We received several letters of advice for the visiting teacher who was concerned about a teachee with drug problems. Some of these letters came from women who were in the same situation as the visiting teacher, but others came from the perspective of women who had been formerly addicted to drugs themselves. These letters can help any of you who, as visiting teachers, family members, or friends, have dealt with a loved one whose life is spiraling out of control.

Our first letter today comes from a reader who is facing a similar situation to that of the concerned visiting teacher:

This is a very familiar situation to me. I am supposed to be helping a sister who I believe is now addicted to medications and has built her family life for many years around enabling her actions.  Her family had a string of misfortunes so now she blames her medication use on the bad times.  It is really sad to see her stay up all night, sleep all day and do many other very unhealthy practices, which she blames on the medications she has taken to get her through the "tough times."

Unfortunately, the original "tough times" are in the past, so most of her problems — like ours — are mainly self-made now. I don't believe she is being straight with her therapist or even in the ballpark. The family has their hope in the fact that since she does have her therapist on speed dial that everything will be o.k.

I don't even try to contact her anymore.  She never returns phone calls or opens her door. When kids are home they make excuses for her.  If she does make it to church she and her family make a pointed display of snubbing the people who know her and chatting with those on the fringe. If a mutual friend is at my house she will call but not say hello and demand to speak to that person. If she wants something, she shows up and pretends nothing has happened.  It's a game she's playing, and I guess by playing she feels has reason to blame us for not being there for her.

What do you do? Pity isn't equivalent to love.

I do know she is burning bridges she will need to cross again someday, and it makes me sad for her.   However, although I know I need to forgive her selfishness and immaturity to just love her, I am still angry at the fact that I believe she is ruining lives — not just her own, but those of but her husband and children as well.  Feeling guilty for not being a good VT in this situation adds to that anger and keeps me from seeing what I could really do if I truly loved her.

Just sign me,
Hoping to learn to love

Thanks for a candid letter, Hoping. We all know we shouldn't be angry or judgmental, but sometimes that's easier said than done. It's especially hard when you consider that innocent victims are involved. I hope the rest of these letters will give you some helpful suggestions. Meanwhile, persevere. Despite her repellent behavior, your resident drug addict needs all the friends she can get.

I am writing in regards to your recent article about a sister who is addicted to prescription medications. I hope she will get better really soon.

My best friend of many years has the same problem with pain medicines. It is a hard thing to watch people abuse their bodies with this kind of problem. (I have also been tempted to overuse pain medications.)

I would often tell your friend that you love her and want the best for her. Be honest and open with her about your feelings and her behavior.  Fasting and prayer is always helpful so you can be inspired on how to help her and those people who are affected by her behavior.

Maybe you could find some reputable information about prescription drug abuse and ask her to read it. Help her to know that she is hurting her health with this kind of behavior. My friend overuses prescription pain drugs, and her health is very poor. She almost died from surgery to remove her stomach; she told me the drugs ruined her digestive tract.

Fasting and prayer are vital, and they helped me to know what to say to my friend. She resisted my help sometimes, but I just kept letting her know I didn't want her to hurt herself anymore and I was afraid of her ruining her health and livelihood.

I agree with the husband about her going to rehab if she continues overusing the drugs. Maybe the husband should discuss with her doctor who is prescribing the pills about her abuse of the medication, if he hasn't already. I know my friend jumps from doctor to doctor to get the medication. If this is the case, talk to all the doctors she sees.

I had to report illegal activity to the authorities a few times. It was very difficult to do because it was people who I loved very much. I knew I did the right thing because the Spirit gave me peace of mind and comfort about reporting the incidents. For a few years, one of the people I reported for illegal activities wouldn't talk to me for several years. It hurt, but I kept praying that things would be better with our relationship. It is now.

I think her bishop should know what is going on with your friend. I was told by my bishop I should report any illegal activity to the proper people.

I hope things will work out for you and your friend. I am glad she has a great visiting teacher who shows her charity. You will be blessed for your efforts. Good luck!

Concerned Sister

Thanks for your comments, CS. I was especially pleased that you mentioned the importance of seeking spiritual enlightenment before giving a friend any advice. All of us are so different that what seems to be common sense that would work for anyone may not be the thing that will apply to this particular situation. Seeking spiritual help is never out of line.

One thing that I have found in my own life and in the process of helping someone else, is that we must always remember that we need to deal with the beam in our own eye.  The best thing that the teacher can do for the teachee is to continue to love her!  Be honest with her and tell her that her weakness does not stop the feeling of love that this sister has for her teachee.  Try to remember that our Heavenly Father is in charge and that prayer is one of the premier helps in dealing with trouble. 

As written, this sister mentioned that the teachee's husband was aware of the problem — so why not leave the professional stuff up to the family and just stay steady as a friend.  When we love unconditionally, we don't look at how we can “fix” someone; we just look for and encourage the Christ spirit in us all! 

I think that the teachee is pulling away because she is afraid that she is being judged — and who needs that?  I'm sure she realizes that she is in trouble, so truly the best thing to do is to stay loving and accept her just the way she is. 

Try that and remember that when one picks at a sore, it only makes the sore worse. 

Donna from California 

Thanks for writing, Donna. I liked the story of the dirty baby.

Although your theory of being judgmental is something that may apply here, and that certainly applies in our everyday life, we don't know enough about this particular situation to know whether the visiting teacher was (or was just perceived to be) judgmental in this case. I've had two separate experiences in my own life where friends confided deep secrets in me and then pulled away from the friendship. Perhaps they perceived judgment where none was given, or perhaps they felt guilty for telling me so much. But no matter what the reason, unconditional love — as you so aptly brought out — is something that everyone needs. That was an excellent point.

Read on for a letter that advocates a more hands-on approach:

This is actually a two-part question to me. The first part is being a VT who has had too much info confided in her, and the second is dealing with addiction.

First, in being a VT we are taught that we become our sister's friend and are to be there for them in their trials. I think I am an open and friendly person who seems interested in those around me and so for this reason, I have always been the person that people want to talk to and confide in. Sometimes it's like trying to stop a train wreck.

There have been many times, after someone has told me something, that the Spirit has revealed to me that they now feel that they told me too much and they will immediately start pushing me away. I've always tried not to be judgmental and made sure that my feelings about that person did not change because of their confidences. I've tried to act as if nothing had changed and continued to be their friend. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. But later they may be embarrassed at having revealed something intimate that they did not mean to.

I never felt like I was prying when they gave me their confidence and I made sure that I never repeated it, not even to my husband.

As I have gotten older and wiser I have realized that there are ways I can stop people from telling me too much for their own good. When I feel that they are going to reveal something that I may not be equipped to help them with I stop asking questions and try to change the subject to something safe. I know this may sound uncaring, but in a way it's better for them. If you truly want to be their friend they need someone they can trust and sometimes they feel distrustful after they've been too honest. Sounds weird, I know, but I think it's just human nature. I may be wrong in this but it's the only way I know to stay friends with someone with a troubled life and help them in other ways.

Second is the addiction. I know several people and have a sister who was/is addicted to prescription medication and this is an insidious addiction. Every one of them had surgeries and health problems over a period of time and by time their illnesses were over they were addicts. In my sister's case, we did not know what was wrong with her and didn't realize until years later what was going wrong in her life. Looking back I wish we'd seen the signs early and we could have maybe intervened in time to save her a lot of wasted years and money.

I'm not an expert, that's for sure, but I would confront your friend and tell her that you know she is addicted and that you feel she needs to get some help. She may actually need to go into a rehab center for several months to get the drugs out of her system. The sooner she gets off of them the better. The addiction changes their personalities and soon they won't be the wife, mother, daughter, or friend that they were before the addiction.

If you don't feel like you can confront her, then it's time to go to your RS president and tell her what you suspect. There is a mantle placed on the RS president when she is called to that position, and she will know what to do next. She may need to make a home visit and assess the situation herself and report what she finds to the bishop.

Sometimes we have to hurt people to help them. This addicted sister may never forgive her VT for seeking help for her, but the VT will know that what she did may have saved her life.

I wish this caring VT the best. She sounds like a truly wonderful person who deserves the Lord's guidance and help.

Been There
Salt Lake City, Utah

Thanks so much for your perspective, Been There. As a sister of someone who has been in that position, it is especially instructive to read your counsel to do something about the problem. One of the lovely things about the Church is the line of authority. Except for the Prophet, we all have someone above us who can counsel us when counsel is needed.

Read on for the words of another reader who has experienced this in her own family:

Having had this happen in my family, I can tell you it is not easy to deal with. Prayer is your best resource. You must also let your bishop know what is going on.

Encourage the husband to seek professional help for this sister. Understand though, that addicts will try anything to keep getting their drugs. You must rely on the Spirit to guide you and you must be spiritually prepared to listen and follow the guidance you are given.

Do not trust the addicted person. An addict will go to great lengths to convince you he is okay and doing better. It will take great strength on everyone's part to help this sister. Again, pray, pray, pray and listen, listen, listen to the Spirit.

Cheryl Hassell
Wilburton, Oklahoma

Thanks for some wise counsel, Cheryl. So often we focus on what we can do, and forget that divine counsel is available to give us more than mortal wisdom.

Read on to get some no-nonsense advice:

Addiction to prescription drugs is probably more prevalent among our sisters than we realize.  It is a serious matter and to ignore it and hope it will go away will just empower the one who is addicted.  The bishop should be informed immediately so he can help the family get proper counseling because this affects all of them and they need to be empowered to withstand the mind games and manipulation that are common from drug addiction.  Yes, this is the addiction speaking — not the person inside. The addiction is stronger than the person.  

Just as pornography is almost impossible to overcome alone, so is drug addiction.  How lucky she is that her husband is willing to put her in rehab, because if she in not treated the addiction may begin to result in illegal activity and she could end up somewhere worse than rehab.  She will beg, cajole, threaten, and insist and pretend she is better to get out, but the doctors must be certain she is clean.  Her visiting teacher can support her with love and firmness, explaining that getting off of drugs will be much harder than getting on them, but that for the sake of her husband and children she must do this.  Then she should stand by the husband and help with the children in any way she can. 

A true friend will not let someone harm herself.  She will do all in her power to help the person get help and protect those who may be harmed by the addiction.  Do not allow the addicted one to lay a guilt trip on you.  She is the guilty one. 

Good luck and stay strong.  Your sister will need you to be there after she is clean because the addiction has driven everyone else away. 

Remember, charity never faileth.  Charity is kind — but firm.

A sister in Vancouver

Thanks so much, Vancouver. You made some excellent points. I like your observation that charity is kind, but firm.

Our last letter comes from someone who has not had an addict in the family; she has been an addict herself. Read her short but compelling story here:

I have been to rehab.   There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.  One of the most important things for me was to finally accept the fact that I had become an addict and that I actually had to do something for myself to overcome the problem.  The realization came because I was in rehab.  There, one sees an incredible (and mostly likable) variety of people suffering from a wide variety and intensity of addictions.  It helps to put yourself into the context of what is really happening in your life and what could happen if you don't take steps to overcome your own level of addiction.  So don't worry about what people might think and GO. 

Rehab Veteran

Thanks, Vet, for giving us some excellent reasons why an addict needs to go to rehab. Your letter took courage to write. Thanks for sending it.

Join us next week as we tackle another issue that affects our readers. Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions for future columns, send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com.  Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“Men acquire a particular quality by
constantly acting a particular way...
you become just by performing just actions,
temperate by performing temperate actions,
brave by performing brave actions.”

Aristotle,
Greek philosopher (384 BC - 322 BC)