“That Is Not What I Meant!”
By Vickey Pahnke-Taylor

Sometimes, even with the best of intentions, we fail to say, or to write, what we meant to say or write.  How things may change with just the slightest shift in word or print!

On occasion, this can be a funny experience.  Or an embarrassing one. Or an offensive one.  Consider these examples found in (for real) church bulletins:

• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”   (Poor Mrs. Vinson!)
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.  (Yikes —  Whoever typed that one might have wanted to proofread!)
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. (Could judgment have been reserved until, at least, the performance was over?)

These are funny — except perhaps for the people who wrote them, or the ones who may have had their feelings hurt.  In any case, what we read is not what was meant!

In our relationships with one another, it is so important to speak carefully.  Words matter.  Results of not thinking, not ‘proofreading’, not clearly saying what we mean, can be huge and be as ripples in a lake.  Accurate communication is critical.

This clear instruction came from Elder Neal A. Maxwell: 

Geniality is a part of Christian communication, but so is accuracy.  In the same way that vagueness in theology produces human misery, so vagueness in our communications produces difficulty. Evan Hill in writing about the need for accuracy said, “When we show that we care enough to be accurate, a current of warmth is generated between people.” While candor often depends upon a commitment to courage and truth, accuracy often depends upon our not being lazy or indifferent about either issues or people. Fuzziness in communication can mean that we simply do not have the facts, but it can also mean that we simply do not care about the receiver of our communication. (The Smallest Part)

This quote is filled with counsel that we would do well to ponder over and over; and then “go and do” as he teaches.  For any of us who have said, “That is not what I meant!” the clarion call for clear communication is important.

Within the realm of the gospel, there is a need for us, as individuals, to mark well our words.  That old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” is untrue. Words, said in haste or anger or confusion, may cause a great deal of pain. The following revised saying seems more to the point:  “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can just about kill me.” 

How do we learn to say what we mean to say?  How may we overcome the words that may cause pain or injury to another?  How may we learn to accept the communications that are needed, even if they are not what we want to hear?  How do we become sensitive enough to realize that we are hurting another, even when we do not mean to do so?

Again, I find strength in Elder Maxwell’s words, “It is difficult to say which is most dangerous — the mote in one’s eye or the moat around his ‘castle’ that keeps out the needed communications, involving correction, counsel, or commendations” (All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience).   Add these words that he wrote in his book The Smallest Part, “So many of our soul scars are made by words — not deeds.”  Once we become humble enough to better listen — to the one speaking to us and to the whisperings of the Spirit — we may have very few occasions to say, ‘That is not what I meant!”

This is a fast-paced world.  It may seem easier at times to give a quick answer and move on.  Or reply to a question (such as “How are you?”) with a trite “I’m fine” (even when we are far from it).  With a bit more time to think about things, and a bit more emphasis on asking for the Holy Spirit to be with us, I imagine we would find more peace in our relationships. Perhaps there would be many fewer occasions when we feel like we have lifted our foot and stuck it squarely in our mouth!

Jesus, when queried by the scribes and Pharisees about the woman taken in adultery, knew that they were attempting to catch him in his words and thus accuse him.  Notice what the Savior did:  He “stooped down and with his finger wrote on the ground.”

After spending sufficient time to ponder and pray, he stood up and said these well-known words, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”  (See John 8: 3-8.)  There was never a question that Jesus would say anything other than what He meant. 

With careful consideration of our words, The Spirit’s input, and others’ feelings, we may alleviate many of those “That is not what I meant!” moments.  Although “bloopers” may lighten the mood or bring a laugh, there is something noble to be said about getting It right — especially as pertains to communication. God bless us as we learn to better, more lovingly, and more accurately communicate with one another!