Teaching Chastity to Recalcitrant Teens
By Kathryn H. Kidd

As I expected, Meridian's terrific readers didn't spend a moment leaving our Southern Mom out to dry. For those of you who didn't see last week's column, SM sent an anguished plea to all of us, asking how she could talk about chastity to her unconvinced teenage son. She wanted to reinforce to the teen that under no circumstances should he even think about engaging in sex before marriage — but that if he did, he needed to use protection.

This was a fine line to walk, but Meridian readers had lots of suggestions. Here is the first batch of them:

After reading your letter, I decided to send a quick response.

The Holy Ghost is indeed the best teacher.  I would encourage you to fill your home with things that invite that spirit, like good music, entertainment, magazines, and so on.  Use them.  If they are on a shelf they don't work well.  I've found that filling my home with the Spirit is one of those small and simple things that bring great things to pass.

I just wanted to share with you two books that have been fantastic for my son. I've thought these books were very well the investment:

• The Six Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make, by Sean Covey.
• Growing Up: Gospel Answers about Maturation and Sex by Brad Wilcox

The six decisions in the Covey book include school, friends, parents, dating and sex, addictions, and self worth.  This book gives sound advice and information that support the gospel but are not connected to it in this book.  It gives examples of sex myths, intelligent dating vs. brainless dating, and other topics that would be of interest to teens.  It's hard to put to words how this book is written, but if your child is in a stage of rebellion and the spiritual consequences don't seem to be of much influence, this is the book to get. It addresses important issues as using good sense, not because it's a commandment. 

The Wilcox book is very spiritually based.  It is all about the spiritual reasoning behind maturation and sex.  It also includes chapters on pornography, and talking to your bishop.  They are both great, in my opinion.

Don't forget the small and simple!

A Reader from Arkansas

Thanks for some great solutions, Arkansas. It's always terrific to have a good book to leave around for a teenager to find, or to put on his bed where he can't miss it. The two you mentioned sound like real winners. I also like the simple solution of filling the home with spiritual things that will be a reminder without nagging of where the family's priorities lie. Good idea!

I am no expert on the subject, but I suggest starting by talking with the teen about his plans for the future. This talk should probably be at a time when both you and the teen are calm and able to discuss things rationally. Try to keep the discussion upbeat and with a loving tone.

Start with college or technical school, career, marriage and children. How does the Church and faith fit into these future plans? What does the teen want his future home life to be like? Would the priesthood
and church attendance be part of that? Talk about the advantages of raising children with the foundation of faith and the priesthood in the home.

Then help the teen to see how premarital sexual relations can interrupt those plans, often permanently. Talk about the sacred nature of marital sex and how indulging during the teen years can lead to skewed perceptions of sex and of members of the opposite gender. Point out how premarital sex can lead to unwanted pregnancies and STDs. Remember that teens may tend to see themselves as invulnerable and may need a dose of reality that they are not immune to such things.

Talk about the advantages of making such decisions before the temptation arises. Help the teen to see how such things as dress and grooming standards, curfews and participation in seminary and Mutual, in addition to Sunday meetings, helps to provide spiritual strength, uplifting activities and like-minded peers. Help them to see how the prophet's counsel and our Heavenly Father's commandments are intended to help us to have happier lives than the world's values can give us.

In other words, help the teen to have a clearer view of the Big Picture and his or her place in it.

Another thing I did when my children were teens was to be careful about what I facilitated. I figured that I couldn't really control what my daughter wore after she left the house for school, but I didn't have to
provide immodest clothing for her. She had some say in what I bought, but I would not buy clothing I felt was immodest. Nor would I wear such clothing. Remember, a parent is ALWAYS teaching, set a good example.

I also was a stay-at-home mom and was usually at home waiting for my children when they got out of school. It is more or less a given that young children need their parents around, but I wonder how many
unplanned teen age pregnancies happen in the home of the girl or the boy before the parents get home from work. I know many mothers have to work, but if it's at all possible, try to arrange to have one parent home after school.

Also, I welcomed my children's friends into our home. I figured that if they brought their friends to our house, I would know where my children were, who they were with and what they were doing. Providing a few snacks and meals along the way for friends was a small price to pay for that reassurance.

Minou Shelton

Thanks for the advice, Minou. Sitting down for a talk with a sullen teenager may be easier said than done, but you've provided good questions for parents who can get up the courage to do so. I like the focus of your questions on the Big Picture.

I also like the reminder that, like it or not, parents are huge examples to their children. Before any parent can expect a child to grow in the right direction, the parent has to be growing the same way. You've given some excellent counsel!

I am so glad my kids are all raised and temple married! It is a very hard time to raise teens.

First of all, I would make very, very sure that there is not a pornography problem. Do an extensive computer check. Porn can be the root problem.

It seems to me that if this teen is imminently going to engage in sexual activity, he must have a girlfriend and be single dating. If this is the case, then adjustments in his privileges and behavior need to be made. Are you sure you are not compromising or skimping on any of the standards in the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet? Even little variations can make a big difference.  

I am a family services representative and am well acquainted with teen pregnancy. It sounds like a very serious discussion with son and Mom and Dad are in order. Plan a quiet private time and outline all of the positive reasons for waiting — the joys now and during marriage that come when one waits. Explain your family standard and your great expectation and trust that he will choose the right and uphold your standard. I would not mention birth control because even if you urge him to use it, most teens don't. Do let him know some of the consequences of the choice to break the law — extreme emotional distress in many forms, including a breakup with the girl; guilt; disappointing you and distressing siblings; being faced with unwanted pregnancy, and disappointing and hurting a future spouse.

My daughter called me one day in tears because her fiancé had confessed to sexual activity in his teen years (not necessarily intercourse). She was very distraught and did not understand why because she really wanted to be understanding and forgiving. I suggested that the reason she was angry was that she knew she deserved better. She had kept herself completely worthy and she had deserved that as well.

People can repent, but some consequences still come.

Also talk about the consequences of teen pregnancy. I hope you are completely up to speed on the Prophet's counsel on this subject and have a testimony of it:

• Marry if appropriate and give the child a chance of happiness and stability, and
• Place the baby into an adoptive home through LDS Family Services.

You can also ask him what he thought fair consequences would be if he took drugs, cheated or stole. This is the same thing. You would not sanction your son choosing those behaviors. This is no different. Is he receiving pressure from other sources that you are not aware of?

Last, tell him that he will never regret waiting, but five, ten, and many years later he will regret it if he does not wait. Then tell him how much you trust and love him and will always love him no matter what his choices in life. Hug him and then fast and pray as a family on his behalf. Then leave it in the Lord's hands.

Your son has his agency and may make mistakes. Pray for courage to support and help him no matter what. Also, I was prompted to read my child's journal and caught him just before he "jumped off the cliff." My advice here today is a result of the mistakes I made with my kids. I wish I had done a lot of the things I propose to you.

Lastly, your Father in Heaven knows him and will guide you in what you need to do.

A Missouri Mom

Thanks for a great letter, Missouri! I especially appreciated the part about telling your child you love him whatever choices he makes. Children need to know that even though you may be disappointed in their choices, your love for them is unconditional. Thanks for the reminder!

Our next reader has advice for a mother who just can't say the right words when the teenager is staring her in the face:

Wish I could say that we had solved this problem perfectly when our teen son went off the beam. I tried writing a letter and sometimes it made a difference.

Often the only time we write our children what is in our heart is for Young Women camp. That's too bad because a letter allows you to say what is in your heart and keep the shrillness, emotional triggers and panic out of your tone of voice and words.  Often the words that end up in the letter are nothing like you would say, and, in my case, that was all too the good.  You have time to pray and fast about what you say.

Possibly in the letter we need to include reasons other than the obvious “I don't want you to do this”; “it's dangerous”; “Heavenly Father doesn't like it.” Here are some examples of things you may want to point out:

• In order to have sex with multiple partners, you must separate sex and forever love.  Since sex is so intimate, a person has to harden his heart against  real love to do this.  To harden your heart against real love means becoming crude to prove how hard you can be. 
• In order to have sex with multiple partners, you must assume that your body is not an integral part of your spirit — that you can do anything you want with it and there is no consequence.
• In order to have sex with multiple partners, you must assume that your partner is of less spiritual value than you are — that you are not you neighbor's keeper and hold no responsibility for another's fall or further degradation.
• To have unprotected sex, you must assume that every person you are with is a virgin and has no possibility of STD's.
• To have sex with a virgin means that you are in part responsible to Heavenly Father for that person's lack of chastity and all the personality and personal consequences that come from that original loss.
• To say that you love someone and can't wait tells that person you love that she has less spiritual value than the fun and pleasure of a momentary climax.  This sounds crude, but that is what the value is when you separate forever love within marriage from sex.
• In summary, to have sex outside of marriage means that having sex is merely a superficial appetite and that intimacy plays no part in it.

JJ from Utah

Thanks for some concrete advice, JJ. You made some excellent points.

One of the neat things about a letter is that it says things that can be read again and again. So if you take the letter route, be sure to tell the recipient that you love him. In fact, you may want to say it a couple of times in the body of the letter!

Read on for yet another perspective:

I went through a similar challenge with one of my teenagers.  I found my answers by focusing on my own spirituality.  I increased the frequency of my own prayers, gospel study, and temple attendance.  I prayed to know what I should do and say.  I prayed for peace to replace the feelings of panic that I felt. 

My teenager responded better to a calm parent rather than a frantic one.  I received some unexpected answers and some surprising guidance.  In addition, I discussed my concerns with other appropriate adults in my teenager's life so they could help in appropriate ways (Bishop, youth leader, trusted school teacher).  Remember, Heavenly Father also loves your teen and wants him to succeed. 

Mother from Utah

What an excellent point, Utah! We don't have to be sinning or even a spiritual slacker to ratchet up our own spirituality. All of us can benefit from a recommitment to spiritual goals. Thanks for the reminder!

Read on for counsel from someone who knows what happens when a teenager ignores the laws of chastity:

It is never easy to talk about chastity with our teenage children.  I know with my three, it was not so hard to do with them, but still you worry.

I was inactive and in my late teens and fell into a life I never thought I would be in.  It starts with a kiss, then a more intimate kiss to necking, to light touching, to full-blown trouble.  I got pregnant.

The man married me but he hated the fact he was forced to marry before he was ready.  So here I was 17 and pregnant and felt like I was drowning — and everywhere I turned it was swallowing me up completely. 

When I turned 18, I lost the baby. I was so depressed thinking I must have done something wrong.  My husband asked for a divorce so I gave it to him and thought, Why did all of this happen? I wasn't a bad person, was I?   I went back home and found I had to sleep on the living room couch because my parents had moved into a one-bedroom apartment.   I was thoroughly depressed by now. 

What was I to do? I was too young to be thinking along these lines.  I was unprepared for housekeeping duties, being responsible for someone else, making someone else happy when you don't know if you are happy yourself.  Then I thought about my baby. If my baby had lived, would he or she be able to help me to become a mom? 

We really don't stop to think what the consequences will be.  We are in the moment, we sense a no or stop , but the pressure to continue seems more important.  Why do we do it? What might have changed for me and millions of young people?

It all starts from birth — teaching the principles and doctrine, having Family Home Evening, having family prayer, talking to and listening to your kids, inviting their friends into your home. Parents can never give up teaching, even if their children don't seem to be listening or actively fight to be away from the family. 

Hold them, love them, talk about how you felt when they were born. Convey to them the joy the happiness of looking into your sweetheart's face to see the love he has for you.  Talk about their first words, their first steps, their Primary talks, and all the other things that made you excited and proud.  Be in the moment with them; they really do want to hear it.  Give them loving, sweet, tender words.  You need to try everything to save them. 

When I was 22 I met and fell in love with a worthy young man who took me to temple.  Oh, the joy of knowing I was pure and clean to be able to do this!  It took a Bishop's love to help me get to this point.  I look back and wonder why I, of all people, took a direction that caused so much misery and pain and guilt.  My husband now of 32 years tells me I am beautiful and special all the time; what a difference from my first marriage. 

I told my kids about myself when they were in 5th, 6th, and 7 grade.  I walked onto a school yard one day and heard the most awful language and one of the teachers was talking to another teacher and said we caught them with their pants down and trying to go at it.   I was stunned and asked how old they were and then I was almost crying when they said kindergarten kids.  They told their teachers that they watched it on TV. The girl said she watched videos her parents had. 

Today, kids are wearing wristbands — pink for one act of sex and yellow or blue for another sex act.  They go from partner to partner, Oh yes they may be on the pill, but a big percentage of those kids are suffering from sexually transmitted diseases.   

To the mother of teens who they seem to fight with day in and out.  Take a time out and take each child out for dinner and remind him of your love for him.  If you can't afford a dinner, take a walk and talk and laugh.  Prayer is also another good one; take your child into your room kneel together. 

I send my love and best wishes to each MOM who wants to help their child. 

Kathy Ogden

Thanks so much for writing, Kathy. Your letter is all the more powerful because you were one of those rebellious teens, and you suffered the consequences of your own actions. Your words will help a lot of readers today.

The next letter shows that good can even come from bad situations:

The key is prayer, prayer and more prayer for your teen.  Our son was at a marijuana party where they started talking about religion.  As they passed the weed from one to the other, the question was asked, “What do you personally believe?”  He thought for the first time seriously about that question, and Heavenly Father brought his testimony front and center.  This experience changed his life.  He went on a mission and married in the temple.

Anonymous

Thanks for a success story, Anonymous. Miracles really can happen if you pray without ceasing for a child who is in danger of going astray.

As a member of the Church and as a nurse practitioner I have run into this problem frequently, both in my professional practice and in dealing with youth in the Church. I have come to the conclusion that there are youth who will fall to lures of the world no matter what we say or do. I have let them know that they have the free agency to mess up their own lives, but they should not ruin the life of a yet unborn child.

To suggest to a teen to use contraception is not telling him something he doesn't already know. I let them know that I do not approve of immoral behavior, but if they are determined to follow that path then at least use contraceptive measures. This is a difficult issue, but it becomes so much more complicated when an innocent baby is involved.

Hopefully, frank discussions by parents with teens about this topic can bring about a change of heart, and of course prayers for the involved child are always needed. Sadly, frank open discussions are needed. Some parents are unable to deal with this topic comfortably. I would suggest that they discuss this with their Bishop or a church social services counselor to receive guidance on how to discuss these sensitive topics. Perhaps another trusted family member or friend would be willing to talk with the teen involved if the parent is unable to do so.

A reader from Atlanta, Georgia

You bring up a good point when you mention enlisting the help of a trusted family member or friend, Atlanta. Sometimes a child closes his ears to his parents, but he may be responsive to the same words of advice from someone else. This may be a good avenue for some parents to pursue.

Thanks, too, for mentioning that a person's own free agency shouldn't ruin the life of a yet-unborn child. It's an excellent reminder.

Something we talked to our sons and daughter about is the wonderful gift you can give to the person you marry if you remain clean and pure. 

One of our sons had much temptation, and lots of opportunities to go astray, but he always knew he would someday marry the complete love of his life.  He wanted to be able to offer the same gift to her, of being clean and pure, that he expected to receive in return.  It eliminates so many worries in a young married couple.

Sometimes when you have children walking the fence, you need to speak to them not so much with Church lingo, but in practical terms.  This one worked for us.

Another Southern Mom

Thanks for a good piece of advice, Another. As other readers have written, there are more feelings for a teen to consider than his own, and more lives than his that will be affected by the course of his actions.

Finally today, we have a letter that comes all the way from a mission office in Japan:

We understand completely the challenge that you are facing.  The pressures are great in this society to forget what is really important and get involved in things that bring you down into the world's behavior.  As parents we have to trust that our young people will recognize the difference between the world and the gospel teachings. 

If this young man has in his plans to serve as a missionary, he must know that any activities of a sexual nature that are not in keeping with the Church standards may disqualify him from serving in the mission field.  Apparently are gone are the days when young people were sent into the mission field to get their lives straightened out.  The best safety for young people is to follow the suggestions given by Church leaders who make the suggestion that dating does not begin until 16 and then only group dating until they return from their missionary service. 

The pressure of the peer group is a great help also.  If a group of young men are determined to be worthy to serve missions they can help each other in this important goal.  The pressures are greater when young men get interested in young women without the same standards of conduct.  Although it is difficult for parents to point their young people to date a certain person it is well worth the effort.  Good luck in helping your young people to cling to the Iron Rod.  They will need it.

Elder John J. Totten
Japan Nagoya Mission office, with my wife

Thanks, Elder Totten, for taking time off from your duties to send words of advice.

This is one of those topics that is going to continue, because I still have a mailbox full of letters on the subject. I wanted to thank the readers who have written in for not being judgmental, but for offering such excellent advice. I'm sure Southern Mom appreciates what all of you have said.

Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions for future columns, send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com.  Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“The ability to see beauty is the beginning of our moral sensibility.
What we believe is beautiful we will not wantonly destroy.”

Sean Parker Dennison

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