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The
Last Words on Step-Parenting
By Kathryn H. Kidd
We have a few last words on
step-parenting today, but we’ve saved some of the best for
last. And right at the end, we got two stray letters this week on
the topic of unpaid professional services. Read on to see what your
fellow Meridian readers had to say;
I am a stepmother, having gained a
rebellious teenage daughter about 18 years ago. We've weathered
quite a few storms together, and still they are coming!
I want to say there's hope so long
as you keep the gospel first and foremost in your life. My strong
feeling is that the harder you work at listening to the Spirit,
the closer you will be to the person the Lord can use to save your
situation — maybe even save those kids who right now tell
you daily that they hate you and you are ruining their life.
Like others who have written, I know
that you are supposed to have your spouse's cooperation in disciplining
his or her biological children. But if you don't get it, you don't
have to end the marriage. You can work around it. The Spirit will
direct you, as He did me. Be patient. Your spouse may change. Don't
fight stupid little battles and then lose the war. Sometimes
living in chaos means winning in the end.
Like others, I want you to know that
step-parenting is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do in your
family life. You'll feel at times that families are the worst idea
ever invented, but then you'll be surprised by little moments of
joy along the way.
Like others, I advocate getting a good
counselor. Change counselors if your current one isn't giving advice
that feels right to you, or that's not working. I was told by my
counselors that it takes five years, not three, to successfully
blend a family. That's almost exactly how long it was before my
stepdaughter first told me she appreciated me for putting up with
her when she was treating me the way nobody should have ever been
treated.
Know that, although you are not the
child's biological parent, you will be given a measure of revelation
in how to deal with that child. You have the right to it. Because
the Lord wants all His children treated the way He Himself would
treat them, He will help you fulfill that mission, same as He helps
you figure out how to deal with the people you are called to serve,
or the people you live next door to, or the people you work with.
And since this is so much more important than those categories of
people, it's only logical that you'll get more inspiration for this
situation as you ask for it.
In my experience, I think you have
to make up your mind to these things to ensure success:
- I will love my family no matter
what they do, because I will try to see them the way Heavenly
Father sees them. I will try to understand what He knows about
them.
- I will do my utmost to make us eternal.
I will try to help each member reach his or her spiritual potential,
being fearless in my advocacy of the gospel.
- I will pray with each family member
who allows it, and for them all.
- I will keep the communication lines
open with all my family members, no matter what. I will tell them
kindly how I want things to be.
- I will read my scriptures every
single day of my life. (Once you're in a blended family, you need
this even more than ever.)
- I will be fiercely loyal even to
those family members who are not loyal to me.
- I will keep my sense of humor,
especially when under attack (this enabled me to keep laughing
and joking at her when my stepdaughter attempted to pretend for
two years that I was invisible).
- I will not be physically mistreated
(my stepdaughter once attacked me, and we made it clear that she
could no longer live at home if she showed violence a second time).
- I will serve my family to my utmost
ability (but not by letting them walk on me). (This is where you
can adopt that lovely idea of being a grandparent-figure to your
stepchild.)
It's not all thorns or all roses. Keep
your spirits up, no matter what! Life isn't supposed to be easy
— gee, and with a blended family, just think how quickly your
heavy trials will probably make you perfect!
A Salt Lake Sister
Salt Lake, your letter was
purely inspired. There were so many gems of wisdom in your “Nine
Commandments of Step-Parenting” that I couldn’t pick
out just one favorite if I tried. I’ll bet a lot of people
are going to print out your list and put it in a place where they
can read those admonitions often. Thanks so much for writing!
Read on for a letter that contains
another nugget of wisdom:
We've had a his, mine and ours family
for more than thirty years, in various combinations of children
over time, and one of the things I don't think I saw mentioned was
the step-parent owning up to the step-children that she/he understood
how they might not want her/him to be there, because of the love
they have for their natural parents. It's tough for the kids too,
and being resented and even hated isn't terribly surprising.
We're supposed to be the grownups,
more grown up than the kids, even when our feelings are raw, and
where I completely agree that the parents in the new family have
to support one another [mea culpa — we didn't always
and we had some blistering rows over it], resentful kids have their
point to make too.
It's not just our job to manage them
or even just to love them, it's our job to respect and acknowledge
them as equal human beings to ourselves — even little ones.
It's amazing how reasonable a very young child can be when approached
reasonably.
Today, all these years later, all our
kids are just some of the nicest grownups I know — people
I'd be glad to have for friends even if they weren't my kids. They
love one another across genetic boundaries, seek each other out
as friends, and support one another in difficulties. They get full
credit for that — even at our best, I don't think we could
have managed to arrange that ourselves.
Reader in Transit
What a terrific idea, Transit
— to sit down with the child and acknowledge that it’s
only natural for him to resent you because of the love he has for
his own parent. A little empathy can go a long way in this world.
The idea may have to be conveyed more than once, but it could make
a huge difference.
As the mother of seven sons (two from
my husband’s previous marriage), I sent comments in earlier
on this subject, but after reading what you have now published I
have a question to ask.
Where is the commitment in life and
in marriage and in parenting? We all want to have life be too easy
without really putting out the effort. When the stumbling blocks
come between a husband and a wife in parenting, they often take
the easy way out and just walk away. How sad for our families, our
children, and the children of broken marriages!
The only way to mend and blend broken
homes is through prayer, love, and total commitment to each other
and to our children. The best secret is to be committed to our spouses
to raise our families in love. We need to forgive the past, enjoy
the present, and move forward with God as our partner in our marriage.
Been there — done that!
Carol in Elk Grove, California
Carol, I love what you said
about forgiving the past. Thanks so much for writing again. Commitment
to marriage cannot be stressed too often. Our last letter on step-parenting
ends the topic on an optimistic note. I just love a story with a
happy ending!
I am a stepmother. I am no Pollyanna,
but I really love it. It has everything to do with my husband, my
love for him, his love for me and our desire for all of our children
to succeed.
I know there are people out there reading
and thinking that they shouldn't marry again because either or both
of them have minor children. I say that everything requires constant,
humble prayer. The Lord will not lead you astray. Most importantly,
love conquers everything.
I learned in a Primary in-service meeting
years ago that the children in my Primary class would only learn
from me if they felt my love for them. This profound principle hit
me hard. I had grown up in the Church but never “heard”
this before. I tried it and to my astonishment, it worked! I loved
the children and in turn they behaved better and the spirit was
present.
Years later, after an abusive marriage that lasted way too long,
I found myself in a new, loving marriage. We both had children.
We both had full-time custody of them. I had the challenge of mothering
a pre-teen girl who had never been taught (I mean hardly anything).
I had two of my own children still at home — both teenagers.
My husband is amazing and humble. He
was so grateful to everything I did to help his daughter. My husband's
ex-wife had no ability to mother, and his five children had been
basically left to raise themselves. My husband worked full-time,
like most dads do, and did all he could in the evenings.
My point is, love is the key (even to the unlovable, which there
are a few of those in our mix of nine children). You must love your
new spouse and because you love him, you love his or her children.
Both of you must love each other; this cannot be a one-sided thing.
A one-sided marriage doesn't work anyway.
I am very blessed. My stepdaughter is called daughter. My own daughter
calls her sister. We only have the two teenage girls at home now.
They are a blessing to each other and to us.
I have learned more from my stepdaughter
than I ever thought imaginable. She is sloppy; I am clean. But she
is loving and accepting where I tend to be more intolerant and superior
(feeling). She learns from me and I learn from her.
My life has been enriched beyond measure
because she came to live in my home. I have been brought to my knees
in repentance because of my attitudes on so many occasions. Maybe
we need to look for the good more often than concentrating on the
bad. That is so hard to do when we are in the thick of turmoil and
pain. Maybe you could step back and take a break. Let the other
parent do the parenting for awhile and see how it goes. We all need
to let go of some things but not check out. My husband and I both
have ex-spouses who have “checked out” of parenting
(voluntarily).
I loved unconditionally and have been
repaid in kind. I treated my stepdaughter like my own and sometimes
better because she didn't have the history to support certain criticisms.
My own children and I are tight, but most of them have allowed me
to totally bond with my stepdaughter (as they have also). Because
my husband's older children saw my love for their youngest sister,
I became more trusted in their eyes. I have lost nothing and gained
everything by putting some of my own wants on hold to be a mother
to three of my husband's children as well as my own four (and growing
as they begin to marry).
There are three of our kids who haven't really accepted the “other”
parent, but life is very long and consistency is the answer. Love
unfeigned, humility to know when to change, communication, constant
prayer and love and respect for all family members is what is needed.
There is never an absolute answer to whether you should marry again
or not, or marry someone with children or not. Everyone is different.
I know and love plenty of people who have had terrible experiences
step-parenting. It is a hard thing, but then aren't we put on this
earth to be tested in hard things and to grow through the experiences?
A very grateful mom
Thanks for a great letter,
Grateful. It’s nice to know that after a lot of hard work,
rewards can and do come.
Now, as promised, we have two
letters about the topic of whether or not to charge ward members
for professional services. The first comes from a professional who
provides service; the second comes from a ward member who uses the
services of professionals in her ward. Read on for two perspectives:
My husband is also in a service business
and has unfortunately had similar unpaid learning experiences. When
called upon by the bishop to render free service, he does so willingly.
However, when individuals call we treat them just like any other
customer.
We start by asking them to contact
us on our business phone and only give that number out to others
involved in the project. We plan a business hours appointment and
have them sign the same Agreement for Service we have for everyone.
If the service is prepaid for others,
it is for them also. It is easier to ask for your money and collect
it when you have kept it on a professional level from the start.
Since it is your business, it is your responsibility to
keep the whole thing businesslike by making arrangements up front.
Then there is no doubt that you expect to be paid so much at such
and such a time.
My husband’s favorite saying
is “No good deed goes unpunished,” and we have found
that doing professional favors just isn’t a good practice
and can create hard feelings on both sides.
Richer for the experience in Kansas
Thanks for a great set of guidelines,
Richer. Some people may think your practices are harsh, but when
you read the next letter you’ll see what can result when a
set of rules isn’t in place:
I am sure I am responding to a dated article, because I only get
to check into Meridian sporadically. However, I wanted to share
a thought from the receiving end.
We like to hire members to help with
projects around our home. My husband feels that if we are paying
someone to do something, we might as well pay a member and help
out the business. Our struggle is that they often hesitate to charge
us, or they will price their service so low that it is unreasonable.
We explain that it is important for
them to charge us their standard and reasonable fees so we can feel
good about asking them for future projects. Sometimes a small discount
is appreciated, however, when
members drastically under-price (or won't state a fee at all), we
pay more than they asked (or more than we think they would have
charged someone else), just to be on the safe side. This can be
stressful on our planned budget, and often we still wonder if we
paid enough.
Puzzled in Georgia
There you have it, service
providers. You may think you’re doing a kindness to ward members
when you waffle about charges you would make for your professional
services, but when you waffle over payment you’re inviting
potential disaster. Not only are you making other people uncomfortable
(the technical term here is icky), but you’re risking
being underpaid or overpaid and causing potential problems. It might
be better to do as Richer suggests and lay out the situation in
black and white before the work is ever undertaken.
Okay, readers. Next week we’re
on to a new topic. If you have any suggestions for future topics,
please write to me at circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com.
Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter
isn't spam. And when you write, be sure to include your full name,
city and state or province or country. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous,
sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy
from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)
Until next week — Kathy
"Those in the midst
of severe trials are not helped by the jaunty optimism of those
who have somehow escaped the same pain. Clinical pathologies with
their biochemical component aside,
what is our discouragement threshold? What does it take to immobilize
us? How much of an obstacle throws us into anxiety and depression,
making us want to give up?”
Davis Bitton
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