Creating Reverence in Sacrament Meeting
By Kathryn H. Kidd

Oh boy, do I have a hot topic for you this week! Bob in California wants to know how we can achieve reverence in the chapel during sacrament meeting. Talk about a can of worms!

But before we get to Bob, I have one last letter from a reader whose contribution about last month's topic somehow went astray, and who wanted to add her two cents. Here is what she had to say:

I read with interest your articles on step-parenting and I would like to share some of our story.

My husband's first wife died of cancer. Under morphine in front of women from the Relief Society, a couple of their kids, and my husband, she made the comment that she felt Dad didn't need to remarry. She felt he was doing fine with the children. 

After a few days he spoke to her about her statement, saying, "Do you know what you have asked of me? If I live as long as any male in my family you are asking me to be alone for at least 40+ years, never hold a position in the Church, or be able to go on a mission."  After discussing it together, she realized her mistake and in front of nearly the same group of people (I know because these same women from their Relief Society shared this story with me) she recanted her previous statement. She told them, "I have thought about it and Dad can do what he needs to do." 

Now, the children and her best friend who were present both times "choose" to forget that statement and now blame and accuse Dad of all sorts of things about his dating and remarriage and how he "is going against mom's wishes."  One daughter and son refuse to have anything to do with their dad and choose to blame me for everything wrong in their family. 

To be honest, I am tired of being the family scapegoat and I am trying very hard not to let resentment cloud my better judgment.  I don't appreciate the fact that the mother's "best friend" only tried to be nice to me because she felt it her duty to the family and her friend. 

I know my place as step-mom and I would NEVER try to take the place of or step in for the children's mother, but having kids of my own I tend to mother all children. 

Now there is so much hatred by his son that my husband has never even seen a photo of his grandchild, and he has not been invited to the blessing of this grandchild or the newest granddaughter.  It breaks my heart to watch this kind, loving wonderful man cry because his children choose to act this way!

Where is it written that when a mother dies, dad is suddenly incompetent and the kids have the right to tell him what to do and how to do it and what he can or can't do?   For LDS children I see selfishness and unforgiveness, which is definitely not a Christ-like attitude towards their dad. 

Dad isn't responsible for their mother's death, and he certainly doesn't deserve to be treated in this manner. And neither do I, the person that two of them claim to be uncomfortable around but have never tried to get to know.  They listen to their younger siblings' lies and call it gospel. (It's amazing to me that they cannot see the manipulation by these younger siblings — it's all to get their sympathy and attention.)
These kids are between the ages of 33 and 17.

Dad has tried to resolve matters but honestly, he really has no clue "what he is supposed to apologize to them for."

I find it very narrow-minded and immature of these kids to treat him in this manner and my problem is that I don't hesitate so say so. I do not allow my sons to treat their dad this way (I was divorced from their father) and I won't allow my sons to treat me in this manner either.  It isn't being respectful to a dead mother's memory by being rude and mean to your father and quite frankly, we are getting very tired of it.

Name withheld to prevent further family contention

Wow, Name, you're in a tough situation! The sad thing is that all of us believe whatever we choose to believe, and when we have an idea firmly in mind it is almost impossible to let a little thing like the truth come between us and our cherished beliefs. It took an angel to convince Alma and the sons of Mosiah of their foolish ways, and a vision to convert the Apostle Paul. Most of us are not fortunate enough to have such dramatic heavenly manifestations, so we muddle along in life the best way we can. Sometimes we are dreadfully misguided, and sometimes our emotions lead us to do very uncharitable things.

It probably isn't any consolation to you to know that your husband's children believe they are right, and that they believe they are honoring their dead mother by persecuting their father and shunning you. They may one day realize the cruelty they have subjected you and your husband to — but it's just as likely that at least some of them will wear spiritual blinders in this area for the rest of their lives. It is part of the baggage of being human.

If you can endure this persecution with a smile, you will be richly blessed for your fortitude. Whether it is in this life or the life to come, your stepchildren will eventually apologize to you and thank you for the things you did for their family. But “enduring persecution with a smile” is easier said than done, and you — like they — are only human. All I can advise you is to do the best you can, relying on God to buoy you up during the difficult times. My prayers are with you.

Readers, if you have anything you want to say to Name Withheld, send your emails to her at circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Be sure to put “Note to Name Withheld” in the subject line so it won't get lost in the spam. When I get back from vacation, I'll forward all your advice directly to her.

Now let's hear from the longsuffering Bob:

Would it be possible for you to publish in Meridian an article reminding members that sacrament meetings are to be observed with reverence and quiet?

I wonder how many other wards have this problem and I am in a quandary as to how and to whom I should address it to now that I have mentioned it to our bishop, home teachers and high priests group leader. It seems that there is not a lot that can be done to correct it because apparently everyone is afraid of hurting someone's feelings and losing members and so are averse to mentioning it to the members responsible for the problem.

Our ward building is not a stake center, therefore our meeting rooms are not wired for sound outside of the chapel. Therefore, there is no haven available for those of us who would like to hear the message. I don't know why the Church stopped building " glassed in quiet rooms" where those with unmanageable children could watch and listen without disturbing everyone else.  

Our sacrament meetings are so noisy with small children trying to out-squeal each other and overly tolerant parents who allow them to carry on without removing them to the foyer to quiet them down, that the talks are mostly unheard. 

Rather than finding peace and becoming fortified, I frequently return home angry and frustrated.

It would be unthinkable and embarrassing for them and us to invite our friends to attend our meetings in order to acquaint them with our faith, considering that they attended churches where there is a great deal of reverence.      

I would appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

Bob in California

Bob, I agree this is a pervasive problem, but I would not restrict it to the children by any means. We once lived in a ward where a couple sat behind us in church every week and talked through the entire meeting — even during the sacrament. They didn't even bother to whisper. We were very relieved when they moved out of the ward.

Readers, Bob needs your help. If you have any advice for him, or any advice for parents or ward members anywhere on the subject of reverence, please send it to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam. And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

I'll be out of town next week, so look for Circle of Sisters on Monday, September 24. And please write in if you have any suggestions. Bob is waiting to hear from you!

Until next time — Kathy

"Some people use language to express thought, some to conceal thought, and others instead of thought."

Author Unknown