My wife and I have 12 children. The last five are adopted. One of our sons abuses his mom verbally like the child of the sister who wrote the question. He has written some very hurtful things about his mother on the walls of his room.

He wants to learn to drive so bad he can hardly stand it. We told him that when he removes the hurtful writings we will assist him in learning to drive. The ball is in his court. So far he has chosen not to get his learner's permit. We respect his choice not to drive.

I constantly have to remind myself that violence is not the answer. Sometimes it is very hard to like him. As I consider what I am supposed to learn from this adventure, I try to think of how Heavenly Father feels about me when I disappoint HIm. Maybe this will be the thing that, more than anything else, helps me to develop the “pure love of Christ” that I want to have.

A friend in Iowa

That's a great attitude, Iowa! There's always something we can learn from these situations, and you are wise to be looking for the lessons in all this.

Hang in there! We had two very rebellious and defiant children out of our four. We even had to send them to juvenile hall for some cooling off time after some physical altercations. But they do grow up! The issues that seemed so important to them at the time begin to recede, and they start seeing the adult side of things. Our daughter is now raising five children of her own (and asking for advice from me!), and our son in serving in the military in Iraq, and we are very proud of him. The Lord will sustain you, but remember that they're not teenagers forever (it only seems like it!)

Rita G. Miller
Ann Arbor, Michigan

That's a great reminder, Rita — that there is an end to this trial. What an inspiration to know that your rebellious daughter is now asking you for parenting advice!

We have to remember not to feel guilty or as failures when we love much and do the best that we can.  As long as we remember to love and follow the gospel principles of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ then we cannot fail.   Know that if not in this life then in the next our children will have the opportunity to find their way.  Never stop loving them, never stop praying for them, always remember to teach and reprove with love. 

I am not the perfect mother I have made many mistakes along the way. I didn't have very good role models. I was not brought up in the Church, either.  Life offers us many roads to follow.  We all have to find our own way on that road less traveled to find the way back to our Heavenly Father.  It isn't a free ride.  There are many bumps and pitfalls along the way.  However, as long as we know the boundaries we have and the consequences that are to follow for not following those boundaries it is easier to find our way. 

It's a great point that even our heavenly Parents lost a third of their children to rebellion, Christina. Freedom of choice always has to come into play, doesn't it? It hurts, though, to see children make choices that are terribly wrong — and it takes a lot of courage to step back and let them make those choices and then have to live with the consequences. Parenthood is not for the faint of heart.

From Pain to Peace — Help for Parents with Wayward Children (by Sharon Clonts & Janice Chalker) is essential for Christian parents with children who are not perfect and occasionally make bad choices. (And frankly that's all of us!) This book encourages growth, love, self-appreciation and acceptance. It give consolation to parents, who after parenting the best they could still had children who stray from the church and God.

Here are some important points:

An important principle of the gospel, free agency — the freedom to choose one's own path — is covered in detail in the book. All of us, including our children, have the freedom to choose to serve and obey God or to choose to follow the ways of the world. When our children are young, we teach them respect and obedience. As they mature, they will learn that with free agency comes consequences and responsibility.

From Pain to Peace encourages us to remember that in order to be able to lift and assist another, we must be on higher ground. We cannot allow ourselves to lose spirituality and hope by wallowing in guilt or self-pity. Again, it is our job to teach our children — it is their job to grasp it.

Reading From Pain to Peace will be an emotional experience that fills one with hope and understanding . I recommend it to anyone with children who are struggling to find themselves (and God).

I personally love this book. Anytime I feel frustrated I open it and read it again (when I can find it — others have borrowed it so often.)

And this is not easy. Hang in there. Someone had to volunteer to take the challenging children. God knew would stray but would never be totally lost because we would never give up hope.

Connie Eccles

Thanks for a great review, Connie. That book sounds like a real winner.

I have been reading your column on wayward teens and the reply regarding birth order really intrigued me.  I jokingly threaten to write a book on all the things not to do with a firstborn. 

I see my firstborn son (gender is also an issue to look at) as the child I have the most difficulty relating to and "reaching" on a deeper spiritual level now that he is a teenager. Looking back I see so many things we did as loving, naive, first-time parents that I would do so differently if I had a second chance with him. 

Being the firstborn, he naturally had all of my husband's and my adoring attention.  He came to expect this and it has always been a struggle for him to give this up.  We did way too much for him and inadvertently contributed to his lack of responsibility and disorganization.  We "saved" him from natural consequences that should have been teaching tools time and again without realizing the impact it would have on his future decision making skills.  We excused inappropriate behavior as "just being a boy" or “he'll grow out of it.” 

I do want to note that he is really not out of control or abusive but he definitely leaves me frustrated much of the time with his lack of concern for others (I call it the firstborn syndrome) and his self-centeredness.  I love him dearly and he has been the subject of much prayer and fasting on my part. 

I was wondering if other parents are experiencing similar problems with their firstborns and hoping that other parents might learn from our unintentional mistakes.  We have three more boys and they each bring joy and challenges as parents but we have learned with each one and hopefully our parenting skills have improved as we have become older and wiser. 

I was reflecting on the fact that Heavenly Father trusts us with his children and must know that even when we do our very best we sometimes fall short and that he is there to comfort and guide and believe in us as we try to comfort, guide and believe in our children. 

One thing I have learned with parenting is that it is so important to accept children for the people they are and not to try to mold them into the image we would like them to be.  That has been hard for me because I took each mistake our firstborn made as a personal sign of my failure to be the parent he needed.  Once I realized I was judging him by my preconceived notions of what a "good" son should act and be, it helped our relationship. 

We are still trying each day; some are better than others.  Fasting and prayer, scripture study starting when each child is very young so the pattern is established has also been a vital part of our family unity.  Thank you for your articles and allowing a place for people to help one another in this troubled age we live in.
 
Mom from Minnesota

Good letter, Mom! As a firstborn myself, you can imagine that it was particularly interesting to me. When I was a child I saw first-hand the mistakes my parents made when they were raising me. Once I became an adult, I marveled that they made so few of them.

We had a special fast, as a family, for one of our children this past Sunday.  While I was in Sunday school our teacher asked us when was the last time we bore testimony of the Savior.  The question struck me and I struggled to remember when I had.  After I got home the child I was fasting for called and I was able to bear that testimony to him that I had just pondered in my Sunday school class.  I was so grateful for what that teacher taught that day and for the question he asked.  I don't have all the answers my son is looking for but I do have a testimony of his Savior and His love for my son.  What a blessing that was.  And yes, I did call the teacher and thanked him.

Tammy Clemens

My daughter was going to counseling for about five months. I realize now that she was sexually active at that time, which is why she was depressed. My son and I started joint counseling last year; he didn't like it. We did finish counseling, however; then the courts took over. Now he is in individual therapy, which works better for him.  He is Oppositional Defiant, which isn't fun.

I've realized just recently that I would react strongly to them whenever they opposed me. I have finally learned not to do that — just state my case calmly , allow response, and then walk away — a far cry from what I would do before. I am not as stressed, because I realize they don't really listen to me anyway and there is no point in arguing about it. There are times when I get frustrated with the situation but then I realize it's their own bad choices that have brought them to this point and they have to deal with it.

Today while I was making dinner and trying to do too many things, my son was slamming around telling me that my house is a mess. I told him thank you for cleaning for me and that it is appreciated, but that if he was going to clean for me the least he could do was stop complaining about it. I suppose because I responded that way he was more inclined to tell me what was really bothering him.

As I had served dinner I decided I needed to pray aloud for him and I started to do so, and he called out "don't pray for me" as all I could do was finish what I started with a chuckle. Maybe it will make a difference.

As for my daughter, she just likes to argue. So I don't argue back with her. It works; usually she comes back and takes my suggestions anyway. I'm hoping she will make some good choices as time goes on, right now the baby will be home sometime this week (early delivery) and reality will set in. Thank you for this column.  I don't have all the answers, but some of your other readers gave really good suggestions. I appreciate them for that.

Anon

Thanks for reminding us of the value of humor, Anon. Your letter was appreciated.

I have a wonderful son.  When he was a newborn, I would look at his eyes and just feel how old his spirit was.  I was overwhelmed at his ancient wisdom and that he picked me to be his mother!  What if I messed up?  What if I didn't do it right?  His entire eternal future was in my hands and I was not ready !  Why did I think I could do this???  It wasn't like that at all with my first child! 

Anyway, as he grew, his smile could light up a room, but then his temper could make everyone in the entire building quake!  He determined the attitude in a household, in a schoolroom, or wherever he was.  When he was just 6 or 7, I told him that he was just emotionally powerful.  I cautioned him and worked with him, and though he seemed to understand, he wasn't able to change his actions.  He would constantly lose his temper and think people were out to hurt him on purpose, so he would try to hurt them first! 
 
He is now 11 years old, and has been diagnosed with not only ADHD, but we also have him on medications that help him control his temper. His doctor explained to me that sometimes the brain chemicals that go out of control when we "see red" sometimes seize up, just like epilepsy — so the same kind of medication helps both kind of "seizures" in children. 

Also, this wonderful, thoughtful and so very smart son is probably either bipolar or schizophrenic — something that he will live with the rest of his life (as well as the ADHD — no, people do not outgrow that, they learn to deal).  I don't know where he will go, but I am so glad that I prayed and listened to the spirit and was not afraid to go to doctors and therapists. 

I can only say watch for the signs and talk to our Father in Heaven to know what is right for your children.  They are, and always will be, His children first.
 
A Mother

Thanks, A Mother. I appreciated reading that you were given the insight ahead of time to know what a powerful spirit you had been given. I would imagine that helps when you're going through the rough times. You were given a great spiritual gift.

Read on for two more letters about medical issues.

I helped to raise my nephews, and raised one son.  All three were Attention Deficient Hyperactive Disordered.  Two of them reacted to the dyes and flavors in foods — even the natural ones!  My two nephews also have Tourette's disorder, which comes with a whole range of other problems to boot.  All three were abused.  I did not remember my own abuse until I was 41.  By that time, my son had been exposed to all my abusers.  My sister was a cocaine and heroin addict, and sold her kids for her drugs, and allowed others to inject the kids as well.  By the time I got them, at ages 21 months and 3 years old, they had a long history of being abused that I did not know of till later.
 
There are so many reasons why children act out, and not all of them are directly our fault.  There are also many sick individuals in the world who act out toward children.  We do the best we can, with the knowledge we have and can glean from others.  We pray.  And above all, we hope.  Never give up hope for the future.  Growing up takes time.  Also, never forget to say you are sorry if you have punished a child wrongly.  This teaches them how to handle mistakes they make, and keeps you being a fair (just) parent.
 
from Utah

What a story you have, Utah! Thanks for pointing out several other ways that children can be influenced to make wrong decisions in their lives.

The letter that struck a nerve with me was about food issues.  My children are wonderful kids, unless they get sugar or other foods they are intolerant to.  Now that we live in Santa Monica, California, where everyone seems to be on some diet or other it is not so bad, but most places I have lived have been a nightmare.  Sugar eating is so much a part of church culture that when I told people not to give my kids sugar, they would ignore me or get upset.  I offered to bring the snacks or treats to everything, but I would get turned down, then the kids would get sugar.  Eventually I stopped attending church social functions for kids.
 
After years of struggles I decided there must be something wrong with me and I started to just eat whatever.  This precipitated a serious illness and now I am back to my old hard-core self.
 
A friend of mine has been having the same problem.  I went to visit her and the first day her kids had been visiting family and were a bunch of melting-down monsters.  They are four children ranging in age from 8 down to 1.  The following day they were sugar-free and totally peaceful.  The house was calm again.  My friend has had constant struggles in Primary trying to get the leaders to stop feeding her kids sugar, but to no avail.
 
In another place I lived I had a friend who was investigating and stopped attending church because they fed the nursery kids mini-marshmallows and her son would be a total mess when she got him back.
 
The Primary manual addresses this problem and asks people not to give out treats in Primary, but it is so ingrained that it is hard to stop.  I have been told more than once that my kids would be fine if they got sugar all the time.  Would they say that to a diabetic?
 
Where I live now every nursery parent is asked ahead of time about any food issues and they are very aware.  We have one sister with Celiac disease and people are sensitive to that too.  What we consume is such a personal parental decision that parents need to be respected.  Manuals need to be followed.
 
My kids are old enough now that I just let them choose what they eat.  I can always tell when my 13-year-old daughter has eaten sugar because she becomes a monster.  Through her own experience most of the time she is really good about it and my boys are both very careful about what they eat.  Younger kids just do not have that level of reasoning and should not be tempted.
 
Two of mine are going to EFY this summer.  I am going to pack them lots of wholesome food and hope for the best.  If any parents out there have any tips on how to avoid sugar I would love to hear them. At home it is easy, but at camp it is tough. 
 
I think the hardest part is that my kids don't show obvious symptoms and they are delayed by a half hour or more.   The people who feed my kids things don't believe me because they don't see the meltdown or they don't make the connection.  For my daughter it means mood swings, depression, headaches and stomachaches.  My oldest breaks out with zits and his sinuses go nuts.  When he was little he would pitch fits.  My littlest just breaks our in rashes.  With an anaphylactic reaction everyone can see it so they believe in the problem, with more minor or less obvious reactions it is different.
 
Thanks for doing this column, I learn so much.
 
Liz deForest

Thank you so much for writing, Liz. We human beings are prone to tunnel vision. If something affects us (or even if something doesn't affect us), we tend to naively assume that everyone else has the same experience. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Readers, if you are in a leadership position and a parent tells you her children shouldn't be exposed to such-and-such, please don't write it off as paranoia. We are well aware that some parents are over-protective, but the chances are greater that if the mother goes to the trouble to warn you about something related to her child, there's a good reason behind the warning. You may not see the results of an innocent handful of mini-marshmallows, but that doesn't mean a meltdown isn't going to happen.

Here is another letter that talks about how sugar can cause behavioral symptoms:

I am writing to add my two cents to the previous letters.  Being now in my fifties, looking back I can see with almost perfect vision how truly ill both of my parents were and how my ex-husband was, and how my children (and now grandchildren) are, because of chronic, ongoing, generationally spread fungal infections taking their toll on our health and well being.

This somewhat harmless yeast, once it goes fungal form, becomes our worst nightmare in spreading its insidious poison throughout our guts, blood and brains and is spread in utero to each succeeding generation. The amount of pain, illness, (physical and mental/emotional) is staggering. The worst drug on the planet to feed this yeast is sugar.

A good place to start is the following website, which is dramatically helping us in our own quest to be self-reliant and accountable for our own choices. Go to www.bodyecologydiet.com .   We have been empowered like never before to help ourselves up and out of this fog and gloom of ill health. The Lord is bringing truth to the earth in many places that can work together for our common good if we can recognize it when it is shown to us. 

In my patriarchal blessing I was admonished to study the laws of health, which I have done dutifully for more than 30 years. This website will launch one into a much higher level of well being, ncreased healing and wellness faster and easier than anything else I have ever studied or experienced. May it bless you all as it is blessing us!

from a wife/mother/grandmother and lay-nutritionist who has no financial ties to this info or anything to gain other than to share simple truths that helps us all  to set ourselves free (with the assistance of the Lord) from the beautiful state of Colorado with love

Thanks, Colorado. As someone who gets physically ill after eating baked goods (but who continues to eat them occasionally anyway), I have bookmarked the site.

Our final letter today is one from a father that underscores the value of spiritual attunement:
 
We have nine children.  Some were a handful and others were wiser, thanks in no small way to the errant behaviors of older siblings and their opportunity to observe consequences first-hand.  Four have completed successful missions, all but two are endowed, and two have eternal mates (five unmarried, one divorced).  The one remaining is married to an inactive member who considers himself to be Catholic.

Two of them posed unusual problems.  When our first son was an infant, I had an experience that has since proven the reality of revelation. When blessing him as an infant, when I got to the point in the blessing where one normally addresses the question of missons and marriage, the Lord placed in my mind in an instant: "Stop.  Don't go there.  You are going to have difficulty with this child.  Your responsibility is to teach him.  What he does with it is entirely up to him."  (It is amazing how much the Lord can tell you instantaneously!)

Years later, when my son was on the streets, using drugs, running with some really bad characters (one was sentenced to seven years in the Missouri State Prison after being rounded up by 30 state troopers — he had been using the sawed-off shotgun they found in his possession and my son would have been with him had he known the guy and his buddy were leaving the state), I was stewing about the problems we had been having with him when the Lord again came into my mind and told me: "I told you a long time ago that you were going to have trouble with him.  You have taught him [although I am well aware of how imperfectly we did it], and he will have to find his way through life.  Remember, though, that Lehi had Laman and Lemuel, and [your son] isn't anywhere near being as bad as they. So take heart and continue on."

My son married a woman I told him to stay away from and ended up with two daughters that we took into our legal custody to protect them from her a few years after their divorce.  We were public enemy #1 to their mother, their dad, and to the children, because they were convinced that if they could live with mom, their troubles would be over (mom was married to a convicted sex offender which is why we fought and won the custody battle).   Now the older sister is nearing legal adulthood and fully active in church (little sister is improving, gradually).  Recently she told me, "I used to think you were being horribly mean to us for taking us away from our parents.  Now I feel greatly blessed because of what you did." 

A year or so living with mom gave her a good up-close view of what kind of troubles her mother had.  But forgiveness and understanding is critical.  Her mother was adopted by a step-grandfather and molested for most of 10 years with no intervention by anyone. People wonder why I am adamantly in favor of the death penalty for the inhuman scum that preys on little children.  The resulting wreckage of lives demands the wrath of an angered God, and it will come, even if after death.

Our second problem child was a younger brother.  Reclusive, rebellious, difficult to manage, we thought it was typical teenage behavior of the kind we experienced with our oldest three.  But no!  When we discovered he was planning suicide by wood, gasoline, and fire that he had prepared for a pyre, we started to seek help.  Our oldest daughter was not so patient.  She demanded and arranged for the head of the family studies department of a large university to interview him during a 10-minute break the next day.  Within five minutes he (an active church member) tersely instructed that our son must be taken immediately to the psychiatric ward to be evaluated by a top-notch biological psychiatrist who had different values and beliefs but who was highly competent.  We did.  He was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Many years later, our oldest son attended a Young Women in Excellence presentation, the first time he had attended an actual church meeting in over 20 years!  He is still inactive, but he has made great strides. With assistance from the criminal justice system, he is now sober and as far as we know drug free. He is making great progress!  He was forced into Alcoholics Anonymous, and in a few short weeks, years of negative attitude suddenly changed to responsibility for his own problems!

Our other son, after battling the disabilities of schizophrenia, is now employed part-time by a member of our ward, and he recently got his endowment.  His bishop speaks very highly of him as he does of another son who was a very serious alcoholic only a few years ago.

The battle still rages, but we see reason for optimism.  Our children are all good, productive adults.  All but two fully active in church. Two-thirds of those currently married have temple blessings, and two
are dating active church members.  Our other alcoholic son is now endowed, has become an amazing man, and is seriously dating a recent convert who had similar experiences.  She is thankful for his
companionship and they are the talk of their singles ward.

So when the battle gets thick, grit your teeth, and keep saying to yourself, "This too shall pass."  Remember the Lord is in charge and loves our children far more than our human imperfections can allow.
We do what we can, then we have to "Be still, and know that I am God."

Nobody said it would be easy, or fair.  Just remember that the Powers of the Universe cannot be given to anyone who has not been tried in the refiner's fires.  We are here to be tested, and those who look forward to Celestial rewards must be willing to walk through Celestial tests. Compared to others, our tests might be quite severe.  The Lord states clearly: "Where much is given, much is required [not "expected" as so frequently mis-quoted].  There is good reason why the word "endure" appears so frequently in the scriptures.  Just remember that many people fail by giving up when they are literally on the verge of great success, and that is the saddest of all lost battles.

In the Trenches

Thanks for an inspirational letter, Trenches. If your story can have a happy ending, there is hope for others in similar circumstances.

We still have more letters on this topic to post next week. Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions for future columns, send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com .   Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“Experience is not what happens to a man;