I am absolutely delighted with the number — and the quality — of the responses we've been getting to help Jenn in D.C. with her problem child in Primary. I hoped a lot of you would come to the rescue, and you didn't let me (or Jenn!) down. Here, without further ado, is this week's batch of suggestions:

It sounds as if this child may be ADHD or may be autistic.

If it is either of these diagnoses, the child will need a strong structure and firm discipline.  Have rules and do not deviate.  You may need a helper in this class.

I have an autistic grandson, and he loves books, and is very careful with them, however, he needs constant supervision.  He has to have a very structured environment.  Most autistic children like to be in "safe" surroundings.  I understand they like to be cocooned (held close or have a blanket). 

I hope these ideas might have a bit of help I too have taught Primary and felt like I was a loser, because I was not able to "control" situations.  Soft music in the background might help, and wiggle songs at the beginning of class may also help.  Role-playing is also a good activity for some stories.

I have no degrees or schooling in this field, but I have been a mother, grandmother, and teacher.  Good luck. Be sure to ask the Lord for guidance, and a special blessing will be yours.

Elaine Williams
Clanton, Alabama Branch

Thanks for writing, Elaine. You have some good ideas, and I confess that even I could do with some “wiggle songs” on many occasions. My only question — and this is indeed a question rather than an opinion — concerns the “cocooning.” I don't know any autistic children personally, but it was my understanding that a lot of them don't like to be touched at all, by anyone — not even by their parents. It might be best to consult with the parents and see if the child likes to be touched instead of making any assumptions in that regard.

About two years ago, when my wife and I  were serving a mission in the Antwerpen Ward in Belgium, a wonderful experienced teacher in the Primary,  Mimmi Cocquyt, did the following which really worked:

A child was trying to get the attention of all the other children in the class by making noises, standing, making faces, and so on.  Mimmi looked at him until he realized she was looking at him, then he did a dance in front of the whole class.  Mimmi waited until he finished, and then she asked the boy what he thought the rest of the class thought of his performance.  The boy answered that he was sure that the class would rather watch him than listen to the teacher. 

Then Mimmi turned to the rest of the class and one by one asked them what they thought of the boy's performance.  One said that he wished the boy would set down and be quiet.  Another said that he was disturbing the lesson and they could not hear what the teacher was saying.  This went on until every child had responded negatively about the boy's performance.  She then asked the boy to quietly sit down and went on with the lesson.  The boy finally realized that no other student thought that what he was doing was cute.

There was no criticism from the teacher.  The boy behaved properly from then on. Wow.

Ted J. Crowther

That's an amazing story, Ted! I'm very glad that the class cooperated. If the other students had sided with the boy, things wouldn't have worked out nearly so well. And that's probably why I've never been called to teach Primary: I would never be able to come up with idea's like Mimmi's — or if I did, I don't know if I'd have the courage to implement them!

Regarding the letter from Jenn in DC, I just had to write.  My thoughts are a bit jumbled, but there is a lot to consider.

I was struck by the comment:

Whoa!  In my opinion, the FIRST thing to do is talk to the parents!  This child's behavior cannot be a surprise to them.  Jenn could profit immediately by talking with the mom/dad.  After expressing her love for the child, she can ask how the parents have dealt with him.  Has a reward system worked? How is his behavior in sacrament meeting?  What have they found to help him in other situations? Is the child on medication already?  Would they want to come with the child to class?  Surely the parents can provide some valuable insight into what works/what doesn't in modifying the child's behavior.

Has Jenn already discussed this with the Primary presidency?  What is the history behind this child?  Have all of his previous teachers "failed"?  If any of them were successful in helping him cope, how did they do it?  If none were successful, how long has this been going on?

How old is the child, by the way?  The letter did not say.  It may be that the child is so young that the parents still think the behavior is cute. Still, sometimes a preschool experience is helpful for a young child to realize that changing behavior is more fun than the consequences.

However, if the child is school age, he should know what proper behavior is. Visiting with the child and his parents at their home could make a world of difference.  Jenn could remind him that Primary is just like school in that rules need to be followed.  It's pretty standard for elementary classrooms to have rules like: keep hands and feet to yourself, no mouth noises, raise your hand and wait to be called on to make a comment, and so on.  If he is too young for school, practicing these concepts will just help prepare him for the experience.

I worked for 15 years in the local elementary school, and know that sometimes children need a personal aide just to make it through the day.  It may be that this child needs that sort of intervention.

This child's behavior is so far from normal that investigation should begin ASAP. There may be some kind of physical reason for his behavior.  Could some kind of allergy be at play? Is this a cry for attention?  Could there be some kind of abuse at home?  Trying to get him to "be good" without discovering the cause of the behavior will not be successful.

Most children want to "be good," as do most adults.  It feels so much better to get compliments than criticism.  I'm sure this child is desperate for that kind of reassurance; that he is still loved, no matter what.

Finally, I think Jenn needs a blessing.  She needs extra help from the Spirit if this is making her so emotionally distraught.

I hope my comments help.  I'll be praying for Jenn — and the child!

Lynne in California

Thanks for some excellent points, Lynne. I agree that the parents should be consulted first of all. If Jenn can do that in a way that doesn't come across as criticism, but as concern, she could make great inroads there.

Also, a priesthood blessing can certainly offer guidance or help. A lot of people don't think of getting priesthood blessings at times such as this, but they can be of great assistance. After all, there are two people who are directly concerned here — the teacher and the pupil — as well as the rest of the class. The Lord is surely concerned about the welfare of so many of his children, most of whom are at an impressionable age.

Most children respond to personal one-on-one attention. I would recommend going to visit the child in his home. Visit his room, find out what interests he has and tell him that you need his help with the class. Tell him that you are counting on him. You might also want to visit the other class members in their homes and also talk about the class and needing their help. The help the other children can provide is to totally ignore the other boy when he is misbehaving, as he is wanting attention, even the negative kind (which includes their pleas for him to stop).

Sometimes incentives work — marbles in a jar, marks on the board for every time there is good behavior. Set up a system and be very consistent with it, only rewarding good behavior.

One Sunday I was asked to substitute with no notice. I grabbed a quilt from the nursery and headed off to the classroom where the lesson was about Nephi and his bow. We sat on the floor with the quilt over the table for Nephi's tent. The children sat in the tent as I told the story and then they "went hunting" around the room. This activity engaged the children and kept them busy. Sitting in chairs for a long time is hard for all children. Try sitting them at a table and allowing them to doodle on paper while you teach.

Assign this boy to present part of the lesson.

Get the Primary to assign the child a shadow to sit with him in class to constantly monitor and reinforce his good behavior. This might include an arm on his should as he starts to act up, stroking his fingers to calm him, or employing other tactics.

You can also enlist his parents help in doing this, but the child and his parents would be grateful and more responsive if it was someone else.

How old is the child? This makes a big difference in how you proceed. Not all hyperactive children need medication, but it sounds like this one does. His parents my not be aware of options, and you can try talking to them. It can be walking into a mine field for you, personally, but is worth it if you ultimately help the child. It took thee years of talking to my friend when I was Primary president, before she took her child to the doctor and medication was prescribed. She finally did and he was a totally different child. He progressed socially and academically and was much happier in Primary. He is now serving a mission and it was the best thing they could have done for him.

Not all parents want to hear the message and can be quite resistant, so enter at your own risk!

God knows and loves this child. He knows what to do to help him. Ask Him and wait for promptings. Pray on his behalf and have the Primary presidency pray for him also.

Good luck!

Jeanie in Missouri

Thanks for a great letter, Jeanie! I can see how going to a child's home and enlisting the child's help could be a real incentive for him.

I was very impressed with your lesson about Nephi's bow. There are some terrific Primary teachers in the Church.

Read on for a letter that will bring a smile to your face:

I know this isn't the right answer, but in my mind I am thinking that the best way to deal with this little one is to use rolls and rolls of duct tape!  But, I don't think that is legal in any state, nor would Heavenly Father approve.  But, that was the first thought that popped into my sick and demented mind.  Hmmmm. I wonder if that's why I haven't had a Primary calling in several years!

I just remembered a family in our ward. The kids are all a bit "high strung," shall we say?  Anyway, one week I was sitting near them, and noticed that the mother had a bag of candies for the kids.  By the time sacrament meeting was over, all four of her kids were on a major sugar high!  My husband had one of the boys in his class, and his actions were much like the boy in Jenn's class.  So, I guess, realistically, parents, please do not give your kids a sugary breakfast or bring sugary snacks for them to have in church.

A crazy sister in Washington

Thanks for the laugh, Crazy. I wonder if duct tape works on husbands. I have one I'd like to tie down on this cold day so I could warm my feet next to him.

But you do make a point that sugar sensitivity may aggravate the behavior of any child, and could be a real catalyst to bad behavior for children who are especially sensitive to it. Mothers, perhaps a little treat control may be in order.  

Read on for another point of view:

It sounds like this child's problems are probably related to some kind of behavior disorder but along with that it may also be from having no boundaries at home or not often being in an environment away from home so he's becoming very excited. Once he gets going in the inappropriate behavior he's having a hard time getting himself under control and no one else can either.

Because the child is causing a hostile environment for the other children, it would be best for Jenn and her class if another teacher could be assigned to be in her class with her. The extra teacher could sit by the child and help him learn the correct behavior. With the extra teacher right there to help him keep his behavior under control (and not having to deal with the other children), Jenn can concentrate on teaching the whole class. 

It might be even better if Jenn could be the teacher that sits by him and keeps him under control since she sounds like such a loving, kind person. This child needs help and it needs to be someone who loves him who gives it. I hope Jenn can figure out a way to help this child as it could change his life.

Valerie
Riverton, Utah

Valerie, you make a wonderful point that the person who is called upon to provide one-on-one attention to a disruptive child should not just be the first person who says yes to the assignment, but should be specifically chosen for the qualities of love and patience. It may be hard to find that virtuous person, but you're right that a child's welfare is at stake. The experience he has now — whether good or bad — could affect his feelings about church for the rest of his life.

Jenn didn't mention if she had consulted with the boy's parents, if he has been diagnosed as ADHD, if he has a mental challenge, or if he has been prescribed any drugs to help with his attention span or behavior.  All these avenues should be researched if they haven't been already.

A few years ago we had a similar situation in a Primary in which I was a counselor.  We called a priesthood holder to sit with him and help him stay focused.  This priesthood holder made a lot of progress with him.  Initially when the child became too disruptive and was disturbing other members of the class, the brother took him out of the class and they conducted their own little class — either in the hall, in some quiet place where they were not disturbed by other hall walkers, or on the grounds of the chapel. 

This priesthood holder had a palm pilot, and he allowed the boy to hold it and look up scriptures.  Often it took the child most of a class period to find a scripture but it kept him involved, quiet, and in pursuit of an honorable quest.  He loved computers, and this seemed to be the secret in getting his attention. 

This gentleman and the boy developed a very close relationship, and the young man is now 18 years old.  He still has a challenge mentally, but he is very well behaved and he does take part in Aaronic priesthood duties and activities.  Instead of continuing to be disruptive and failing to progress, he has come a long way from those early days in his Primary class. 

I hope at least one or two of the points mentioned will be of some help.  You can be sure that it is not just the teacher or the other students who are disturbed by this situation.  The young boy in question has concerns as well.  His behavior is more than likely only a symptom of the real problem.  Hopefully this loving and concerned teacher will be part of the solution.

LA

Thanks for your thoughts, LA. I especially like your point that the child who is causing the disturbance is just as disturbed by this situation as are the teacher and other class members. When we're dealing with a troublemaker, that's something we human beings tend to forget.

Whether it was done through inspiration or desperation, the Primary helper with the palm pilot found exactly the right avenue for reaching his particular student. Each student should have something that would provide a similar avenue, if only the teacher will do the detective work and learn what that child's interests are. As Jeanie from Missouri suggested, this may involve a visit to the child's home and a look around his room. A dinosaur mobile or a collection of airplanes could unlock the door for an inspired Primary teacher.

Here's a note that's especially for Jenn:

Dear Jenn,

It sounds like you are a good teacher, and trying to find ways to teach your class that involve the children and will keep them interested.  Keep going, and the best advice I can give is to really get to know and love each child in your class.  Teach them your expectations and proper behavior, then be patient.  They won't change overnight, but change happens as the children receive positive rewards/praise for proper behavior. 

Sometimes you can ignore bad behavior, or re-channel the bad behavior by moving on to the next part of the lesson, by an attention grabber (putting hand on head, or being quiet, special clap, or something else), or by changing the activity (kids have a attention span about as many minutes as the age of the child). 

Other times, the behavior should not be ignored because it is so disruptive. 

First, find out if that child has a medical condition such as ADHD, ADD, autism, or something else, or if the medications are changing.  Second, find out from parents what type of behavior discipline they use that works, what the school uses, and other helpful information. 

The church website (lds.org in Primary section) has some great ideas/suggestions on how to work with discipline and class behavior as well as how to work with special needs, such as ADD and autism.   The answers that will work for you, depend upon you, the child's family, the resources of the ward, and other factors. 

I team-taught a Sunbeam class years ago, where one of the boys had ADHD and was extremely disruptive.  We team taught so that one of us could work individually with him, and the other teach the class.  What helped us a lot was talking with and working closely with the boy's mother. 

At the same time, my husband and another man taught a class to a boy with Down syndrome.  He had his own class, and they had a blast!   That ward had the manpower available to have multiple teachers.

I was just released as a stake Primary president, which gave me a lot more insight by watching how other teachers/leaders dealt with disruptive children.  The bottom line is that the teacher has the control, and must maintain that control with love and patience.  Some of the approaches to teaching and maintaining that control are:

I've always felt that these spirits coming down now are especially strong — and it's just dang hard to control all that when you're little.  In Primary, we're there to provide the “bumperpads” in the right direction — to gently teach and guide, not to put up roadblocks. The children, like us, have to learn a step at a time. 

Best of luck to you. I know your situation is a tough one. I had similar and have thought it'd be easier to be released than to try to reach and teach one particular child.  I have that situation now in seminary!   It takes a lot of love and dedication to keep going forward.  Kudos to you for trying so hard, and reaching out for other ideas and thoughts, hope some of these helped!

Anonymous Reader

After a letter that good, Anonymous, I hate not to be able to give you credit for it! But you've helped a lot of people with your suggestions, and I'm delighted you wrote in to share your experience. Many thanks.

Read on — Jenn in D.C. apparently has a soulmate in California:

Okay, so I read your letter for help about your "active," sweet boy in Primary and you may be shocked to hear that your sweet, "active" boy has a twin brother in California!  When I was reading your letter I seriously had to see if you were in our ward. 

I, too, have recently been called to Primary to teach "the class" that never has a teacher for long.  Don't get me wrong, I love my class, but on those days when I count during sacrament of who's here and who's not — well, you know the rest.

At first when things would get out of control in the classroom I would feel myself getting overwhelmed and upset.  Then I'd go home and complain to whoever would listen about how I shouldn't be in Primary. 

But after a few weeks of watching him, I learned that he was just wanting the extra attention.  So I decided to ask him to be my "helper" during class time.  He sits next to me and gets to pick the child that wants to say opening and closing prayer or the one who wants to answer a question.  He also hands the chalk to whoever gets to write on the board and hand out the papers. 

The other children like him doing this because they get to actually have our lesson.  No one feels left out because everyone has something to do if they choose to.  And I always give out plenty of "please" and "thank yous" and hugs.  Now when I go to Primary I feel excited about the lesson that I have prepared and I know that everyone will get something out of it. 

I hope this helps.  Also our Primary President suggested that another teacher in the class would help out, but we could never find one.  I hope this helps you and your sweet, "active" child! 

Lori from California

Thanks for a compassionate letter, Lori! How wonderful that you were able to find a solution that worked for everyone — and that your class was mature enough to understand that the extra attention given to your own “helper” was for their benefit as much as for the benefit of the helper. We have such terrific readers at Meridian.

Our last letter today is from our friend Liz in Santa Monica. Even as you read this, she and her family are vacationing in sunny Mexico for three weeks. As I look at the snow outside my window, oh, how I envy her!

As the mother of one of those children and having taught classes with wild children I can only say what has worked for me.  First of all, being mean and being strict are two different things.  My oldest would try the patience of each new teacher until I got notified, then I'd crack down at home with a lecture and he'd turn into a nice child again. 

One year he had a very sweet teacher whose class he had disrupted.  I found out and had him write an apology. He baked cookies and delivered them.  He was really happy afterwards, but when I explained how disruption hurts teachers' feelings, he was really upset.  In his sweet little note he wrote, "When my mom explained how what I had done hurt you, I cried and cried and my throat hurt." 

Well, it turned out the teacher felt bad because my son had been upset!  It never occurred to her that the note and gift were a catharsis and a turning point to him that made him feel totally forgiven and happy.  She thought I was being mean.

I have always been fairly strict, and there was a 6-year-old who used to stay at my house during teacher inservice days because his mother worked.  The first time he visited he mouthed off a bit so I had him sitting on a wheat bucket.  He rolled his eyes and I added five minutes to the timer.  The next time his mom was stuck she told he this boy had requested my house because he liked it.  Discipline, especially for little boys who have trouble controlling themselves, does not make them unhappy; they like it.  If you look at male-dominated systems like the military, they very much operate that way and can provide a feeling of security.

Early on I was puzzled as to why boys would request me as a sitter.  I had an austere home, no TV, and I was strict.  I developed a theory.  I believe they want to be around people who believe in them.  When we discipline them it is a way of telling them that we believe they can behave.  We believe they can develop self control.  On the other hand, maybe it was really because I sent them outside to my garden with shovels and let them dig and get dirty.

In church classes, someone taught me long ago (I think it was something I read on the internet) to never kick the child out of class. Instead, invite the parent to join the child in class.  So far that has worked for me every time.  It works very well with teenagers, but it is effective even down to Primary age.  This can be hard on harried parents, but it is temporary.  No kid really wants Mom or Dad sitting with him in class.  If Mom or Dad is not available, some other adult may be able to help.  Some classes just need more help.

The part of the letter where your writer said, "This boy is never going to be a child to sit still in a chair, hands folded on his lap. I don't expect him to be that way," made me sad.  As long as the adults around this boy hold these expectations, he will never be able to sit still.  How about expecting all children to learn to behave (within reason, maybe not the hands in the lap and maybe much fidgeting).  I have trouble sitting still in church and have learned that knitting helps me.  Nevertheless, I wiggle in my chair.  My daughter is reading over my shoulder and told me she wiggles too (she is 14).

A book that really changed my view of discipline was Dare to Discipline by James Dobson.  As a mother of three kids who are smart, energetic and who push limits, I wound up with quite a bit of experience.  They are now wonderful teenagers.  I got lots of criticism about the way I expected my first to straighten up, but time has shown that my methods were effective; he is the fantastic young man I always knew he would become.

Please also understand that I expect kids to learn to behave and straighten up, but I do not expect it to happen fast. It is a process accomplished over a long period of time that requires faith and patience.  I was also lucky to have a nursery teacher who was really fantastic and could make any kid behave without ever being mean.  She was very firm and very strict.  She also did not ask my son to sit still until he was older — which was wise.  It took him until about age 5 to be able to sit.  If I had listened to my detractors, he would be on Ritalin. 

I don't know how old the little boy in question is.  It he is 7 or younger, and possibly even for an older one, having the class do some good vigorous exercise before the lesson might really help.  I have been known to do calisthenics with classes, or go outside and move. 

Another thing that helped my kids was feeding them something nourishing between meetings.  No sugar should be fed to these kids. Instead give them cheese and crackers, peanut butter, or whatever has fat and protein and works with any dietary restrictions of your class. I do not use food as a bribe, and I also did not ever give out rewards for good behavior.  Behaving well is its own reward.

If feasible, visiting the child in his own home can build a bond of trust.  It also may be clearer how his parents work with him.  It always amazed me when people would not let me know what was happening since I could get my kids to straighten up easily.  Perhaps the parents will have ideas.

When I am in difficult situations with my church responsibilities I always try not to get upset, but I have never succeeded.  It really can be difficult, and I hope Jenn finds something that helps. 

Liz, who is probably ADD too

Liz, you always have something worthwhile to say. Thanks for your thoughts, even if you had to put down your fruit punch and adjust your beach umbrella in order to type.

We'll have more letters on this subject next week. Meanwhile, if you'd like to write in, send your thoughts to meridianmagazine@aol.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam. And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

Facing a mirror you see merely your own countenance; facing your child you finally understand how everyone else has seen you.

Daniel Raeburn
The New Yorker