more accepted (or esteemed, or of worth) in the eyes of those from whom the chooser seeks validation.

The group or individuals from whom we seek validation can be any one, or more, of: parents or other family members; friends; neighbors; teammates; classmates; gang members; the media; the public at large; romantic interests; teachers and coaches; the groups with whom we share values or interests (such as members or our faith, community, political party); and, most importantly, ourselves; and Our Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Remember that amongst Primary-age children, acceptance and validation from peers is a key validation target, especially when they are in the presence of their peers. (Have you ever noticed the Jekyll-and-Hyde behavior of a child who acts one way when she or he is amongst (or one-on-one with) adults, yet he behaves entirely differently while his peers are present?)

Would it not be ideal if children were as mature as adults, and reinforced "good" behaviors in their peers by saying things like, "You are behaving very well today"; "Your thoughtful attention to our teacher and her lesson enhanced the quality of today's class so that we all were able to enjoy the lesson more"; "Thank you for your intelligent responses to our teacher's questions during the lesson; they caused me to reflect better on my own thoughts and feelings about the lesson."

Similarly, think of the rapid attitude adjustment that might result if children disciplined poor behavior in peers with comments such as, "Your silliness and disruptive behavior made it impossible to listen attentively to the wonderful things that our teacher had to say"; "Please focus your attention on the lesson so that you and we can gain all that we can from the lesson"; "Your snide remarks and feeble attempts and humor are disrespectful and annoy those of us trying to listen to our teacher."

Yeah, right!

Although there are many children (and even adults) that feel these sentiments in response to misbehaviors in class, it is rare that a child (and, even rare for adults) to be able to clearly and effectively articulate such corrective sentiments without causing the perpetrator to "esteem thee to be his enemy." (D&C 121: 43).

Since children are either not yet prepared to verbally articulate an appropriate response to classmate misbehavior; or worse, they fear the social risks and potential retribution of a verbal reprimand to peer misbehavior, they instead, typically respond with the closest emotional, no-risk, non-threatening alternative they know — a giggle or laughter.

Unfortunately, children are not equipped to distinguish between nervous or embarrassed giggling versus a sincere, heartfelt response to bona fide, intelligent humor. All the misbehaver hears (and interprets) is the millennia-old payment to professional comedians and jesters for a job well done — giggles and laughter. Furthermore, when this happens, upon whom is the spotlight — the Star of the Show (the Misbehaver) or the Unfortunate Straight-Man (the Teacher)?

I have witnessed teachers who misunderstood (or were unaware of) these dynamics of misbehavior, who took the acts of misbehavior personally, and then responded viscerally with sometimes explosive, damaging responses. The victim of emotional (or spiritual) damage could be the misbehaver, the other students, the teacher himself or herself, or all of these.

I have witnessed cases where classroom (mis)demeanor and continual student disruption led thoughtful, spiritual teachers to throw in the towel. The resulting devastation and loss of confidence caused the teacher thereafter to refuse to teach youth or adults. In one case, the devastating contention amongst teacher, students, and parents of students led to the teacher's disaffection from the Church. What a tragic loss of eternal growth opportunities for teacher and students alike.

In cases where student misbehavior leads to a teacher giving up on his or her classroom calling, a misbehaver then not only has received false validation for being the Entertainer, but he then achieves "Superstar" status and reputation as one who demonstrated the power and influence to drive away an adult. Talk about false validation!

A Solution

Here, then, are some principles that can contribute to resolving the age-old battle in the classroom:

1. Pray for Guidance : Ask your Father in Heaven for help, guidance, and inspiration to transform misguided energy in the classroom into focused and constructive enthusiasm for the Gospel and collaborative success for classroom participants. I, personally, cannot imagine that our Savior's model for classroom discipline involves anything besides sincere love, respect, and positive thoughts and actions toward the children whom he and His Father have entrusted us.
   
2. Empower Students to Manage Their Own Behavior: Recall Joseph Smith's ingenious method for implementing intelligent self-management amongst his followers: "Teach them correct principles and they govern themselves."

Many years ago, our family moved into a wonderful ward. The Primary children generally came from successful, affluent, high-achieving, Gospel-loving families. Children from such homes can exhibit high competition for attention and validation. That spirit can spill over into school, Primary, and other environments.

The CTR 7 Primary class was notorious for misbehavers that caused teachers to give up and walk away from the class. The many boys were generally high-achieving, highly active, highly vocal, and competitive in the classroom. The many girls were evenly divided into one group that simulated the boys' classroom characteristics, while the other young ladies were shy, quiet, respectful and generally overwhelmed and over shadowed by the rest of their classmates.

The Primary presidency and bishop discussed dividing the class into three classes.

I had a personal, vested interest in the success of the class — not only because these students would all be baptismal candidates that year, but also because my own daughter was one of the overwhelmed "shy, quiet girls" whom I could see becoming more shy and quiet if the classroom behavior continued down that path.

If the class were divided as an obvious result of the misbehavers' actions, the students were certainly bright enough to draw harmful conclusions about their power to control or influence adult reactions and decisions.

I was committed to help in any way I could. I volunteered to the Primary president to substitute teach that class until the bishop called one or more permanent teachers. The president was overjoyed at my offer.

Following a week of fervent prayer for guidance, I chose as my first lesson a topic that was not in the lesson manual, "We Can Receive Blessings by Obeying Rules."

I did not begin the class, however, by telling the students the lesson title or objectives. Once we arrived in the classroom (following opening exercises), I introduced myself to the class and I then called upon myself to offer the opening prayer. My prayer went something like this:

Now that they understood the idea about how this rule-making works, they really got into the spirit of this lesson and devised, for themselves , some wonderful class rules. If a rule suggestion was outrageous or counter-productive, I asked if someone could suggest an improvement that would make the earlier contribution even better.

Among the additional rules they came up with were:

• Rule: Keep your own body to yourself.
  

  The blessing: We have the right to our own space, without being bothered by someone else.

  If we break the rule: It is unfair to interfere with others. It is not kind to bother others.

• Rule: “Six feet on the floor” (All four feet from each chair should be on the ground, plus two more feet from the person sitting in that chair.)

  The blessing: We won't tip over and crack our heads.

  If we break the rule: We might tip over and hurt ourselves.

• Rule: Listen reverently and quietly after a prayer.

  The blessing: We can hear the Holy Ghost whisper to us.

  If we break the rule: We might miss messages from the Holy Ghost.

Wow! That rule suggestion really impressed me. (I knew these children were brilliant!)

I explained that if, later in the class, we discovered a problem that interfered with the happiness of class members, or prevented the Holy Ghost from whispering to us, then we could identify the problem and create another rule to solve the problem.

They really seemed to like the idea that they created their own rules that they agreed to follow (instead of my forcing my own set of rules on them). Their smiles of satisfaction told me that they liked being empowered to create a wholesome, orderly classroom environment.

Reward and Validate Obedience of the Rules

Despite their momentary enthusiasm for their new class rules, I knew that I couldn't expect their altruism, alone, to provide long-term motivation to obey the rules. I needed something more valuable to them (than their previous rewards of giggles and laughter for their misbehavior) to validate and encourage obedience of our class rules.

Here is what I did to provide tangible, measurable validation and encouragement for their obedience: I brought with me to class a couple of cupcake pans that had enough holes for each of the students, plus visitors. I taped to each hole the name of each student, plus "Visitor" on the extra holes.

Then, in each hole, I placed valuable "currency" of the day. (Back then, valuable currency was colorful stickers. Nowdays, the currency may be something different.) For each of the students, I placed in each cupcake hole, four stickers (appropriate for either boys or girls, depending upon the gender of each student). I explained to them that to help them remember about obeying the class rules, I would start out each class with four stickers for each person. If, by the end of class, if a student had obeyed all of the rules that day, then he was allowed to take home his four stickers. If, however, a student forgot one of the class rules, I would simply take one of the stickers out of his collection and put it back in my Primary Bag.

Then, one of the brightest students was first to recognize the problem: “What if someone disobeys four times and loses all of their stickers?"

I asked if there was anyone in class that felt that he was not able to understand and obey any one of the rules…No one raised his or her hand. I added that I was confident that each person in class definitely had the self-control and intelligence to recognize and obey all of our class rules, but, if someone chose to disobey the class rules four times, then that would be disappointing and sad for everyone. It would mean that that person had chosen to break our class rules many times, and that they would need some help to get back on track to obey the rules.

"The helper" in such a case would have to be one of the student's parents. The student would need to go immediately into the parent's class and reverently invite the parent to return immediately to our class as a visitor and to help the student remember the class rules. The sheer embarrassment of the thought of going into an adult class to invite a parent to return to the child's class as a "helper" was enough to ensure that there would never be a fourth offense.

Once we implemented this self-governing system, if someone, in his enthusiasm to participate, forgot a class rule, I never said anything to the offender. I would simply reach over and quietly take one of the stickers out of his or her collection and place it back into my Primary Bag. Everyone knew immediately and precisely who had lost a "sticker blessing." The perpetrator always responded with a sheepish "Aw, shucks, I forgot" kind of a look, and was then on self-imposed best behavior for the rest of class.

I wrote down on a sheet of paper, the "CTR 7 Class Rules" that they had collaboratively crafted. I also added, as our final rule, the part about having to invite a parent to come help their child get back on track if a child broke rules four times during class. I opened the classroom door and asked one of the Primary presidency members to please photocopy our class rules for each class member and for me. When the copies returned, I assigned each student to take home our class rules and review the rules with his or her parents, and to then answer any questions that his or her parents have about our class rules. I prepared the students to report to us the following week with questions or thoughts that their parents had about our rules, and how the student handled the questions.

Interestingly, rarely did any student lose more than one sticker per class session, and never did anyone lose more than two. The competition to finish class with the most stickers was just way too intense. Never did I need to raise my voice to encourage appropriate participation. Obedience to class rules never became an issue between me and the student; from then on, it was simply an issue between the student and his or her own self-discipline to keep rules that he or she helped craft for the good of the entire class. The Spirit of the Lord was with us all session, every session.

Equally interesting was that the rowdiest students previously, became the most well behaved, positive and appropriate contributors. They became living examples of the blessings that can come from obedience. And I was eternally blessed to receive the call to become the permanent teacher of all the CTR 7s.

David L. Hunt
Sandy Utah Granite View Stake

David, you wrote a long letter, but I'm sure the readers will agree that it was well worth reading. Primarians everywhere — and their teachers — will owe you a vote of thanks.

Okay, people, we have more letters on the subject next week. We don't need any more letters on this topic (I have a mailbox full!), but if you want to suggest another topic feel free to write to meridianmagazine@aol.com. Put something in your subject line that will tell me your letter isn't spam. The column doesn't work without your input, so I'm glad to hear from all of you — even the people who think I'm a blithering idiot and want to tell me why. (I may even agree with your assessment!)

Until next week — Kathy

“Call on God, but row away from the rocks.”

Hunter S. Thompson