We've received some more excellent responses in our quest to help Southern Mom convince her teenage son that chastity is not just a quaint, old-fashioned concept. It constantly amazes me to read what our readers have to say. There's a lot of wisdom found in the women of the Church!

Without further ado, here are their comments:

I am 31, female, just over a year married, with our first — a boy — due in a month.  I do not have the perspective of a mother with a teenager, but with a son on the way, I already worry about what he will face. 

In facing this issue for myself in the future, I recall when I was a teenager and a young single adult dealing with this issue.  I also was taught the gospel in a very active home, and still experienced friction with my parents over dating and the social scenes I was choosing.  As a teenager, I knew my mother was concerned about my choice of friends and activities because she began giving me earlier curfews and not allowing me to go out at times. 

This was very frustrating mostly because the message it sent was that she did not have faith in me to make right choices when faced with temptations.   I remember feeling more hurt by that than the rules imposed.  Nothing was said to that effect, which left it wide open to my own interpretation — and as a teenager, understanding is often skewed.

Here are my thoughts:

Jolynn from the East and the West 

Thanks for a powerful letter, Jolynn. And what makes your letter even more valuable is the fact that you're writing it from the perspective of someone who was on the receiving end of her mother's good intentions. Excellent work!

Here is a letter that reminds Southern Mom — and all of us — that people are watching even our innocent actions:

What about example as far as do you watch movies in your home that may show women with a little cleavage? Do you have any magazines that may have any of the same subtle immodesty? It all tantalizes the senses regardless of how subtle it may be. This may not be an issue in your home, but having actions match up to teaching as much as possible is always helpful in creating a consistent standard.

It sounds like you have done the teaching about chastity and why stay pure. If your example and teaching match up you may have done all you can do in that department. If your son knows the rules but is determined to flout them, he will have to face the consequences. You cannot rescue him.

If you are not entirely sure he has been immoral, maybe your husband can start doing PPI's with all your children each week. Using his priesthood and the spirit he can know what questions to ask or what information to give. There is a pamphlet especially for boys about chastity that is directed to the men and boys of the Church. I cannot remember the name of it. Maybe a Young Men president or bishop can help out if Dad isn't an option. Allow whatever information shared to be private between your son and that person so he does not feel pressured to divulge anything.

If there is nothing left to do but let him make his own mistakes, accept that. Heavenly Father does not force obedience, and your son has reached an age where he understands that he does not have to obey you. If something does happen, isn't it better that you have a good relationship and can help him emotionally than to be not speaking because of all the contention this issue may have caused?

If you know his behavior and he has admitted it to without any intent of change, make it very clear that if pregnancy occurs he will be expected to get a job and he will have to think about marriage and what it takes financially to provide a home for himself and his family.

It is perfectly fine to say "you know how we feel about this behavior, we have cautioned you about its consequences. How you act is your choice but we want you to know that we will not allow you to bring any girl home alone or allow any of this activity to take place under our roof. If we find you in our house with a girl in a compromising situation, you need to know that we will call this young girl's parents and let them know what has taken place." This will make him accountable for his actions and also protect impressionable children that may be at home.

I have also heard an example where if some of the siblings who know and understand his behavior you can discuss it with them and ask them why this action is wrong. Ask them what the consequences of this action may be and then decide as a family what you can do to love and support your son — such as a family fast or other measures.

Some good parenting books that help in learning how to discuss emotionally charged situations are found by Dr. Glenn Latham. Good Luck!

Anonymous Reader

Thanks so much, Anonymous, for some more excellent advice. I like your counsel for Dad to have weekly PPIs with a son who may be in jeopardy, and I also appreciate your reminder that after Mom has done all she can do, she must step back and let her son make his own decisions — and perhaps incur the consequences of those decisions. Well said!

Here's another perspective, thanking JJ from Utah for recommending a book for Southern Mom's son to read:

I loved what JJ from Utah had to say.  I also just picked up Sean Covey's book The Six Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make. It is a very good book and says everything that needs to be said. I fortunately have not had any problem with this and I'm hoping it's because of what I taught. Here's what I told my children:

Someone else mentioned pornography.  Check that out because it could be a major part of the problem.

Janice from Phoenix

Thanks, Janice. I'm just blown away by the caliber of advice we're getting this week. Every letter has been a real gem, and there are more to come. Read on for a personal example of how a relationship can be destroyed — or saved — by a simple word:

I'm sorry for the length of this, but at the end is a story from a Relief Society conference that may be helpful in this situation.

If your child does violate this law, remember to still love him, especially when you confront him on his transgression. Make it a matter of utmost prayer, fasting, and temple contemplation; put everything you have into approaching him in a loving manner despite whatever worry and anger you have because of what may be happening.

I hear stories of people who shun family due to these transgressions. I come from a part-member family. A few years ago, one of my sisters (also LDS) was living with a boyfriend. I didn't say anything at that point; I tried to show love to her, but I didn't preach. Maybe I should have been more preachy, but we weren't too close; she kept her distance from me and we were physically and emotionally apart. 

There were problems w/this boyfriend. She ended up pregnant. I didn't learn of this until a few months later — after she had terminated the pregnancy. I can't even say how painful it was to me to learn of this. It hurt she that didn't come to her big sis when that situation of being pregnant occurred.

I planned to approach her about what happened. I wanted to let her know in a loving way that I knew what happened and that if she ever got in that situation again, let me know I would raise that child. Due to other events, a fight ensued during our visit. She started swearing and I ended up yelling out to her, " I know what you did and don't you ever do that again !" That statement has ruined our relationship. Since that point she has basically estranged herself from me and other family members. I wish I could take back those words. I hope we can renew our sister relationship someday.

What I learned:

If I could go back in time and remove those words, I would have prayed more and just prepared better, and I would have bit my tongue when our fight started.

I wish I could go back and implement the lesson and words used in the following story that was told at a Stake Relief Society workshop. The class had to do w/raising teenagers. In that session, a sister shared a story about a teenager who ended up pregnant. So she approached her mom to tell her. The mom searched for the words to say and said, "You must be so scared." Somehow those words comforted this girl and she was able to cry with her mom about what occurred. Those words drew them together, instead of apart.

What is cool about the story about the lady who said "you must be so scared" is another lady in that meeting heard that story. Some time later, her son accidentally caused a car accident in the church parking lot. Someone came to get her out of the meeting to see what had happened.  So this lady restrained herself and told her son, "You must be so scared". After that young man returned from his mission, he told his mom that the day he knew he could trust his mom is the day she told him "You must be so scared" instead of lashing out at him. 

How I wish I could have said something like this instead of what I cruelly uttered to my sister.

Anyway, hope those words can be of some use to someone.

Anonymous in the East

What a great letter, Anonymous! Thanks for sharing your story of how not to do things — as well as the story of how a similar situation was handled in a better way. It seems that we learn our most powerful lessons from the mistakes we make. I hope that will prove to be as true for your sister as it has been for you.

Here is a letter that reminds us to praise our children for the good they do:

I have three things to say:

Also an Easterner

Thanks, Also, for reminding us to praise people for the good they do instead of criticizing them for things they don't. This falls under the category of “choosing your battles,” and is something we can all afford to be reminded to do more often.

Here is a brief perspective that puts a whole new spin on the situation:

Live and learn. Thanks for writing, Idaho. That was something I didn't know.

I raised six children in Southern California and, early on, felt it important to stay close to them, to answer questions and to teach the gospel in everyday opportunities.  There were many, many teaching moments when children

• would watch teens in the neighborhood "making out" on the grass
• would be watching movies with skimpily clad people,
• would be hearing what kids at school said or did,

and they would comment on that at home. Sometimes they would ask questions.  Those were the times I took the opportunity, with a prayer in my heart that somehow this moment would prove to be a strength to them when they were older, to answer their questions and to teach them what Heavenly Father wanted them to do to prepare for happy family life here and in the next. 

I geared it to their age and ability to understand, but I always taught them gospel principles and values at the same time.  I felt that modesty, chastity and a healthy concept of their bodies would be ingrained by my own healthy attitude about these things as we discussed these topics.  I also felt that it would be too late to teach them these things when they were in their early teens:  they needed to be taught while young and impressionable and curious in a natural family setting so that what is normal and right would not succumb to peer pressure or what was politically correct. 

My children understood that it is unwise to date or to go steady early, and other things like that, and happily none of them did.  I am grateful to be able to say that each of my children have proved worthy to be married in the temple.  I'm also very grateful that I was able to be a stay-at-home mom to train and be close to them. We faced very trying times financially and emotionally, but we were blessed and made it through the grace of God! 

Grandma of 20
Orem, Utah

Thanks for writing, Grandma, and reminding us of the importance of starting to teach these things early. If you wait until you think a child is old enough to understand a concept, somebody else will have beat you to the punch by the time you enter the boxing ring.

Our next letter comes from a reader of the male persuasion. He isn't writing to address the original question, however, as much as to respond to a reader from last week who said her daughter had told her about her fiancé's confession that he had broken the law of chastity in his younger years. Read on for what he has to say:

Just thought I'd respond to Missouri Mom, whose daughter told her about her fiancé's confession of impropriety. I wonder what other details of the couple's most private intimate life she will share with her mother in the future?

Now that the sin has presumably been repented of, it is as though it never happened — except in the mind of this young man's future mother-in-law (father-in-law, and who else?). But however saintly and charitable she is, she will always know that her son-in-law did this, and will always feel, it appears, that her daughter "deserved better." And is the daughter starting married life with the feeling that she deserved better? Not the best way to start a marriage, and if she really feels that she deserves better, perhaps she should rethink the marriage.

The conversation in which the daughter divulged this sensitive information could have been a most sincere and loving one, I do not doubt, and the intentions may have been of the best kind. And all may be forgiven on all sides. I have some questions for the daughter, though: has she told her fiancé about that conversation? He deserves to know, I would think.

The daughter was comfortable disclosing her fiancé's very personal affairs to her mother. Why did she feel the need to do this? Is she just as comfortable telling him that she talked to her mother about it? If not, this raises a big red flag for me. And if I were the young man, I would likely have a very serious talk with my fiancée, get some sincere answers to these questions and think twice about marrying her unless there were a significant shift in her relationship away from her mother and toward me.

Yes, we all make mistakes in our relationships, and many people have weathered much more serious problems than this (the immediate problem here being not so much the young man's indiscretion, but his fiancée's), and relationships gain immeasurably from repenting and forgiving and being forgiven when couples have disappointed each other. And perhaps the young man in this case is perfectly comfortable with his fiancée's disclosure to her mother. Perhaps.

And yes, an abusive man will distort the natural realignment that should occur away from parents and toward the spouse, demanding a severance of appropriate familial relationships in order to unrighteously control his wife. But a healthy marriage relationship necessarily involves a change in prior alignments and relationships, as consistently taught by our prophets.

An Observer from Texas

Wow, Texas. That's what happens when a man enters the conversation — he brings up a perspective that completely flew over the heads of the females in the group. No doubt the same thing happens when a woman interjects a thought into a previously male-dominated conversation.

I'm glad you wrote in, and I hope other men will follow your lead and send their opinions whenever they feel an urge to do so. This column may be called “Circle of Sisters,” but it got that name long before I appeared on the scene. I hope the men will think of it as a “Circle of Saints” and will know that their views are welcome too.

Finally, we have a comment from Meridian columnist Daryl Hoole, who wanted to respond to the concept of offering our children unconditional love. Here is what she had to say: 

It is the desire of worthy parents to love their children as God loves us, His children. Somehow, however, there is a misunderstanding among many parents about what God's love really is. Some mistakenly think it is unconditional love. That is not correct. God's love is perfect, universal, and infinite, but not unconditional. It is helpful for parents to understand this distinction.  (See an insightful article by Elder Russell M. Nelson captioned "Divine Love," Ensign, February 2003.)  It's when parents know the true principles of God's love, that they can feel confident and comfortable in expressing it toward their children. 

It is important for children to know that their Father in Heaven (and we as their earthly parents) loves them because of their worth. (John 3:16; Ether 12:33) There is nothing our children can do to make God or us stop loving them.  However, they do have to suffer the consequences of their behavior. Our children need to be absolutely sure of that and the resulting consequences.  Furthermore, God (and we) favor them because of their worthiness. (D&C 82:10; 130:20-21; 132:5). Children need to know this as well. 

In summary, God loves us because of our worth. God blesses us according to our worthiness.   

Daryl Hoole

Thanks, Daryl, for a timely reminder. Your letter was an excellent way to close out this subject.

Stay tuned next week for a shiny new topic. Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions for future columns, send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com.  Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone —
but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding.”

Bette Davis,
Actress (1908 - 1989)