If you have sent a letter to Meridian about abusive teens and I haven't answered it, it's because I am buried under an avalanche of helpful emails. Meridian readers have much to say on this subject, and I haven't even read them all — much less, responded to them. They will be read. But I'm anticipating we still have a few weeks' worth of letters of the subject of wayward teens and how to deal with them.
It's amazing how I'll get a cluster of letters that all pertain to a similar facet of a subject. Most of today's letters point out that any child who has behavioral problems should have a medical exam. I'll let the readers tell you themselves. After all — they're the ones who have the experience.
But first, let's hear from a new reader. She writes:
I had never heard of your site until today when a friend sent me a link to it. It's not that I am happy others are having problems with their kids, but yet it was a relief to not feel so alone.
My son (the second of six children) has never been physically abusive, but there are plenty of other problems — pornography, language, atheism, anger management, refusing to accept any responsibility for any of his own problems, gambling, and the list goes on. We homeschooled all our children all the way through, went to church, taught them to pray, fasted for them, sent this one to a counselor (he refused to go back), monitored their friends and the television, and did everything we could think of.
The guilt can be overwhelming. My other children (good ones, all) say, "Mom, you guys raised us all the same. It isn't you. It's him." But we always think (don't we?), that "if only" I had done more, differently, better — he'd be more, different, better.
At the moment, we've reached an uneasy truce. He lives at home, has paid for every stick of furniture in his room, has a job, and we consider him a tenant. His stuff has to stay in his own room; it may not disturb any of the rest of the family. Hence, we hardly ever see him; he's either locked in his room or gone. He's an adult now, and the only real option we have — since nothing he is doing is actually illegal, just heartbreaking — is to refuse to let him live at home. We haven't quite reached the point where we say that. Some say they'd have kicked him out a year ago. Others applaud us for our patience. Whatever we do, some support and some criticize.
If even Alma the Younger could repent, so can all our children — if they wish. In the meantime, I will pray for yours as well as mine. Seeing our youth in trouble, any of our youth and not just my own, pulls my heart apart.
Thank you for your website. I'll definitely be back!
Name Withheld
Salt Lake Valley
Thanks for writing, Name! And thanks for mentioning Alma the Younger. He and Corianton hold a great place in my affections — Alma the Younger for showing that it's never too late to repent, and Corianton for illustrating so well that no matter how many lemons you produce, the Lord can make a great batch of lemonade. Parents of wayward children would do well to remember both examples.
My son might have been diagnosed as ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) if there had been such a thing at the time. As an adult we found out he began his addiction to pornography at 11 or 12 years of age by watching MTV when we weren't home. I believe many of his negative attitudes were the result of his guilt. I wish we had been more alert and tried to get him professional help sooner. As it is, it has been over 15 years and it has destroyed his life and broken our hearts.
A mother in Virginia
Good observation, Virginia — that a person's negative attitudes against others can be the result of his own self-loathing. You are not the only person who has reached this conclusion. Read on!
My children told me when they grew up a bit, that every ugly thing that came out of their mouth was an expression of how loathsome and loathed they found themselves. I thought how much easier it would have been had I known that at the time. What I did know is that I contributed to the disruption in my home by responding with disapproval or trying to teach in the middle of a meltdown, or, most times, doing anything at all.
I trained myself to say, "I don't like how you are talking to me and I'm not going to stick around while you do it." And then I walked away, and didn't do for that child anything I normally did for them until or unless they said they were sorry (there were some things I never did again).
I found that playing good music helped reduce the number and frequency of the outbursts, as did efforts to assure there were no drugs or alcohol in the house (this was a constant battle of having to search the house and yard regularly, and sometimes required having the kids sleep in a sleeping bag on the back porch when they were too impaired to come in safely. Many times they were not allowed into the home unless my husband was there so that the rest of us could be safe.
One thing that is useful is to get a really good set of earplugs and put hard locks on your other children's doors and your own. What this allows you to do is remove the audience by everyone retiring to a safe place until the rampage dies out. And you can talk in FHE about things people can do in the middle of a storm (which for many of your children is probably not too much worse than what they hear daily at school) to protect their spirits and their ears, and love the person who is causing so much drama.
Make sure this child gets far more attention for those things he does appropriately, than for his misbehavior. He knows already he's messing up.
And if you haven't checked for steroid use or abuse, and vitamin deficiencies and heavy metal blood contamination and Lyme's disease — make sure you rule them out.
I never saw any point in calling the police or probation officer — what they really needed was effective treatment and that doesn't happen in today's juvenile justice system: All the kids learned there was that no one else cared or followed through except their parents. If I were doing it again, I would ask for them to be committed involuntarily as a danger to themselves or others instead.
I was glad that I had had effective self-defense training — it made it easier to not over react when I knew that I could take them down if I had to.
Remember too that kids grow up and leave these behaviors behind, especially when their parents continue to love them and express that they can and will get through this. Unconditional love can be so tough, but it may be the first time a parent ever understands the love our Heavenly Father has for us. The lessons I learned in the fiery furnace have blessed my life.
Sun Belt Mom
Good points, Sun! I hadn't thought of steroid use or Lyme disease, and I'll bet many readers hadn't either. And it's great to have a reminder that eventually the kids will grow up and leave these behaviors behind. What a comfort that can be!
Read on for another scary medical possibility:
When he was approximately 15, my son became verbally abusive. He really did not have that problem when he was younger. In fact, he was very compliant.
After approximately two years, I realized that we needed professional help. I know you might not want to hear this because neither did I, but it turned out my son was suffering from schizophrenia. Please be aware that schizophrenia symptoms start around puberty. I'm not saying your son has this problem, but please seek medical advice to rule it out. I was a single mom, and I needed the help of other men to help me even get my son to the doctors. Good luck.
Wiser Now
That's a sobering letter, Wiser. Thanks for sending it. Read on for another medical problem that is more easily corrected:
I initially read the call for help while I was traveling and did not have access to my own e-mail account. Now that I'm home, I'm grateful to read the responses you published. As usual, the Saints have provided
much insight, wisdom, and compassion. I am concerned, however, that no one is looking at an aspect of life that just might explain the differences in those families with obedient and rebellious children:
food allergies.
Before anyone thinks I've gone off the deep end, let me say that Timothy Buie, MD, a pediatric gastroenterologist at Harvard, regularly recommends that families consider food allergies as potential triggers of unwanted behavior. For one example, I am personally acquainted with one family in which the preteen son had been so angry on a daily basis that he had punched numerous holes into their walls, terrorized his older (but smaller) sister, and was constantly in trouble at school.
His pediatrician retired; the new one tested him for allergies. Somehow, his milk allergy had been missed. The next day, after his mother removed milk from his diet, he reported that for the first time
in his memory, his head did not hurt. Now, he still had a lot of learned behavior that had to be addressed, but the severity of the anger was gone because it had been fueled by the headache.
I could give many other examples, but I think that the book, Is This Your Child? by Doris Rapp, MD, is a much better resource. I can testify that food allergies can be at the root of behavior difficulties from my own family's experiences, too. I would hope that those who struggle so with their children would be willing to give Dr. Buie's and Dr. Rapp's advice a try. There's not much to lose, especially when otherwise you're at your wits' end.
Grace MacDowell-Boyer
Auburn NY
Thanks for writing, Grace. I have a personal testimony of how quickly the human body can react to some foods. I once unintentionally ruined a nice lady's Relief Society lesson when she took out a freshly baked loaf of homemade bread to illustrate how good bread is for us, and I had such a severe reaction to the smell of the bread that people were throwing open the windows and the room was in chaos. Food allergies can certainly trigger bad behavior, and what is even worse is the fact that unless the foods cause the production of antihistamines in the body, the foods don't even show up on allergy tests.
If you have a child who is sometimes an angel and sometimes a monster, you may want to consider keeping a food journal to show what the child has been eating before he has an episode of monsterhood. If you find a pattern, you may be able to eliminate the food and the monsterhood without even a trip to the doctor.
The letter on coping with verbally abusive children really hit a nerve with me. I am very concerned about how disrepectful my LDS grandchildren are to their parents and other adult relatives in the family including me. I am at a loss at what to do. I have tried just about everything and I try to set a good example and to be positive, but nothing has worked so far. Help! I think many children are learning their rude behavior via the media.
A Sister in Distress
Your letter really touched a chord with me, Distress. There have been lots of studies that have shown that people do imitate what they see in the media, and even without the studies it's pretty easy to see that people are following what they see in the movies and on TV. In addition, I have wondered how much of our country's current woes have come about because people in other parts of the world see what's coming out of Hollywood and just assume all Americans are sexually promiscuous, take God's name in vain, kill each other, and cheat their fellow man. Hollywood is not doing Americans a service by portraying us this way.
Here's another writer with a psychological take on the problem:
I have one question for these poor parents. It has to do with a theory I am working on. This is the question:
What has been your usual form of discipline of this particular child, from toddlerhood to present.
And is this the oldest child?
I know this is strange, but I would like to know. I am not judging! Any parent that raises a child to adult hood without turning out a serial killer is a success !!!!
A reader in eastern Oregon
It never occurred to me that birth order might have something to do with this, Oregon. Readers?
My name is Ned and I'm not a sister, but I do have some experience with this problem.
Adults understand that life has natural consequences, good and bad. Youth, on the other hand, have not lived long enough to grasp the effects of their actions in the long run and only have a minimum knowledge of short term effects.
Life is not fair! Yeah, so what? Youth think life should be fair, at least in their eyes. Youth think life owes them. They are entitled to what they think is fair. Of course as adults we know better. Life is often hard, unfair and full of challenges without clear answers.
So what do we do? First, we need to explain the truth about life to them. Second, we should let them taste the consequences of their actions that they may know by their own experience the good from the evil. Third, we need to expect basic human respect from all members in our families, for without it life becomes little more than a symbolic prison.
Now that we know what to do how do we put it into practice? First thing to explore is medical/mental illness issues causing the behavior. If there are none, professional counseling may be needed to cool the situation and deal with family problems in a safe environment.
Now let's suppose you have done all this and the behavior continues. What next? This is where it becomes a personal matter. How much abuse are you willing to live with? I'm reminded of the scripture in the Book of Morman. Alma 42:16-22. Repentance and remorse of conscience are required by the Lord to obtain mercy otherwise … justice calimeth the creature and executeth the law, and the law inflicteth the punishment…
Sometimes an adult and/or youth needs to become humble in order for the plan of mercy to take effect. Being compelled by circumstances or negative consequences into humility may be necessary. However, we are agents unto ourselves. It is my belief that the Lord will lead us and offer mercy but never make do anything. Life is about choice and time. Our duty as parents is to guide our children in this great adventure we call mortality in love and patience so they can learn to make their own choices.
Ned Scarisbrick
Boise, Idaho
You raised three points I wanted to bring up, Ned. First, you said, “Youth, on the other hand, have not lived long enough to grasp the effects of their actions in the long run and only have a minimum knowledge of short term effects.” That reminds me of something I read a couple of years ago — that it takes longer for the human brain to reach adulthood than we had previously supposed, and that human beings don't really have the capacity to fully make good choices until their late teenage years.
This is not to say teenagers don't know right from wrong. The scriptures tell us otherwise, and the scriptures trump any study of the week! But it might explain the propensity of some teenagers to think they're invulnerable when they get behind the wheel of a car or engage in sexual behavior with absolutely no thought that pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases could be the consequences of their actions.
Second, you mentioned the sense of entitlement that today's generation has. So many readers agree about this sense of entitlement that I think we'll make it the subject of a future column.
Third, you mentioned that the Lord will compel none of us to choose the right, and we each need to be responsible for our own actions. How true that is! All of us suffer from that to one degree or another, but it must be infinitely harder for a parent to see a child make life-altering choices and not have the power to stop them than it is for us to look back on our own bad choices and see how much better off we would have been if we had only chosen the right.
Read on for one last comment — at least for today!
I had a friend from church who had a very disrespectful teen son. This boy even cursed at his mother and told her he hated her. One day I was prompted to say a prayer out loud when he started in on his mother. I just quite simply said, "Dear Heavenly Father, we need you here right now to help us through a difficult time. In Jesus' name, amen." Everyone in the vehicle got quiet and the verbal assault stopped. They both calmed down and resumed normal interaction.
This worked more than once. That young man has gone on to become a very loving son to a mother he once said he hated.
Beverly Barnt Moore
Kerrville, Texas
