Visiting Teaching-Does it Work For You?
By Joni Hilton

We are still hearing from many readers who were touched by last week’s topic, child sexual abuse. Before I tackle this week’s dilemma, I’d like to share just a few points that were brought up in this newest batch of letters:

First, let’s remember that sexual abuse is not only a girl problem-- thousands of boys suffer at the hands of cruel adults, and peers, as well.

Next, if you are a priesthood holder in a position of authority, please do not dismiss these cases as “slight indiscretions,” and the like. Some letters described a “brush it under the rug” attitude from leaders who should have taken swift action.

Third-- an important correction-- when an abused child takes the sacrament, nothing need be said about it “cleansing” the child from what happened-- the child has not sinned and is not dirty-- the abuser is!

We will be exploring this issue at greater length on the pages of Meridian.  Watch for future articles.

This week’s letter offers an honest admission: This sister cannot see the point of Visiting Teaching, and thinks the system asks too much of us. Here’s her experience:

For 20 years I valued visiting teaching and did a fairly decent job of it, but not lately. I can no longer see the value of being assigned to be someone's friend and then going through the motions of meeting the statistical requirements you are told to fulfill by your leaders. Notwithstanding all the sweet and loving intentions, that is what visiting teaching boils down to the majority of the time.

My VT's came yesterday. They spent two hours at my house and we talked about inconsequential things and topics that they knew a lot about. I couldn't tell them about my heavy burdens, nor did they ask. I wouldn't dream of burdening them too, especially if they didn't ask for it. As they were leaving they talked about where they would go out to lunch, not realizing how I felt. I know I can't expect them to read my mind. My point is that I couldn't confide in my visiting teachers the things that are troubling me because I know all too well what visiting teaching really means, not in theory, but in practice.

I visit teach three women. My partner has three kids and a job and is almost never available. When we get it done, it's by working separately on it most of the time. And 'get it done' is the true goal. This is not good, I realize, but all visiting teachers who read this will understand exactly what I mean.

I want to appreciate my own visiting teachers, but they are busy women, too busy to attend to me every month. I don't think they would like helping me in a crisis unless they could get it done expediently, and what I really need is a true sister that will always be there for me, whether she is assigned or not. Someone I could talk to more than once a month and she wouldn't be bothered by me, and she would like to go to lunch with me. A visiting teacher who has this spirit is a rare one indeed.

I used to strive for this, and sometimes was able to achieve it (especially if I had a willing partner), but as I get older my resources are more limited. Now I am dealing with teenagers and a mediocre marriage and dysfunctional sibling relationships, and two church callings and I have so little left over to give my sisters I am assigned to. How can I expect that my own visiting teachers to be able to serve me in ways I can't serve? I am wondering if this system expects too much from us.

Dear Anonymous,

Many years ago an uncle of mine was assigned as a home teacher to the LDS women in a prison. At a family gathering he made an off-hand comment that I’ve never forgotten. He said, “Home and visiting teaching is really the pure gospel, you know.”

I believe he was right. You can administrate at the stake level, you can teach a class, you can organize a ward dinner, you can coordinate a camp-out, but when it comes right down to it, testimonies and relationships are built one-on-one. Simple service from one to another is the gospel as Christ taught it, and the only way to let someone know you genuinely love them. It can’t happen as you dash by someone in the church hallway, or wave to them at the supermarket. A intimate visit in a home, is the only way I’ve found to really be useful.

I’ll confess something I’ve never told anyone except Relief Society presidents before: I always ask for the hardest cases. I want the high maintenance sisters with the greatest needs and the most problems. If someone is bitter and inactive-- or completely hard to find-- that’s who I want. Mental problems? Sign me up! (Maybe I can relate!) Why do I seek out these people? Because I need them. I need to use the talents I’ve been given, and the empathy God gave me for people who are struggling in some way. Sure, it would be easy to visit happily married, bubbly 40-ish sisters who have my same interests and want to go to lunch and then shopping. But I’ll probably meet and become friends with them eventually anyway. When I’m visiting teaching I want to feel the Lord is working with me. I want to pray for insight and actually hear promptings. It’s a spiritual moment that beats any endorphin rush the joggers and runners talk about. I want to help hurt, frightened sisters come back again.

What Visiting Teaching needs is not abandonment, but definition. We need to get away from the two-hour chats about nothing, and really seek to uplift those we visit. We need to share burdens, bring a message we’ve prayed about, and keep the visits to 20 minutes unless more time is requested.

We need to drop all pretenses and exhibit enough love and caring that our sisters will confide their real concerns to us, so we can help them. We need to keep confidences.

Remember how Visiting Teachers used to wear dresses, gloves and hats? They conducted a formal visit, sitting in the parlor, with their ankles neatly crossed. Well, this ain’t how I do it today, Toots. I do whatever I think will make the sister feel more comfortable with me there. Half the time I wear no makeup, and I’m dressed in grubbies so I can help work. I hug, I cry with them, I share my own struggles so they’ll know they can share theirs.

And above all, I do not contact them only once a month. Once a month means it’s assigned, and you’re checking a box. I call them at random times all month, just to see how they’re doing. I treat them the way I would treat my actual sister, if she were living. I forget the assignment and tell myself that the Lord has asked me to become friends with this person. No way do I wait until the end of the month, then swing by in a hurry.

Is it hard to visit teach this way? Yes. It is very hard. My life is so busy my husband calls me a peanut in a hurricane. I have all kinds of tugs on my time, and stresses you can’t believe. But I NEED to visit teach so I will remember why I’m here. It forces me to serve when I could otherwise vanish into the routine of modern life.

Here is what a lot of us would love to do: We’d run away to India or China or someplace, and be like Mother Theresa. We’d work with people who are hanging onto life by their fingernails. We’d hold their babies and listen to their stories and help them any way we could. But... most of us don’t have that luxury--- we have kids to raise, jobs to do, other obligations to meet every day. But we can glimpse that pure service by visiting teaching with the same spirit. We can find that little patch of heaven right within our own ward boundaries. We can be useful.

I know how you feel-- your visiting teachers are just “getting it done,” and you feel overwhelmed as well. Here’s what I recommend. Ask your Relief Society president to chat with you some time, and tell her how you feel. Ask her to reassign you to women who really need you. Maybe even just one sister who you can make the focus of your service-- someone you can realistically call at least every week. You might even ask for new teachers, too (although, having been a RS President, I sympathize with how hard it is to re-do the assignments, and the ripple effects it creates).

Best of all would be a luncheon for the visiting teachers as a group, where you teach them from square one, how it’s actually done. Suggest this to your president. She could get testimonials from sisters whose lives were honestly helped by caring visiting teachers. Have a Q & A panel to discuss this very problem of feeling burned out (it’s church wide). And how do you serve sisters who seem to have no needs? Let them tell you! Brainstorm about how to fix the situation. Don’t just let Visiting Teaching dwindle into a half-hearted program that nobody enjoys. Make sure every sister knows the incredibly valuable position she is in, and walks out of the room motivated to really love her sisters, and treat them as family from here on out.

I know we’re all busy, but to tell you the truth, it takes about the same amount of time to do a job badly, as to do it well. We just need to shift our focus and put Christ back in the center of it. He’s the one we’re really serving, and He’s the one who will give us all the help we need to accomplish “the thing which he hath commanded.”

Now I’d love to hear from you, our readers. What can you tell Sister Anonymous about Visiting Teaching? Is it a chore you dread? Or have you found a way to make it work?

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I have four hilarious children and an even more hilarious husband, Bob, whose comments frequently work their way into my published material (hey, somebody should have the presence to make a profit here).

I’ve served as Ward Relief Society president, first counselor in a Stake Relief Society presidency, seminary teacher, and a zillion other callings that, if added properly, will tell you I’m 46. I have a regional calling at present, working with the media. I am also blessed to be one of the writers for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s “Music and the Spoken Word.”

If you’re familiar with my LDS comedy novels (“As the Ward Turns,” etc.) then you’ve probably figured out that I was raised on a steady diet of sugar and humor. But I don’t fault my parents-- it was all I would eat.

I hosted a TV talk show in Los Angeles, and together Bob and I hosted a syndicated TV family show. (Bob’s background is a lot more interesting-- he’s a former game show host, and has worked for the big networks, anchored TV news, and has a new book out about activities to do with your kids, called “Weekend Dad.”)

But back to me. If I have any spare time at all, I make up recipes and win contests with them. It’s true, and nobody is more amazed than I. Here’s what I do: I think up a crazy recipe, mail it in, and then, if it wins, I cook it. All I know is that it seems to be working and we’ve won trips to France, Hawaii, Florida, New York, and now a cruise to the Caribbean. You can’t attend 46 years of ward dinners and not learn something.

Our youngest, Nicole, is our only daughter, and I recently wrote about her medical challenges in the Feb. 1 issue of Woman’s Day. Oh, that’s another thing-- I frequently write for various national women’s magazines. Another recent piece of mine was in Family Circle last summer, about my racing the family mini-van at the local speedway. (I am nothing if not a cool Mormon mama). I have no idea how many books I’ve written, but I’ve sold fourteen.

My medication of choice is the gospel. I would be lost without it, and I love it with every temple-going, Institute-attending fiber of my being. The Lord is my greatest friend, my Savior in this life and the next. I wish every person I meet would join the church, and, frankly, it ticks me off a little bit when they don’t. But, like all women, I try not to take it personally. Onward and upward, Sisters. Be sure to wear thick socks-- the refiner’s fire is definitely hot.

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