Thanks
Joni, for having the courage to address this problem. I've come
to the conclusion that if more parents would simply communicate
about it, it would be easier to stop. We tend to stick our heads
in the sand and get embarrassed, which helps no one. I
really appreciated the information shared by the mother; her
advice was right on! (My sons tell me that "Going to school
is an R-rated experience." I know they're referring to
the dress and actions of the young women who attend there.)
I
have done a lot of research on filters over the years.... (I'll
leave out the detailed explanation except to say I have six
sons)…There are two basic kinds of filters:
'Net
based (they are run
by your ISP and filter content before it arrives at your computer.
You have no control over what is filtered and sometimes you
must pay an extra fee for this service. Last time I checked,
AOL's strictest filter option filtered all church Internet sites.)
and home based (these are run on your home machine, they
filter the content as it loads into your browser window) In
this category, there are many options and controls available,
from simple tracking of Internet sites visited to blocking of
websites entirely. You can choose a program that allows you
to control sites that are blocked or not blocked. Some programs
require a monthly or yearly fee for "updates" and
some don't allow you to customize at all...what they say gets
filtered is what gets filtered, nothing else (and if it always
filters a site you allow, too bad).
And
before I go any further, let me just say that there
is absolutely no completely safe Internet filter. It doesn't
exist. Pornographers, after all, are children
of the Deceitful One. They purposely plan websites that will
bypass known filters and get to your computer. YOU are the best
filter there is! You owe it to your children to educate yourself
so you can inspect your temp files and cookies yourself and
see where your children have wandered. You also need to be present
when they are surfing. It's a requirement.
We
run two programs that assist us; a filtering program that also
disables access to registry files, certain control panel options and
a few other things (that means our kids can't add programs
or delete the trail of websites visited). The program we use
is customizable (we can control what is filtered or not), charges
no update fees while still updating lists of websites. It even
filters Pokemon websites if you want!
Learn
about different filters here
(We like ours best, it's called: CyberSitter)
We
also run a parental control program called ENUFF.
This is a time control program, but also disables access to
the clock (the kids can't change it), and if it is tampered
with, shuts the computer down. The options are variable: you
can allow computer access without allowing access to the Internet.
You can allow only certain programs to be accessed, or not.
Each child is given a password, and the parent enters allowed
times for the child to use the computer. The options are quite
flexible: right now we have ours set so our kids can only access
the Internet when we tell them their individual current password.
This allows them to access the rest of the computer functions
while I am not at home, and when I'm home, I can tell them the
password to use to access the 'net. They are allowed to use
the Internet for one hour. The program warns when the time is
nearly over and shuts down the desktop when the hour is up.
I'm not the bad guy; they learn to manage their time.
I
will never forget the day a son came home from school with a
list of URL's provided to him by a friend who had unlimited
access to the 'net (and his father's bookmarks!). I called the
school, and they promptly disavowed any responsibility or knowledge.
I asked them to please notify the teacher that the URL's were
being distributed by the boy and also asked the boy’s parents
to call me (the school would not give me their number). It's
interesting to note that the school never contacted any other
parents and even though we became aware of other children who
had been 'enlightened' by this child, their parents hadn't a
clue where the information had come from. Don't trust anyone
but yourself!! Thanks again, for your perseverance!
Kathleen
Hedgecock, Peoria, Arizona
Thank
you, Kathleen, for such a wealth of information. What
a shame that schools have thrown up their hands and left this
issue to the winds. Every parent must become an activist.
Here’s
another reader who did just that:
Your
articles on protecting children from the dangers of the Internet
are very important and I appreciate those who write with their
horror stories and their recognition of the importance of forgiving
those who have a problem, and those who have struggled through
the repentance process and have removed themselves from that
dark prison.
I
have worked with our organization since 1977 to educate about
the harms of pornography and by helping individuals fight to
keep this evil out of their homes and out of their communities.
Those who possess child pornography and who solicit children
for sex, in Montana, are charged under the law that we drew up and helped to pass
in our State legislature.
We
have seen the distribution of pornography go from the 8mm film
that could be ordered in racy magazines then move into so called
"adult" bookstores after the 1970 President’s Commission
on Pornography found that pornography was harmless and the more
it saturated our society the less harmless it would be because
it would cause a release of sexual pressure and would eventually
disappear. Of course not too many believed that lie as it was
rejected by the U.S. House and Senate almost unanimously.
Satan
was not satisfied with having it available in the stores. He
wanted it in the home surrounded by anonymity and secrecy.
The
ACLU and other groups have misled us to think that the latest
in blocking technology is ineffective, which is a blatant lie.
They have argued so in court to keep libraries from putting
blocking systems on the library computers.
It
is very shocking to me that most members of the LDS Church,
that I have had contact with, do not have blocking or other
safeguards on their computers. It is not uncommon for members
(and other Christians as well) to reply to the question of whether
they have blocking with a statement like, "No we don’t
use pornography so we don’t go into those sites and do not have
to worry about it." I have gotten calls from some of those
people later with statements like, "I didn’t think my son
(or husband) would go into those sites but I just found pornography
on the computer. What should I do?" Most shocking is the
fact that few of the Church Leaders I have worked with from
Stake Presidents to Bishops have blocking systems on their computers.
Why
would anyone even consider having an Internet connection without
protecting their homes and families from the filth that is so
readily available to anyone at the click of a button or even
if it is not sought out? Would anyone consider having a table
full of drugs in a room of the house to be there to tempt and
destroy in a weak moment? Why allow Satan an opportunity to
access the adults and children through a medium that has the
worst pornography ever produced in the history of the world,
sitting ready for accidental or purposeful access?
One
of the most common elements of sexual addictions and sexual
crimes is an early exposure to pornography. Counselors say that
if a child views certain images at an early age it will change
their lives forever and their chances of becoming addicted when
exposed later in their lives is so much greater. We, as spouses
and parents, have a duty to protect our children and spouses
and to teach our children how to protect THEIR children. I know
of parents who do not have the Internet in their home because
they don’t want to take the chance of their child being exposed.
That is not doing our duty as parents. What is going to happen
when they leave home? Go to College? Get an apartment?
Here
are some brief suggestions on how to protect your child and
how to protect yourself (and spouse) from the harms of the Internet.
Consider the minimal cost of these systems as part of the expense
of having the Internet.
1.
Chat rooms should be blocked. They are a waste of time and they
make your child available to molesters.
2.
We highly recommended that you use blocking systems
on your computer. Because of the enormous number of pornographic
sites being added to the Internet on a daily basis these are
not 100% effective but the best of them run around 97% effective
and will make it very unlikely that a child will be accidentally
exposed. Our research has found that some systems are very reliable
and some are not. It is important that if the blocking criteria
can be changed or stopped that the husband and wife SHARE the
password so they can jointly make the decisions and changes.
3.
DO NOT RELY SOLELY ON CHECKING THE HISTORY ON THE COMPUTER.
Second graders know how to change the history. We recommend
that you use the latest systems that report Internet
usage. These reports should be available on a daily basis and
they should be tamper proof. The reports can be
e-mailed to parents, spouses or an "accountability partner"
and are wonderful tools to hold everyone accountable for their
Internet use.
4.
Systems that "capture" the screen when certain
words are typed in are also very effective in accountability
and also in helping the administrator(s) of the system know
what time access was attempted and who attempted it. They also
can be set up to take a photo of the computer screen at intervals
that you can regulate. If you have an Internet Service Provider
that blocks pornography then you need to also have a reporting
system and a capturing system. We suggest that the children
know that there is a capturing system on the computer and tell
them that anything they do on the computer is recorded. If they
receive explicit e-mails through hotmail or other e-mail systems
or if they send explicit e-mails you will know about it whether
you are looking over their shoulder or not. It has been my experience,
working with addicts, that they many times will view the pornographic
sites while the wife or children are in the same room.
5.
It is recommended that "white lists" be created for
young children (younger than 13) so that they only view sites
that have been pre-approved by a parent.
6.
Some say, "Yes I can protect my own computer and family
but if my child goes to a friends home they can be exposed there."
Many children are exposed to Internet pornography at a friends
home, at school or at the library. One criteria that we suggest
you use in determining what home to allow your child to visit
is to talk with the parents and find out if they have the Internet
and if they have a blocking system. If they do not have blocking
and other safeguards it would be wise not to allow your child
to visit that home. If your school has no blocking system then
demand that they acquire it. Many libraries do not have blocking
and thus have become "hazardous work areas" for the
librarians according to the EEOC in a Minneapolis case. Please do not assume that libraries are safe
places for children.
Having
an unblocked and unprotected computer is negligent and schools
realize that as parents in lieu. If they have unblocked computers
and a child is exposed to explicit obscene materials we recommend
and request parents to sue the schools, if necessary, so that
schools will do what they are supposed to do and that is to
protect children. If they were to have a class on shotguns and
only had a written use policy as SAFE, as the ACLU suggests,
and someone pulled the trigger they could be sued for negligence
and they know it. The same applies if they have unblocked computers.
Once children have seen the image the damage is done! Schools
should have systems that block, report and capture and identify
students and teachers who are looking for or at such material.
7.
Teach children "why" pornography is harmful. Do not
reserve this talk to the spiritual realm but also speak to them
about the effect on the mind and the body. Help them understand
the difference between healthy sexuality and pornography. It
is very important that this talk be age appropriate.
8.
Role play with young children about what to do if they encounter
pornography on the Internet. Teach them to "Crash and Tell."
That means that if a porn site accidentally comes on the screen
they should turn off the monitor or computer. They then need
to go tell someone they trust depending on where they are. It
is important that they NOT hit the "back" button because
many of these sites have "looping" and it may take
ten minutes or more to get out of the site and they will be
exposed to many more perverted images.
9.
It is very important that parents do not over react if their
child comes to them to report being exposed to this material.
A bad response will frighten them and they may never come to
the parent in the future. They need to be complemented for telling
you about what they saw and the feelings they had when they
saw it. (Consider the need for counseling).
10.
Realize that there are forces involved in the Internet that
desire to expose your children. Misspelled Disney names are
used by some pornographers so that if a child is to search for
a Disney character and they misspell that name they will be
immediately directed to a pornographic site. They know if they
can create more "addicts" they will make more money
in the future.
11.
Know, and at appropriate ages, teach the effects and dangers
of Pornography as Dr. Victor Cline of the University of Utah and many other counselors have found in their research
and work:
Addiction. This addiction of the mind can be as powerful as any
drug, alcohol, or cigarette abdication of the body and needs
special treatment.
Escalation. Progressively courser material may be sought to satisfy
the addiction.
Desensitization. With continued exposure, what at first offends becomes
acceptable and then craved.
Acting
out. The thought
is father to the deed. There is a great tendency to translate
thoughts into actions. Advertisers know this well.
Pornography
is as harmful to adults as it is to children. Most sexual offenders
are involved in and are likely addicted to pornography. Courts
recognize that sentences of sexual offenders most times require
the offender to stay away from computers, pornography and to
avoid nude dancing parlors to prevent repeat offenses. Courts
and counselors fully recognize the connection between pornography
and sexual crimes and addictions.
The
First Presidency message for September 2004 by President Hinckley
is an extremely important message. It may be as important for
us as the call by President Brigham Young was when he stood
in conference and asked the brothers and sister to join in the
effort to rescue the handcart companies who were suffering so
in the Wilderness of Wyoming. The courage that those rescue
crews showed in saving their brothers and sisters was inspiring
and humbling. It may take equal courage for us to join in opposition
to evil as President Hinckley has asked us to do. Those who
would "shrink" from the responsibility of saving their
suffering brothers and sisters were no more worthy of Gospel
blessings than those of us who would "shrink" from
this heroic challenge by our Prophet. In fact, if we had heeded
his call to do the same back in General Conference of 1975 maybe
we would not be facing the present situation of being in a time
worse than
One
of the greatest books on the subject is currently out of print
but I understand a new edition is forth coming. It is written
by Mark Kastleman (a member of the Church) and is entitled The
Drug of the New Millennium - The Science of How Internet Pornography
Radically Alters the Human Brain and Body. I highly recommend
this book to parents, youth, and all Church Leaders and Counselors.
Sincerely, Dallas D. Erickson, Montana Help Our Moral Environment,
Inc., Missoula Montana
“The
only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men
to do nothing” - Edmond Burke.
Thank
you so much, Dallas. The tidal wave is real, and we cannot
turn our backs any longer. President Hinckley knows this and
we must take stringent action in what is actually a state of
emergency.
…
Buy software that can restrict all but sites you approve. Have
your kids give you a list of sites they would like to frequent,
and that will be their limit. Even Ebay should not be
an approved site without parental supervision because Ebay allows
the sale of porn movies.
Another
method similar to above is to get a router that does basically
the same thing. With this method, you would restrict a
whole computer to only your pre-approved sites, no matter who
signed on to it. You tell your router that such and such
computer can access only the list of approved sites. However,
make sure you password protect your other computers against
access from your children (and don’t give your kids the password
to the router either).
Either
of these methods demands a sacrifice of both money and time.
You may even need to pay a computer-savvy neighbor to help you
configure things, but our kids are worth it. --Good luck. Steve
Lemmon, North Ogden, UT
Last,
some advice for the reader whose life has been badly damaged
by her husband’s use of pornography:
Regarding
the anonymous letter in your article, it sounds like the sister
needs as much healing from the atonement as her husband needed
the healing from the addiction. I felt like she is still
bitter about her husband's addiction and still has not been
able to completely forgive her husband or his family. I'm
glad that she can see the good points in him, but she also can
be completely healed and feel the joy and trust she used to
have for her husband. The atonement also heals the victims
of abuse, as well as the abuser.
Read Jacob (3:1-2) and Alma 7:11-13.—Name withheld
Pam
Nielsen wrote in again, to recommend a non-traditional therapy
called body/energy work, to help release heavy emotions in the
process of healing. Many readers sympathized with this sister’s
predicament. If nothing else, please know you have sisters
all over the world who hurt for you, care for you, will pray
for you.
Thanks
to all who shared their wisdom this week. See you next Monday,
Joni
