We've got a nice crop of letters today, offering help to the new Relief Society president who was having trouble getting service assignments filled. If you missed last week's column, she wondered how families in the Church should strike a balance between children's extracurricular activities and church service.

Those of you who wrote had great things to say — as usual. Here we go with today's advice:

I won't pretend to have inspiration for your ward but will offer a few insights that may bring you the discernment you need to help your ward learn to serve. 

Perhaps a few well planned lessons on service could be helpful.  Although it is certainly true that we all have seasons in our lives, it is vital to also realize that we can fill our lives with many good things and still
miss the mark on finding that which is most important.  Perhaps this would help your sisters and their families bring some balance into their lives and learn that it is through Christ-like service to others — or the losing of our lives — that we find our lives and the greater treasure. 
 
Is there is an expectation in your area that the meals we take to others need to be elaborate?  Perhaps you could devote an enrichment night to a repertoire of easy to prepare main dishes using ingredients found in most homes.  The sisters could be encouraged to keep on hand the needed ingredients to make several of these recipes at all times.  This would not only serve their families well in a time crunch, but a service meal could be made without a trip to the grocery store.

Encourage your sisters when making a service meal to make two — one to give away and the other for their own family.  Especially when using simple recipes, it is not double the work to make dinners for two
families.  (I won't lie.  It's more effort than making for one, but I've had twins and know about this phenomenon!)  

There may be wisdom in prayerfully asking specific sisters and their families instead of relying on a volunteer sign-up sheet.  Sometimes we may feel intimidated by how quickly others volunteer.  Perhaps you could even ask the faithful few to not be so quick to sign-up!

I would also suggest that however you decide to proceed, that you include the priesthood in your efforts.  If the Priesthood quorums are having similar discussions, perhaps opportunities for service would be viewed as a family opportunity.  The sisters and brethren both need the support of their spouses and children as they reach out in service to others.

Ann C Richardson
Woods Cross, Utah

Thanks for some excellent suggestions, Ann. You said a lot of good things, but the one that struck home for me was the idea of making two meals instead of one when taking meals for service — one for the family in need, and the other for the family that was offering the service.

Many years ago, Clark and I home taught a wonderful family who were perfect in every way except that they never went to church. When we finally got the courage to ask why, the wife said she had grown up with a mother who spent her life making pies and cakes for everyone else, but who never gave anything to her own family. We couldn't help but think how easy it would have been for Grandma to have made double batches of some of those treats, so her family could share the wealth. She was so busy showing love to everyone else that her own daughter felt unloved and neglected. As a result, a whole family missed out on the blessings of the gospel.

I think it is a fallacy that keeping kids busy all the time will help kids long-term.  It delays the time when they will make their own choices until they are away from us and out of our influence.  The problem of being too busy to serve others is a great example of what happens when we decide we must be so busy we are never still.

Kids learn so much by serving.  I take my daughter with me visiting teaching when I need a companion.  My kids help with meals and other acts of service as well.

Our culture in and out of the Church is becoming increasingly materialistic and selfish.  The goal is for those kids to compete and get ahead.  Parents live in constant fear that their children will make bad choices so they keep them so busy there are no choices at all.  What will become of these kids?  How many will have difficulty adjusting to adult life when they suddenly face reality instead of working their way in gradually?  I would far rather my kids make their choices while they are under my roof and I still have some influence.

There are ways to get the other sisters more involved.  We can learn about their talents and find something small some of the others can help with.  We can keep asking the sisters who say no to us over and over.  At one point I really could not help and after saying no to the RS twice, no one asked me to help again, even though my busy period had passed.  Sometimes we just caught someone during the wrong season.

Another way to get me to help, is to give me as much warning as possible.  The minute you know you will need help, start calling so we can arrange our schedules.

Please also recognize that much service is done secretly and some of the sisters may be doing things you are not aware of.

I have had the compassionate service calling in two different wards.  Our greatest treasures were the women whose children had left home, but who continued to choose not to work for money.  We could not have survived without them and their service.  I seriously doubt many people had any idea how much good some of these women did for all of us. 

One thing we could do as a culture is stop giving women who don't work a hard time and stop asking them what they do all day.  I have been shocked over the years at how many people have asked me when I was going back to work (It started when my first was born).  I can live on what my husband makes and I do not find my personal worth directly correlated with how much money I can generate.

This topic also can't keep me from remembering something my grandmother, who was not a member, told me.  She said, "If you ever want to get something done, ask a busy person."  Some people are just given a greater capacity to produce and an outlook that extends outside their own families.

Liz DeForest

Thanks for some great points, Liz. You always come through! I like your idea of involving children in service. Going back to the neglected little girl we used to home teach, another way her mother could have quelled the resentment would have been to involve her daughter in the service activities. If she could have used that time to teach her daughter to make pie crusts or frost cakes or even eat the leftovers in the frosting bowl, it could have made a big difference in her daughter's life.

Here's another thought:

For some time now, we have been urged within our ward to pray daily for missionary opportunities and then look for promptings or actual opportunities to appear in our day-to-day activities. The issue of
service came up in our Gospel Doctrine class, given the Savior's example and commandments for us. Within the class, the suggestion was made that we should likewise pray daily for service opportunities and look for prompting or actual opportunities. If this become part of our family prayers, then it is easier to say to the kids, "You know how we've been praying for service opportunities. Well, here's one that's an answer to our prayers."

As far as the general issue of kids' activities vs. service opportunities: I likewise worry that we focus too much on the former, and I worry even more what our motivations are. Are we trying to relive (or live for the first time) something from our own childhood? Are we competing with our neighbors and ward members? Is our approval of and/or pride in our children based on how they perform?

Our kids are all grown now (the youngest is 21), but if I could do things over again, I would focus far more on family service activities and far less on some of the ephemera that tended to dominate our lives at the time.

Bruce F. Webster
Parker, Colorado
http://adventures-in-mormonism.com

What a great idea, Bruce — to pray for service opportunities. That's a great way to involve the whole family! I would add that we should pray for the discernment to recognize the opportunities when they come our way. Sometimes we almost have to be hit over the head with a spiritual frying pan before we realize that the little that crept into our mind is actually a spiritual prompting. If we pray for the opportunities and also pray for the ability to discern those spiritual nudges when they come, we'll be ready to serve when the opportunities arise.

What a great topic! I for one just love service. Service doesn't have to take away from a lot of family time like many think or feel. It's important for all of us to remember that we're all doing what the Lord would have us do. That's spending time with our families and serving one another.

Can you imagine what would it have been like if the Savior only served his family and close friends? We need to remember that Heavenly Father expects us to take care of our ward families as well as our own families. As long as we have a willing heart to serve Heavenly Father, then there's no reason to worry about having time. Time will be made.

Satan wants us to feel that we can't do it and feel inadequate, when we're not. If you're worried about making time for both family and serving others, pray for help and guidance. Service may be something small like making cookies for a sister who is lonely and dropping them off to her. It may be sending a letter or it may be visiting a sister in the ward. Cooking dinner for a family who needs it, cleaning a house, watching kids, and the list can go on and on. Service is service, no matter how big or small the service may seem. We bless the lives of those we serve, and our lives are more blessed for serving others. 

Katie Bartow
Leander, Texas

That's an excellent letter, Katie. I like the idea that “time will be made.” Most excellent!

Here's another endorsement of involving the whole family in service:

I think the answer is obvious — family participation in service.  Maybe a lesson or activity could focus on encouraging sisters to find a service the entire family could provide. 

As a young single mom, I used to take my daughter, Mom, and single sister, and we would volunteer at a local outdoor theater in the summer time.  We had a blast.  Doing the work was made fun by our enjoying the time together, plus we were all able to feel that glorious feeling you take home with you when you have donated your time to a worthy cause.  Because my young daughter (we did this for several summers, she was 8-13) was able to spend time with the women in her life, help out at the park, and learn the feeling of service, she is a service minded young mother herself today. 

I also think that if we can teach our children this service feeling, and incorporate them into our service projects, they are not disappointed if we are late to, or even have to miss an event we were planning, when something comes up we are called to serve with.

In other words, I don't think it has to be family versus service; it can and should be family doing service.

Teresa in Las Vegas

Thanks for writing, Teresa. I like the way that you used service to get closer to your daughter. Now you're reaping the double benefits of having a daughter who is close to you and having a daughter who is service-oriented. Well done!

I'm not sure if this idea has been mentioned yet in regards to the article...

But when I'm doing my visiting teaching, temple work, or other service, I always keep in mind that by so doing, I am serving my family. I am being an example to my children. I am serving as their example. Also, a lot of service that is asked of us, the children can be involved in. Like when the Relief Society president asks you to take dinner to someone, the whole family can help prepare it. My calling to make church activity flyers, I let the kids help.

But even with keeping these ideas in mind, I still do from time to time have to say no. You really do need to balance things out. And like you said if the same people start getting asked to do everything, pretty soon everything becomes too much, and before you know it, you could loose more help.

A Reader

Thanks for writing, A! I like the idea of serving your family by serving as their example. Of course, an extra plate of cookies on occasion helps out too — but I'm sure you have that well under control.

I think we all struggle with this problem of time management but I have learned a great lesson for myself and also from several friends as we served in what we called "big, busy callings."  Once over the initial shock of our callings, we had to organize our lives and EVERYTHING around us in order to do our callings as the Lord would have us do. 

We found that when we had extra work to do, or things took longer than we planned, we would pray for extra help from the Lord.  Somehow that prayer was always answered so we could manage our homes, our families and our callings.  The laundry pile was shorter, the dryer took less time to dry the clothes, and traffic seemed to move out of our way as we ran errands.  The Lord blessed us as we struggled to do our best.  The Lord can make all things happen for our good and the lives of others.

I think this is also possible in our homes.  If we make a weekly or monthly appointment to serve in a food kitchen or read to children in the library, or whatever our hearts are called to do, we will receive the blessing of the Lord as we struggle to do all that He has asked us to do.  I know that I can go to sleep easier at night knowing that I have done all that I can to serve, no matter how large or small my service was that day.

Children should not be programmed with activities so that every hour is scheduled.  They need time to just think and wonder about things.  They need to learn that not everyone has the same blessings as they do, and know that service is an important part of life.  We are not to be takers only but givers as well.  If they don't learn it at home, then where will they learn it? 

Sports are wonderful, but not six days a week.  All things in season but not constantly.  The Lord loved us enough to serve us and give his life.  What greater example can we have?  Why can't we understand that serving our brothers and sisters IS more important than soccer or football or another credit for a book report just so they can have the highest total for the class?  Service lasts a lifetime on earth and in eternity.  May we find a way to make it an important part of our lives forever.

A Person

Thanks, Person, for bringing up the idea of praying to make our lives smoother so service fits in better. I've never done that, but it seems like a good idea to me. This may not be a prayer that is always answered, because we need to learn to serve even when service is a hardship. But if it smooths the road even sometimes, it's worth the effort.

And finally, here's a little food for thought:

I just read your article on giving service and since I am not in the Circle of Sisters I thought I'd add my two cents worth to you directly.

The answer is that those who put family first are not correctly centered.  Where in the scriptures does it say to put family first?  What I have understood is that we should put Christ first in our lives and then he will let us know what comes second.  Sometime (maybe even most times) it is family, but other times it's a Church calling and other times providing unassigned service or other times the temple or other times a job or whatever.  If family was always first there would be no service to others, no missionaries, no general authorities, etc.  Stephen Covey's book The Divine Center articulates this whole idea far better than I just did.

Thanks for helping to providing a great magazine.  I have used some many of the articles to help me and others.

Jack B. Castle
Hagerstown, Maryland

Thanks for a great letter, Jack. You don't need to be a bona fide Relief Society member to contribute to this column, and your advice came in handy today. As long as the family isn't neglected, it can and should take an occasional back seat — as you are prompted through your prayers.

Okay, readers — that's it for today. See you next week, when we're going to ask a different question related to this same topic. Be thinking about service this week, and next week you'll be ready for the twist this conversation is going to take.

Until next week — Kathy

You must give some time to your fellow men.
Even if it's a little thing, do something for others —
something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it.

Albert Schweitzer
French philosopher & physician (1875-1965)