Can you control your kids’ exposure to pornography?  Are there any computer filters that really work? We have some tools to recommend, plus more information on breaking this insidious snare.

First, several readers responded to last week’s first letter, from the young man whose curiosity began in fourth grade.  He had expressed doubts that he would ever deserve a righteous wife. Our first response is from a young woman who shared his same problem, but overcame it:

Joni, my heart broke as I read the first response on your column today. I had to write and tell that young man that he is wrong about two things. The first thing he's wrong about - that he will regret his choices for all of eternity. The power of the atonement is real!  Where there once was overwhelming regret and misery, there can be joy unimagined!  It states in 2 Nephi 1:15 'But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.' If you think hell is just someplace you go after you die, think again. If you feel anguish and regret over your choices, you're there right now. (see Hel 12:26) And the Lord has prepared a way for you to be saved from that misery and endless wo! You do not have the capacity to sin so badly, to sink so low, that the infinite power of the atonement is helpless to lift you back up! Read Alma 36. Here was a wretched sinner who was snatched from the pains of hell and filled with sweet joy.

… The promise in Ether 12:27 is real. If we humble ourselves before God, showing Him our weaknesses and begging for His power, He will take those weaknesses and make them strengths…. If you truly repent of your sins and they are wiped clean - if the blood on your garments becomes white as snow - and some righteous young woman feels like she's better than you because of your past, then SHE is sinning for failing to recognize the true power of the Atonement. – Name withheld

Another sister wrote:

My heart goes out to the young man in the first letter, who had been entangled in pornography and drugs.  He says there are such righteous girls in his seminary class but he knows he doesn't deserve anyone like that.  I'd like to write a few words to him if I may:  It is the adversary’s way to not only ensnare us in evil but then to whisper to us that 'we are not worthy -- of forgiveness, or love, or another chance, or a good life or the Celestial Kingdom, etc.  Those thoughts of unworthiness are not coming from Heavenly Father.  I'm sure you have already talked with the bishop, but please, pray and fast and go in and talk to him again, about the atonement of Christ and how it applies to you.

I see good things in your life, your attendance in seminary and also your desires towards righteousness, those are from our Heavenly Father.  There may be some people at church and in the world who think that your change is only temporary, but as the time grows longer between the evil you left behind and the righteous life, those arguments will come less often.

We live in very trying times, don't give up.  Have faith in Christ and don't forget to have faith in yourself too.  Your Heavenly Father loves you, and I have no doubt he is proud to have you as a son, and anxious for you to succeed. --- Diane Shashkin, Pahrump, Nevada

 Amen, Diane.  To every young man or woman who struggles with this demon, please don’t give up.  You have every chance of conquering this for good.  Don’t let Satan have a double victory by convincing you that you’re ruined forever.

Thank you so much for the article about pornography.  Without going into a huge, huger than you can think amount of details, it is sufficient to say that pornography has practically destroyed my joy in my marriage, my peace of mind, and the joy I used to have in the trust I used to have for my husband.

He told me and our bishop almost 4 years ago.  It was so devastating to me that I have never been the same person ever since.  Although I am blessed that he sought to take the steps to repentance on his own, and he always tells me he could not have done it without my help,  I still feel a lot of pain about it.  For one thing it has totally damaged the physical desire I had for him.  When I am inclined to feel physical attraction towards him, immediately I recall that for the longest time I wasn't the one in his mind when we were intimate, I recall that for months and months that he didn't even touch me he spent time enjoying other women either in magazines or computer, or otherwise in his mind.  It is very difficult for me to be intimate with him now, because of this.  He doesn't have the same attraction for me either, probably because his body was used to satisfy itself.

To top it all, I am a foreigner and my family don't live in the US, so I have no family here, except his family.  And I can't tell my family because they hold him in great regard and it is important that they don't think evil of him because he is the one who always tries to teach them the gospel and he is the only example they have of a member of the church.

And his family has a tendency to never listen to my concerns and to criticize me saying that I overreact over any thing, and to make a long story short, I know they probably wouldn't even believe me if I told them.  I didn't have any support at all during the first months and these years since this happened.  I once mentioned to his brother that he should make sure his daughter’s fiancé was not involved in porn, but I was totally ignored and received several comments from other family members that obviously his daughter’s fiancé has lived a clean life.  I thought his brother would have caught the idea and perhaps care to at least ask me why I was saying that, but he didn't. 

His family has not been supportive in many ways and very critical of me.  I could not tell anyone about what I was going through.  I could not tell my best friend.  She respects my husband and I want her to continue to visit me, and I know she would never visit me again, if she knew this.  I could not talk to any friend at church because I know no matter how much you ask, people just don't keep secrets and I wanted my children not to be ostracized because of their father's actions So, very sadly, I try not to allow that many children to visit us in our home as well.  I prefer meeting them somewhere or going somewhere, but not having them in my home----the world is small, so stuff like this could get out, and I don't want my husband blamed, in case something happens to any child. 

It has been a nightmare.  I have been tremendously misjudged by my husband family when I try to be protective of my children, especially by his mother, who, for 25 years didn’t notice her son was addicted to this filth, and now she wants to criticize me for being careful with my children, when she didn't see what was happening to her own child.  ---Anyway, this has caused tremendous depression for me, and the worst is the fact that I could not and cannot tell anyone.  Now that we moved, I can't even tell our bishop, as he doesn't know and has a lot of respect for my husband whom I know has repented and has changed.  My prayer is that he will always continue changed. 

 As for me, this stress has affected my health tremendously and has affected my happiness.  It was like joy being ripped off my heart, and although I try to feel joy again, it is very difficult.  It has affected the way I respond to my children--because I am always so sad and upset, I am also angry most of the time, and some times it is difficult for me to hide the anger from the children.  Our children are adopted and the only reason I stayed with my husband during that time, was because I didn't get my children from one nightmare to throw them into another.  I am very grateful I didn't do that. But my son, was only six months old at the time, and it really affected my bonding process with him, which has made it difficult to raise him, although I try very hard to fix that.  During that time I was fasting 4 times a week.  I know, that is a lot, but the situation was so horrid and critical and I wanted to save my marriage and my children and help my husband so much that it was worth the sacrifice. 

 And I am eternally grateful to Heavenly Father to have helped him and me during that time and even more grateful that He helped me to stay and to forgive.  My husband is the most wonderful man I know.  He has wonderful and great qualities, although this happened and he was trapped in that sin, he was always a good man and good to me and a wonderful father.  There has never been anything to indicate that he has done anything wrong to the children.  I know that because I watch these children like a lion, and I even check, from time to time to make sure.  I would rather be careful than sorry.  We can go to the temple together now and my husband can hold callings in the church and I know that because he initiated it and he sought repentance because he recognized that he needed it, I know that he is now a righteous priesthood holder.  I know the world and even people in the church can try to tell me otherwise, but I believe in the Holy Ghost and by the Holy Ghost I know that he has changed, although it is still very painful and it has done tremendous harm to me and to us and to our relationship. I know it is worth the trial to obtain eternal life, which is life free of these corruptions that take away our joy. –- Name Withheld

Here is a woman imprisoned by her husband’s dirty little secret.  She can’t confide in family, friends, or her bishop, for fear of destroying her husband’s reputation, and her children’s.  She can’t have friends over to play with her children.  All her relationships have been damaged, and even though she loves her husband and believes in his repentance, she still has no support system to help her work through the pain that he caused.  If only we could see the far-reaching damage we do when we sin—even when we think it’s a private sin that won’t affect anyone else! 

Another sister’s life was affected this way:

I have been married almost 8 years.  In January I found out that my husband was addicted to porn and his addiction had gone to images of young women.  He resigned his government job and has not been able to find work other than at Wal-Mart in the rural area of Texas where we live.  My parents have chosen to be unforgiving toward and have gone out of their way to speak unkindly of him to me, even going so far as to offer me money to ask him to leave.

We are still waiting to see what the federal possession charges will be and our lives are on hold, so to speak.  He would like to go back to school and learn a new profession but we are waiting to see what his punishment will be.

Last week as he was preparing his talk for Step One of his Twelve step program, he shared with me the information that he had been unfaithful to me several times with prostitutes abroad.  He admitted that he had been unfaithful for about 6 of our 8 years together.

While this newest revelation is heartbreaking for me, I understand that it is part of the addiction.  Through prayer, counseling and a 12-Step program for sex addicts, he is doing very well at this time.  I understand this is a lifelong problem and while it can be controlled, it will always be a cross for him to bear.

If I had any advice it would be this: Parents, shield your little sons from any type of porn, know their friends, do all you can to boost their self-esteem, keep them in church, and above all, pray unceasingly for them.  The Devil is a roaring lion and he is looking for our little ones.  Wives, learn all you can about sexual addictions, be involved in a support group for other wives, learn true forgiveness and compassion, model your compassion after the compassion Christ showed and pray for your husbands.  They are the head of our houses and hold the priesthood.  We need them and they need us.  Teach your daughters to cover up!  Dressing an 8-year-old like a worldly 18-year-old is contrary to Heavenly Father's wishes.  Daughters will complain : Everyone will laugh if I look different!  Remind them that as Daughters of God, we are different.  It is an honor to be different. Teach them that their bodies are scared and their sexuality is a precious gift for their future husbands.  --- Name withheld

As so often happens with sin, it escalates.  Your situation is every wife’s worst nightmare.  I hope you can bear up under such trying circumstances.  Thanks for sharing ways we can, God willing, help our children avoid a similar tragedy.

This brother was helped by a loving bishop:

… I kept telling myself this was not a big problem and that I was still in control. I just knew that I could quit anytime. But I tried several times. I tried using willpower. I tried using blocking software with passwords. At one point I tried to make the password itself deter me (I tried using a password of "You'll go to hell" or "Jesus Christ" to make me think before disabling the blocking software). Nothing worked. The addiction was stronger than I was.

Finally, I heard a talk by Dallin Oaks in conference, which addressed the pornography issue. I remember him saying that it was a problem that needed to be taken to the bishop. Until that time, I had never even considered that I needed help - I just needed more willpower. It still took me a few months to convince myself that Elder Oaks was right, but I finally made an appointment with my bishop. I was embarrassed. I almost canceled the appointment. But I went through with it, and I am so glad that I did. He was very understanding and sympathetic. He prayed with me. He read the scriptures with me. He encouraged me that I could overcome this problem with God's help. I felt such a burden lifted from me. It was not gone completely, but sharing the burden with my bishop turned out to be the turning point. It took a long time for the cravings to subside, but after that first appointment with the bishop, I never again gave in to the temptations.

I am not trying to say that it was easy after talking to him. But for me, talking to him was by far the most important thing I did. I had prayed earnestly before, but the problem continued. After talking to the bishop, I continued to pray for help. Prayer was a huge part of the process, but it wasn't effective until I took the step of admitting the problem to my priesthood leader.

It has now been 3 1/2 years since I first talked to the bishop, and I now have no desire to go back to this awful prison. I sometimes have to work late and occasionally I am the only person in the office (with a computer and high-speed Internet), however I no longer even consider browsing to inappropriate sites. This has slowly become a strength for me, and I am now free to work on other weaknesses. My relationship with my wife has never been better. I feel like Alma the Younger when he told his son Helaman, "Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy." (Alma 36:21). During the later stages of my addiction, I began to feel as though I was in a prison of my own making from which I could not escape. However, with God, all things are possible. There is hope, if you will just take that first step of seeking help.--A reader from Las Vegas, Nevada

I hope your letter gives sufferers the determination they need to involve their bishop in their repentance process.  I’m so glad you found the courage to take Elder Oaks’ excellent advice.

Our next letter comes from vigilant parents whose computer was in the kitchen where there was constant traffic, yet their youngest child developed a pornography addiction:

… He had a hotmail account, and that was the beginning. The filth that comes across there is appalling. He hated himself for his attraction to it.  He was trying his utmost to avoid it. Things that we learned made it more difficult for him were:

-Fashion magazines I didn't think about it, they are my magazines, and no one else reads them, but still, they are laying around with cleavage exposed on most front covers- including mail order catalogues.  (Are you aware that the common reference to Victoria Secret Catalogues among YOUNG LDS MARRIED men is that it is "Mormon porn" ?)

-Television shows with sexual undertones and dress-  If you have a young man in your home, he is at an age where it is a constant struggle not to be observant of the half-dressed girls all around him at school.   He doesn't need to be at home struggling also with the content of television.   I would invite parents to sit with a paper and pen and really note and observe what you are watching or allowing to be watched in your home.   If the show has sexual overtones or innuendo, or the female characters are immodestly attired, or treated as sex objects/with disrespect, then turf it.  You will be watching a LOT less TV, because there aren't a lot of mainstream comedies that would pass these qualifications, but believe me, your Son's virtue will be worth it.

-He said that the way the young women in the church dressed was a real challenge.  Where is a guy to look?  Her bare midriff? or her cleavage?   Or maybe the tight tight pants and short short skirts.  These girls think they are making fashion statements, or perhaps rebellious ones, but they are making life very difficult for the boys.

-The young men in his quorum were also great guys, but a few had pretty foul mouths on them when alone with the boys, and a couple were into porn magazines .  He looked at the magazines once and was so sick about it that he never looked at them with these boys again.  After that he was a pariah to them because he didn't want to partake, and they felt he was 'holier than thou' .Amazing how Satan creates situations that makes us believe that we just can't win...

After trying to fight the battle alone, our son went to his bishop, who treated him with respect and dignity and not like someone with a filthy habit.  This was crucial.  Our son knew that he was loved as a son of god and a brother in the gospel every inch of the way.  How grateful I am for a wise and loving bishop!

He went through the repentance process, and did not serve the sacrament for a time.  This was very painful for him, he truly loves the Lord.  He is known in our ward for being an upstanding young man and has served in every leadership capacity.  That was the heartache.  This was so completely out of character for him.

The changes I noticed in retrospect, because I sure missed them at the time, were that he was alone more, wouldn't watch tv with us, or hang around us (he felt unclean and unworthy) he was angry at times- not extremely, but  his own self loathing would spill over I think.

He also was trying valiantly to be better- he did all the right things even more, was reading his scriptures, being with good people and friends, avoiding being with the boys who were mentioned above, or alone with a girl, and he ended a steady relationship, that was still virtuous as far as I know, throwing himself deeper into things of the church.  No one served better, longer, or was more willing to do what was asked.

If you are reading this and thinking that you are immune, think again.  I never saw this coming.  We don't watch garbage, we are careful with our kids , we have great relationships with them,  and  we were close with our son, doing things with him, talking at length about life etc. all the while this was going on, but WE MISSED IT!  I have never been the parent that figured my kids were perfect, I always tell them when we speak of group dating or dating and courtship ' I trust you, its your hormones I don't trust' We are careful, careful , careful!  We are involved, we are active, we are decent.  And it still happened.

In the end, he turned things around.  One really big help is that he asked us to put a password on the computer.  He could only use it if we entered the password, and he asked us to hang around.  The computer was never available to him if we weren't right there with him.

The rest, he did himself.  He is worthy now, holds a temple recommend, and has RWH from a full time, honorable, mission.   He avoids temptation like the plague because he knows what it can do.  He is one of the most righteous young men you could want to know.

In fact, You might know him. He might be in your ward.   He might be dating your daughter.  Are there things in your home to tempt him?  Is your daughter dressed appropriately so that the young men around her aren't tempted into inappropriate fantasies?

What about your son?  Or daughter ? Are you protecting them?  Is your computer password protected?  If you cannot be there, they should not have access.  Because if Satan can tempt and claim a young man as good and wonderful as this kid, YOURS is fair game too. I pray that that will never be the case.-- Name withheld

Thanks for your excellent letter, and the reminder than we cannot be complacent and think “all is well in Zion” when Satan has a bulls-eye drawn on each of our children.

And now, some web sites and filter recommendations:

Pam Nielsen works with addicted and abused individuals, and has an album of beautiful music to help them through tough times.  Her website is www.pamnielsen.com.  I particularly recommend the song, “Without You, I Am Nothing.”

One writer found great success with the free, 60-day online course at  www.settingcaptivesfree.com for pornography addicts.

Another reader writes:

I finally found (a filter) like no other. It is called Max and it filters all 65,000 ports of the Internet how you the parent wants it filtered per person in your home. Other filters filter only about 2-3 of those 65,000 ports.  Look for  *Protecting Children and Preserving Families to the Max*

Another writer says: 

Many browsers can block or allow web sites by url. Some, like Internet Explorer, can also block websites by content. This is nice because you don't have to know the url to block it. IE allows a separate password fo its content advisor. I like to use a password to remind kids that they are LDS. Another way of doing it, is to set up an old/slow computer in a locked cabinet to filter out the Internet.

The disadvantage of blocking by url, is you have to know what url is, to block it, and you will probably go nuts with all the new websites out there.

The advantage of allowing by url is now only those websites you have allowed are viewable and don't have to keep up with all the websites. Disadvantage is now you have to put in all the websites you want to view.

Advantage and disadvantage of blocking by content is the sites are rated by someone else.

The disadvantage of using the same computer to filter, is children tend to be much smarter than us, and will find a way to bypass it. IE a new browser downloaded off the net, etc.—Lawrence LaBranche

Thanks immensely, to all of you.  See you next week, Joni