A passing snowplow has finally extricated me from the avalanche of letters that came to Meridian regarding rebellious children. We're finally posting the last of them today and next Monday. Ironically, these were some of the earliest we received on the subject. They got buried along with me under the deluge of mail.

To those of you who wrote in and didn't get a personal response from me, I apologize. There were just so many of them that a lot of replies just didn't get written. Write again next time a subject interests you. I'll try to do better in the future.

Meanwhile, here is the first half of the remaining letters:

I have to deal with disrespectful students daily as a teacher. At school, we have few options, but they usually involve placing the child in a different location until he/she calms down. Since a teen can't
really be sent to time out very effectively, the parent could step away until the child is back in control. But if the parent doesn't want to do that, see below:

Here are some suggestions for the home that have been shared with me.

1. When a child is this much out of control, it can be helpful for parents to join their local Tough Love group. This is a group of parents who offer suggestions and support, both emotional and physical.
Check the phone book or the Internet.

2. What has worked for many parents is this: The child's room is stripped of EVERYTHING except for a basic mattress on the floor, a set of bedsheets and a blanket, a pillow, and two very basic sets of clothing. All other goods are gone — placed in storage or with another family member in a place that the child cannot access. The offending child then gets to EARN everything back piece by piece through demonstrating appropriate behavior and respect. Things are not earned back in a big hurry. From your letter, it appears that the problems have been going on for a long time, and the child should have to wait to get his stuff back. In addition to no fun stuff in the room, the child has no car privileges, no cell phone, etc. It is like jail at home. The child must learn who is really in charge. When there is a minor child, the PARENTS are in charge, regardless of what the child says.

When the child complains or goes to the cops about you "stealing his stuff that he bought with his own money," here is the response: "Are you a minor child?" (yes) "Who pays for your home, health insurance,
medical bills, food, etc." (parents) "Right. Until you have your own place and are completely responsible for your own support, the things you ‘own' are not really yours."

Children this age still need their parents for a lot of things. Make things very inconvenient for this child. When he asks for transportation to the mall, for example, you say something like this. "How sad. You know, I would love to do things for you when I feel respected. The language you used last Saturday really hassled my ears."

3. When the child talks inappropriately, curses, etc., the parent calmly says, "I will be happy to listen to you when I feel that your tone is respectful." The parent then turns and leaves the room. If the child follows, the parent simply repeats the same thing over and over.

4. Expect that a child this much out of control may leave the home and go to live with friends. Tell him that he is welcome at the family home any time that he is pleasant to be around.

This is a brief run-down of what has worked for many parents. A good resource is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic , by Cline and Fay. The new edition is available at www.loveandlogic.com and through many booksellers. Also, Dr. Laura Schlessinger often has helpful hints for parents who face these problems, if her radio program is available in your area. Her approach is rather direct, so all people may not agree with it.

Good luck.

Carol
Salt Lake City

Thanks for a thoughtful letter, Carol. I received a letter from a member in Texas who has implemented a version of what you describe in your second point, and it seems to be helping with her. Desperate situations sometimes call for desperate measures.

Here is another advocate of Tough Love:

This is a complex problem that cannot be fixed in a few sentences or a few days.  But it can be fixed with a good plan and good support from your spouse and other parents who suffer the same problem.  Please, immediately find a local chapter of "Tough Love" and begin attending.  Those are the kinds of problems they deal with and help each other with.  And if there is no local chapter, at least read the book!

One thing is for sure, as long as he gets away with using insulting language without an equally painful consequence (not necessarily punishment) he is going to continue doing it, and get worse.  And yes, he will persuade the younger children to do the same.  Family counseling will help you too, if you can afford it, or if the Church can help you afford it. 

Basically, you have to choose consequences that matter to him , and which you are physically able to carry out.  It helps to have other parents or peers who know what you are doing and will cheer you on when you feel weak.  They may even physically help you if you can't do it yourself.  First you must calmly tell him what the consequences will be each time he breaks the family rule, and that the consequences will become stronger if he cannot learn within a few episodes. Then carry it out, come hell or high water!  Forever! 

But it must be balanced with love.  Catch him doing something kind, or at least decent, and reward him for it with smiles, kind words, hot cookies, ice cream, or a free ride to a friend's house.  Tell him you love him every day (without sarcasm).

In either case, consistency of consequence is the most vitally important aspect.  How many families I have seen who declare consequences, and then don't have the energy to carry them out forever !  The kids just get worse and worse because they know they can outlast their parents.  Some parents claim they don't want to give really tough consequences because they would rather relate in love than in harshness, emnity, or fear.  Well, true love considers the outcome for the loved one (learning appropriate social relations for your son) more than the outcome for you (feeling like a mean, despised parent).  My kids swore undying hatred for some of my tough consequences in their teens.  They don't actually thank me now, but they admit that I had to do it, and that they could not have learned what they did if I had not been so consistently tough on their negative choices.

LN Davis,
Michigan & Utah

Thanks for the reminder about consistency, LN — and also your mentioning of Tough Love. We used to home teach a family who started off using Tough Love. The results were absolutely terrific and the parents were on their way to succeeding, right up until they decided that Tough Love was too “mean” and too much trouble to implement. They gave it up, and those children are a mess today. Not one of them is a functioning member of society — to say nothing of being an active member of the Church.

I haven't "conquered this problem," but I dealt with it often as a family therapist.

I would strongly recommend therapy.  In fact, I'm surprised it wasn't a condition of probation for this young man.  He's obviously very angry about something that may or not have anything to do with his parents.  If he won't go with them, the parents could go together to explore if there is something in their parenting which contributes to the problem. 

Somehow these parents need to take back control of their son, and work as a united front to set boundaries with him before he gets in more trouble. 

I wish them the best, but prayers and wishes won't be enough to solve their problem.

Laura Lee Edwards
Canandaigua NY

Thanks for writing, Laura. I liked your point that a teen's anger “may or may not have anything to do with his parents.”

I have a sister who has singlehandedly turned her two daughters into twitching wrecks, due to the most appalling parenting I have ever seen. But far more often, teens are rebellious for reasons that are not nearly so obvious. When a child goes astray, every possible cause for the waywardness should be investigated — from the personality the child was born with, to parenting skills (or, as in my sister's case, the lack of), all the way to what the child has been eating or even breathing. This process of elimination could take a long time. It could involve professionals, and it should certainly involve prayer.

Here's a letter that revolves around the possibility that a teen could be rebelling because he wants to control his world:

Your son is trying to establish a disordered family life that revolves around him. He claims that:

This is a very disordered and unhappy family life that he is trying to impose upon you. How do you set your house in order regarding him? My suggestion is to tell the truth that he is not willing to tell, as kindly, gently, and confidently as you can. In so doing you quietly reassert and eventually reestablish with him the truth he is trying to deny. (And be prepared to repeat it many many times on many occasions, kindly, gently, and confidently.)

For example:

These are some examples of truth you can tell — and don't forget the impact on you and your reputation in your home. You need to reassert the truth about yourself that your son is not willing to tell. Practice beforehand by asking your husband (or anyone who loves you) to hold your hands, look you right in the eyes, and have you repeat the following, with deep feeling, emphasizing the word "good". The truth about me is:

Add to the list as necessary — whatever is true about you that your son is trying to deny. This is very important, because you need your self-esteem to be intact, strong enough that he cannot tear it down, so repeat these truths to yourself until they come from within.

This helps you have the strength to return good for evil, and kindness and integrity in the face of abuse. It may be days, weeks, months, or many years, however long it takes him to figure it out, but he will come to the point where he tells the truth about you: that you are a good mother, that you love him, that God loves him, that you have his welfare at heart, and all the other things that are true about you. It will happen for the Savior too: "Every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess ..."

One final point: studying the Scriptures regularly helps us speak in the language of the Scriptures, putting things the way the Lord phrases them, and you will find that the Spirit bears witness to what you say — that He carries your words into the hearts of others — more often when you say things the way the Lord does.

May the Lord bless you and strengthen you in this vitally important work.

Richard Q Kahler
Merrimack, NH

Throughout this topic, two things have struck me about the situation of rebellious teens. One is that there isn't just a single cause for the problem, and the other is that there isn't just one solution. Your ideas may be just what the doctor ordered in some situations, Richard. Thanks for writing.

Read on for the words of a father who is in the trenches:

I have a problem teenage daughter that my wife and I struggle with daily.  I don't know the answers because I think it is probably different in each case.  But I'll share some of what I have learned. 

First, you can't change them.  At best you can influence.  They have to choose to change.  But I can change myself.  The biggest stumbling block I have had has probably been my own pride.  I've had to learn to just let many of the rude and disrespectful things she does and say go. 

One thing my wife is trying to teach me is timing.  There is a better time (usually not in the heat of the moment) to address disobedience and disrespect.  A couple of things happen when you choose to respond to them.  They know they've found a button they can push any time to get to you, and you lower yourself to their level. 

A couple of things happen when you choose not to respond, and usually it take a while for them to realize some of this.  First, you show them that what they say or do does not affect you.  They can't push your buttons, and you also keep the situation at a higher level.  They can get down into the gutter with how they act, but you don't have to jump in there with them.  You may “lose” the immediate battle but in the long run you will win the long-term struggle to show your child the proper way to interact.  They will also respect you for it in the end, too.  I can see the slight changes in my daughter over time as we've tried to do this. 

We are big into consequences.  Often we want to respond immediately when they tell you no after asking them to get their chores done for the 10 th time.  We can get frustrated, indignant and take on an attitude of I'll show you who is in charge — a situation that usually leads to brinkmanship.  It's usually a lose-lose situation.  I have found and seen that it is much more effective to simply remind them that there are consequences.  If you don't get up and go to church, if you don't go to seminary, if you don't get your chores done, if you don't stop talking to me in that way — there will be consequences.  Then turn and walk away and make no threats.  The next time then when they come to you to borrow the car, want to go to a friend's house, go to the movies — remind them about what they did and the consequence of that action now is they will not have the privilege they are asking for.  It is always much more effective when done in a non-emotional way. 

The other half to this strategy is to look for the good they are doing.  Praise them, love them, encourage them.  These are subtle seeds you plant and as they grow so does the bond between you and them.  They usually don't realize what you're doing is building a healthy bond of love.  They don't realize what you're doing is tempering their attitude and how they treat you.  If there is nothing but anger, vengefulness and spite between you and your child from the daily situations that occur, then neither you nor they will ever be motivated to do anything more than to satisfy your pride and desire to show them who is in charge.

For parents with young children, I have no new advice here.  Just the same thing we've always heard —  turn the TV off.  All most all the programs I've seen on television these days subvert the role we as parents have in a fun, cutesy and demeaning way.  Parents are portrayed — particularly fathers — as nothing more at best than their children's friend.  These role models are incessantly drummed into their minds every day if you allow them to watch these programs.  Turn off the TV and read them a book or give them a book to read.

Bars of soap and Tabasco have been very effective deterrents in our home with the younger children. 

A Reader in Illinois

As someone who has eaten her fair share of soap, I can testify that the threat of soap is all some young children need to be convinced to toe the line. But your advice on not allowing your children to control your behavior, while hard to follow, is invaluable. Thanks for writing.

Here's a letter that advocates relying on a different source:

You are doing the right thing by putting yourself and husband on the prayer list.  Prayer is the best answer in my book.  I have struggled through stepchildren and my own children and life just doesn't get any easier.  I believe it will continue to get harder.  Just seek the solace of the Lord and realize if he can put up with his billions, we will live through our experiences.  I wish I had more wisdom to offer, but the Gospel is our refuge and hopefully we can find peace and answers to our problems.

May the Lord be with you and yours!

Connie Beach
Fallon Nevada

Thanks for writing, Connie. It always helps to be reminded to pray — and it's a sobering reminder to think of the Lord putting up with billions of wayward children, instead of one or two. As human beings, we have a long way to go!

To me it sounds like your son is beyond the normal teenager defiance syndrome, if you will.  Do you know if he experienced abuse of any kind when he was young?  Like from a trusted friend, neighbor or extended relative?

Granted, some teenagers are worse than others, I have three myself and one almost becoming a teen.  My one daughter put us through the wringer, and if it hadn't been for LDS Family Services and their counseling combined with some medication for her for a time, we wouldn't have had the peaceful outcome that we did.  We literally had to save our daughter from herself.   My husband and I did a lot of fasting and praying to know what to do. We attended the temple as often as we could and kept her name on the prayer roll.   The counseling was expensive, but it was so well worth "saving" our daughter.   It didn't happen overnight and sometimes it was so hard to be patient, but an amazing thing happens when you turn a burden over to the Lord.  You let Him be in charge of it.  He knows your son better than you do and He knows what will help him.  

A mom in Colorado    

Thanks, Mom. This is the first letter we've had that has brought up the possibility of abuse. Thanks for your insight — as well as the testimonial of counseling from good sources.

I have witnessed this as a major problem with a couple of my grandchildren as well.  It is so difficult to give love to someone that acts as though he doesn't want your love.  I think the truth of the matter is that they don't love themselves and so they don't feel worthy to accept your love.  They are guilty of their actions.  I do feel though that if there is a family member that they have a good relation with, such as grandma or grandpa, that it would be a good idea to write or call the teen and talk to them often and hopefully that will give them someone to vent with and tell of their desires and goals, if they have any.  If not, maybe the person could lead them in the right direction.  If they live in the same area it would be good to have them over to visit and eat cookies and talk.  If not letters and phone calls may help. 

We are still working on our situation, but I do know that the parents need to show respect to the teen where respect is due and then the teen may get the idea that they could show a little respect to the parent as well.  We had an angry teenager many years ago (a different generation), and he has turned out to be quite a nice adult.  I think the major word here is to LOVE the teen no matter what and let them know you don't approve of the act, but you do love the child.

A reader in Idaho

What an excellent idea, Idaho, to involve the grandparents or some other adult whom the child respects. A unbiased listening ear (combined with cookies and milk!) may be all that some teens need. Thanks for the suggestion, and read on for another tip that could help:

My heart and prayers go out to you.  Nothing pulls on our heartstrings more than an errant child.  I have faced a similar problem with my 15-year-old. 

Shortly after Christmas I started reading How to Win Friends and Influence People ., which I do about every two years.  It seems I need a reminder on how to act, since I revert back to old behavior quite easily.  The first chapter is “Not Being Critical.” 

We had a recent FHE on the virtue of LOVE.  I challenged my family to be more loving to each other.  For myself, I decided I would not criticize anyone.  The next day, my son made a critical remark to me.  I did not respond.  By the second day, I started seeing a change.  Not only was my son not critical, but he stated that he was feeling pretty good about himself.  I also realized that being a teenager in a public high school can be a terrible place for a kid that is less than popular. I showed compassion when he talked to me about the "jerks" in school. 

I used to lecture him on how to be a better kid so others wouldn't be unkind to him.  Needless to say, I was tuned out most of the time. I also have spent many hours pleading with my Father in Heaven to guide me as to doing the right things for my son. I smile at him more; I look for things to praise.  I try to serve him more. When he throws darts at me, I do not respond in any way but tenderly.  Pretty soon, his tune changes, I believe, because I have not just reacted to him. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that our Father in Heaven understands the broken heart of a mother.  I believe He will do all within His power to assist us.

DS

Thanks for your letter, DS. The book you suggested is excellent. I also like the way you underscored that you have to reread it every couple of years because you slide back into old habits. Don't we all? That's why we're exhorted to read the scriptures over and over again.

If you find a book that works for you, don't just read it once. Do as DS does and read it again, whenever you find yourself backsliding. I do this with books, and with priesthood blessings. Just like cars, we all need tune-ups now and then.

Having raised six, only one of whom is active at present, and having seen one through heroin and assorted lawbreaking to support it, and the multiple incarcerations it brought him, I've heard a bit of language myself. I also teach other people's teenagers. My "baby" is in a very good band, but I won't go to their gigs because I won't listen to the language he uses. And I'll put down the phone when it's used on me. But he also knows I love him and I think he's a great musician.

Your son is a kid who's holding all the aces right now, and he probably needs, more than anything, to know that his parents are actually OK, bigger than he is, more grown up, less vulnerable, and that he can't wreak havoc with them anymore. You don't have to retaliate, just refuse to join in the combat. Walk out of the room, out of the house, turn up the CD player loud, because you are not required by anybody's law to put up with that kind of abuse. Abuse takes a victim to succeed, and you can simply refuse to be victimised. Not easy, but if you can stoke yourselves up to believing that you really are good, fine, OK people, not being treated the way you secretly worry you might deserve, you can stand up to it.

My own worst offender has backed me up against the wall and ordered me to stop blaming myself for the way he'd chosen to live, the decisions are his decisions, I raised him right, and he won't have me taking the blame (or, I have to add, since he's turned himself around, the credit). You as parents almost certainly have done the best you could, and probably are doing the best you can right now. And you deserve a bit of credit for it, from yourselves at least.

Protection of younger children is a big responsibility, but even little children can be reasoned with, and can be brought into active participation in the "clean" side of this conflict. They can tell him they won't take it either. They can know that it isn't OK to talk like that. They're going to hear the language somewhere anyway; we just can't let them be crumpled by it. They need to be pretty tough too. Keeping our kids from any experience of nasty life is a bit like failing to get them immunized against smallpox.

But this is a pretty angry kid too, who's getting something out of slashing his parents like that. His anger is worth acknowledging as real too, but dealing with it can't be done out of your own anger. You just have to be more magnanimous than that. And maybe you aren't the ones who can help this lad deal with it, or maybe he just isn't ready himself.

No easy solutions, but the parents cannot take the blame, or be the ones who bleed over this. You have got to be stronger than an angry kid. Not physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Mom, you're worth the hug, and so is Dad. So are the sisters. And, quietly, and in a secret moment, so probably is the angry lad.

But the last shot is that my youngest son's language, which will make anybody's hair curl, has also been the vehicle for finally getting another family member's attention when that person was in complete denial about what a hash that person was making of their life. Take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and see a daughter of God. You can do this.

Just a sister in another country.  

Thanks for writing, Just. I liked what you said about refusing to be a victim — and also about acknowledging the anger of the person who is causing the trouble.

I hope I can contribute something that may be of some value. I used to be a family services specialist, helping families with out of control teenagers regain a sense of control with their families. This is really a tough situation, and my deepest empathies are with you.

What your son says to you, and how he behaves in general, is probably a reflection of all the pain he is going through. As difficult as it is, and it is definitely easier said than done, try and move away from focusing on the pain he is causing you, and towards the pain he is feeling himself. The Atonement can really help with this. That will help you learn to respond differently both internally, and also help you respond differently to him.

Next, flood your relationship with him with positives. Look for every opportunity to show or express love in the ways your son may/prefers to accept love, to praise, encourage, thank, etc. This doesn't mean you overlook or ignore his verbally abuse to you — you can firmly state your expectations and what is appropriate for him to call you — but try not to dwell on it. Every time he explodes on you, or is just abusive in general, make a goal to find four or five positive things to say to him, or do for him. Make sure you are genuine and sincere, or it will really backfire.

There are so many approaches to acting out — these are two principles that I believe can serve as a great framework for you.

Kristen Ridge

What a great point, Kristen, to focus on the pain he is in rather than the pain he is causing you. That's something that is easier said and done, but it could have a positive effect on the situation.

Though our situation was different, we dealt with a child who was rebellious, angry, confused, hostile and disrespectful.  At a time when I was at the end of my rope with no hope for a change, but with a home filled with the fallout from all of these emotions, I began to question if I even loved my child anymore.  Of course, I did, but couldn't figure out how to proceed.  We had been to family counseling that just seemed to make matters a lot worse. 

Then at a BYU education week class I heard something that touched my spirit.  And I began the change.  I followed the suggestion of this speaker to look at my child asleep and remember how much I loved her and then tell her so when she was asleep and couldn't refute or fight back. 

Then I began following the Spirit more completely to find ways to tell her I loved her.  I left notes every night on her bedroom door that just said I loved her and hoped she had had a good day.  She would find these and take them down at 4 or 5 am when she finally came home.  (A few years later I learned that she had saved every one.)  As I did this months on end, my anger began to dissipate and as I mellowed, so did she.  It was a long hard road and even though things are far from perfect, we have a better relationship, she has changed dramatically and I have learned so much in the process.  Good Luck.                                          

A reader from Utah

Jake was 12 years old when his father left us on Christmas Eve for another woman. He was devastated, and angry. He began drinking shortly thereafter without my knowledge. By age 14 he was an alcoholic, smoking and getting into trouble with the law. By age 16 he was failing most of his school classes, as he rarely attended. By 17 he'd had several run-ins with the law, and by age 18 was arrested for a DUI after consuming an entire case of beer, and taking a sharp curve at 80 mph, totally his car, walking home and going to bed. I was awakened by the police at 3 a.m., looking for him.

Something had to change. We put him in a rehab only to have him walk away 28 days later. We put him in the psych ward of a hospital and he shortly thereafter relapsed and was out. We were losing hope that he would ever be the man his patriarchal blessing described him as.

When he turned age 19, I experienced a paradigm shift. I was reading in the Book of Mormon about Alma and the sons of Mosiah, also rebellious sons who treated their parents badly. And when I got to the part about an angel coming to Alma and his friends because of the "prayers of a righteous parent,” I thought, I know Heavenly Father doesn't love Alma and his son any more than he loves me or my son. If I do the things Alma did, my son can experience a miracle too.

So I began what turned out to be more than a year of intense prayer, praying the prayer of Alma's father. I prayed for his safety and protection. I prayed for his heart to be broken for his own sake; that he'd be humble and return to the training of his youth. I prayed to be able to be in constant tune with the Spirit so that on those rare occasions when his heart was humble and open I would know what to do and say. I kept myself worthy of the companionship of the spirit so that I could be an instrument in the Lord's hands for my own son's salvation.

One day I felt inspired to pin his patriarchal blessing to his bedroom door on a night he hadn't returned home on time. I also felt prompted to make sure his scriptures were always next to his bed. I quit enabling his behavior. I told him I would make sure he had a bed and food and that was it. The rest he would have to earn. If he needed a ride somewhere, he would have to treat me respectfully and go when I was already planning to go. If he got into trouble, I did not rescue him from those consequences but let him suffer through them hoping for a humbling of his proud attitude. And I often expressed my love for him — with words, with notes, with small meaningful gifts. If he yelled at me inappropriately, I told him quietly that no matter what he did or said, i loved him. If he became ungovernable under my roof, I made him leave — notifying the bishop so that someone with stewardship could help me with those situations.

Gradually I noticed the times his heart was open increased. There were times when he was sober and questioning that the Lord gave me words I did not have that struck his heart. Then he'd go back to his destructive behaviors, but for the one brief moment the spirit touched him and he remembered that. Part of his anger was masking the fear that he did not feel worthy of the Lord's help. It helped me to learn that anger is a secondary emotion, and in his case fear was the primary emotion. When I looked at his angry face and saw the scared son of God, it was easier not to take personally.

Finally one day he made the decision to move away from my home and the bad influences of his local friends. He started affiliating with an LDS 12-step group and his life began to change. By the age of 22, he had been sober a year, and a bishop I will love forever found him worthy of a mission call. He left at the age of 23 to serve in Atlanta, Georgia, where his live experience was a huge boon to his missionary work.

We called him POPS, from God's Army , because he was the oldest missionary in the mission.

Here is what I know: Miracles can happen. Heavenly Father loves even the most wayward son or daughter AND their mortal, mistake-making parents. Everything happens for a reason, even disobedience. That in the end, it only matters what we offer. We aren't in charge of what is accepted, only what is given. That confrontation and contention solve nothing and that love is the most powerful force for change in the universe.

My prayers are with you.

Another Mother

What a great story, Another! Like Corianton in the Book of Mormon, your son took the lemon of his life and used it to learn lessons he would never otherwise have learned. Now he is benefiting others by his experience. Thanks for an inspirational letter!

One thing the parents could do starting today is to spend one on one time with that son. Spending one-on-one time with that son can work wonders if done on a consistent basis. The son, naturally, may resist any attempts by the parent to rebuild the relationship until the child feels that he can now trust the parent. This may take several weeks. It is essential that the parent not give up out of frustration.

The one-on-one time with each child is especially important for the younger siblings too. The parent spends time with each child doing what the child chooses — such as a playing a favorite game, going for a walk, looking at the clouds, reading a book together. It doesn't have to cost money. During this time together many things will occur. The parent will learn more about the child's interests and personality; teaching moments will take place that would not have happened otherwise; the parent will be able to see into the child's heart better; the Holy Ghost has additional opportunities to assist the parent in this child's life, and so on.

Many parents say they don't have the time to spend a few minutes day with each child. However, if they don't spend daily time, that parent will spend more time trying to rebuild a damaged relationship later on.

This disruptive child is a gift to the family to help the family get to a more positive and loving relationship. They all can learn from this situation to grow and develop better, positive relationship skills.

I have taught parenting classes for many years as a profession.

Suzy from Arizona

Suzy, you make a good point about spending one-on-one time with the child who is causing the trouble. The human reaction is to stay away from someone who is unpleasant, but that may be the last thing the rebellious child needs. Thanks for writing.

How I deal with my verbally abusive teenagers is:

Allow them to express themselves as long as possible if their words are fact-based, then tell them I appreciate their sharing their feelings with me, and tell them they can keep feeling that way, in their rooms (away from me). There is no punishment unless the words are truly abusive, and I do my best to keep my wits about me as the more they realize "they can upset me," the more control they have over me for next time.

Then, I pray for forgiveness and usually say, "Forgive them Father, for they know not how important I am to them and how important they are to me." I have to get centered with God before conversing with them again, or the negative emotions escalate. I also meditate and remind myself that I am a great parent doing the best I can with the background/personality I have, and that we are both learning.

Putting their names in the temple prayer rolls also helps, and is felt — although they may not admit it for 20+ years, as I have experienced.

Paula T
Provo, Utah

Good idea to allow emotions to be expressed, Paula — and an even better idea to put ground rules on expressing those emotions. I like the way you're pointing out that you're doing the best you can with the personality you have, and that this is a learning process. Isn't that the truth!

I face the same issue with some of my teenagers and, from talking with other parents, see that this is a significant issue with many families in the Church.  Let me share with you what I have found that, while it doesn't “solve” the problem, it does have a profound impact. 

San Antonio, Texas

Thanks for recommending The Soft-Spoken Parent, San Antonio. I've found that Wally Goddard is quite possibly the most insightful person about human relationships that I've ever met. His ideas can always help.