Meridian Magazine :: A Beacon Light: Why Coveting is a Killer

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It is always enlightening to notice what combinations of warnings are mentioned together in scripture. Sometimes we find something we may consider a lesser offense in the company of some seemingly more serious offenses. That pairing would lead me to believe that God is trying to get the message across that something we think is not so important is more serious than we think.

Consider that not living up to our responsibilities is in some pretty serious company in this quote from the Proclamation on the Family:

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.

I ran across this one the other day reading my scriptures.

1 Peter 4:15

But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men’s matters.

Hmmm, murderer, thief, evildoer, busybody. In this list, being a busybody sounds like the first step toward a life of crime.

Likewise I have been thinking lately of the sin of envy and how “thou shalt not covet” is one of the ten commandments, up there with some serious offenses, as well.

Exodus 20:17

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.

Why, I wonder, is coveting up there with killing and committing adultery? I think of all the big ten, I am most guilty of coveting. Somehow I don’t think I am alone.

Sometimes when I drive out of our neighborhood and look at the new homes under construction across the street, I actually say to myself “covet covet covet” as I drive by, wondering what use I would make of all those rooms. Doesn’t God understand that coveting is just part of our nature? Does he really expect us to conquer this pernicious habit? Maybe he just threw that one in to make it an even ten. I actually think coveting should have been listed under the “thou shalt not kill” umbrella. Not following that logic? Keep reading.

Coveting Kills Friendship

When someone we know has something we want, and we covet it, we are in essence imagining that we somehow deserve to have it more than they do, or at least as much. We resent someone for whom doors open too easily, who experiences more success than we have experienced. We resent someone whose parents were able to give them things ours were not. We resent people who seem to take good fortune for granted. It isn’t long before that resentment becomes manifest somehow, in our actions and our words to others.

“Who does she think she is?”

“Look at Mr. Hot Stuff in his new car.”

“Where is the world traveler off to this time?”

In my personal history, which I have completed so far up to the fourth grade, I write about the girl in my kindergarten class of whom I was jealous. As I recall, she liked the same boy I did, and my jealousy continued over the years. When I was invited to play at her house a couple of years later, I discovered that she had the pink canopy bed of my dreams, and I coveted my little seven-year-old heart out over that and the white furniture with the gold trim. Besides that, she was an only child, and she had beautiful fair skin and blond hair. (She was responsible for me believing I had been secretly left on my parents’ doorstep by the Indians, because of my olive skin.) I had three brothers by then and we had two sets of bunkbeds in one bedroom. Mine came equipped with a younger brother who kicked me from the bottom bunk every night. Oh, how I wanted what she had!

In my junior year in high school, I was all set to ask a boy I liked to the girls’ dance until I overheard him and another boy in the class arguing about who got to give her a ride to a French Club party. I’m pretty sure I went off somewhere and stewed about not having a canopy bed or a date to the dance.

What is the solution? For starters, maybe we can admit to some of our feelings of envy. Like the alcoholic admitting his problem, saying it out loud helps. I think it is far healthier to admit “I am jealous of you because you have such a great job” than to let the acid eat away at the friendship. What often happens is that we hear the flip side of the record, about the pressure to compete with the new guy or the struggle it was to get through school, or some other trade-off--something that can give us empathy and perspective. Often we will also hear a parallel confession. When I told my friend how jealous I was of her bedroom, she told me she was jealous of my having three brothers, always having someone to play with. I still would have traded them straight across for the canopy bed, but it helped even things out somehow.

I once confessed to the Relief Society teacher who taught the week before me how intimidated I was by her beautiful visual aids and how I hated teaching the week after her with my white poster boards and black magic marker. She told me that her daughter-in-law who was a graphic artist made all her visual aids for her. Then she told me that I was able to paint word pictures and didn’t need the crutch of visual aids like she did. I was never again jealous of her visual aids because she helped me be grateful for what I had to offer. We need to do more of that for each other.

I have a friend whose husband is a doctor, and after she told me what it was like getting him through medical school and residency, I looked differently at their big house, realizing the sacrifices she had made for her husband’s profession and the sacrifices she continued to make. Ditto with a beautiful friend who told me she had never had many real girlfriends growing up, because girls made friends with her for the status or were jealous of her because she was prom queen. It was my writing that prompted our friendship or I would likely have joined the ranks of women who resented her from afar. I would have missed out on a great friend had I not been able to overlook her physical perfection. It is hard not to envy incredibly beautiful people, but yes, even that can have a downside. (So I’m told.)

President Ezra Taft Benson taught us many truths in his sermon about pride:

Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

Coveting Kills Contentment

Take a visit to any Primary nursery across the land and observe play time. There is a word that young children learn very early. “Mine!” We’ve all observed the child who was playing with a toy, set it down, and then became possessive once another child picked up the discarded toy. “Mine! I didn’t want it until you picked it up, and now I want it again. What makes me want it is your having it instead of me.”

When we covet something, it is usually because someone else has something we want. “Why should they have it and not me?” Have we truly progressed so little since our days in the sandbox? Often a parent or a leader mollifies the discontented child by handing him or her something else of equal or greater play value. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Often the child will still try to get back the other toy, or perhaps he will flaunt the new toy, thereby making the other child now desire what he has. The bottom line is that there will always be something bigger and better and faster and cooler, and there will always be someone else who has it instead of us.

When we covet, we immediately become discontent with what we have. This leads to the sin of ingratitude. We never compare our home to the piece of cardboard sheltering a homeless person. We never compare our car to the moped putting along, barely able to do the speed limit. We never compare our furniture to that of the newlyweds down the street who have been to all the local yard sales.

We must learn the art of being content with what we have. We should be actively seeking new ways to remember to be grateful. Have you ever spent a night sleeping in an airport with your carry-on luggage as a pillow? I have, and in the days immediately afterward, I reminded myself regularly how nice it was to be able to crawl into a comfortable bed at the end of the day. Sometimes I still pause and remember to be grateful for my bed. I sometimes inspire gratitude for my bed by imagining that I have been out hiking and that I want and need nothing more than a nice hot shower and a welcoming bed to sink into. How nice that bed feels when I am of that mindset.

People often express envy when they find out I live in Hawaii, but there are trade-offs for living in paradise. And I may be envious of them because they live close to their grandchildren. Today I tried to explain to a three-year-old why Grandma couldn’t come visit her right now.

“I have to buy a ticket for an airplane ride and that takes a lot of money.”

“Get in your car, Grandma.”

“I can’t drive in my car to see you, because there is a lot of water in between us.”

“Then get a boat.”

Coveting Kills Kindness

When we are jealous of someone else, especially if we let it go unchecked for a long period of time, we are inclined to act in unkind ways. We feel a need to let some of the air out of their tires somehow. This can manifest itself in snide remarks, often couched in terms of our own humility.

“Her home is such a showplace. My home is a place where my grandchildren can play without fear of breaking an expensive vase.” (That’s pronounced “vahz.”)

I recently reconnected with an old friend and among her photos on Facebook were pictures of a beautifully manicured yard. I wrote a quick note telling her how nice her yard looked and how much work it must have been. Sure, there was a brief moment of envy, wishing our yard looked like that, but I haven’t put forth the effort she has, so why should I believe I deserve a yard like that if I’m not willing to work at it? I chose not to withhold praise because of envy. In praising someone else for what they have accomplished, we somehow unlock the padlock that holds our envy in place. It feels good to let go of it. It strengthens relationships instead of deteriorating them.

What I try to do when I find feelings of envy creeping up on me is to try and be genuinely glad for what that person has or has accomplished and if possible, express it to them. I can’t say I am always successful, but I am doing better. Imagine how much healthier our relationships could be if we could get rid of the toxic elements introduced when we let envy overtake our good feelings toward people. Envy can even cause us to secretly (or sometimes openly) rejoice in the misfortunes of others. If that isn’t the enmity President Benson talked of, I don’t know what is.

I have a friend who once confessed to me that her efforts at dieting for an upcoming class reunion were not yielding the results she had hoped. I said, “So what’s the downside? You’re not going to be invited to sit at the cheerleader’s table?”

“But I was a cheerleader,” she moaned.

“Then just consider this a service project. The main reason most women go to class reunions is to see a fat cheerleader.”

Cheering Section

Speaking of cheerleaders, most of us never got the chance to be one. There is still time. We can all be cheerleaders for each other. We can try harder to take pleasure in the accomplishments of others. We can share their joy instead of cause ourselves misery lamenting that the good thing happened to someone else and not us. We aren’t little children anymore that have to say “mine” and grab the toy. We can say, “Wow, looks like you’ve got something really cool there. Have fun!”

One thing I have found among my fellow LDS authors is a group of people who are genuinely supportive of each other. Sure, when someone makes it big, there are moments of wistfulness or playful comments about campouts at Borders, but what I see and feel most often is a group of people who know what the struggle to write and get published entails and who are truly happy for one another, encouraging one another and cheering each other’s successes, whether or not their own success has been eclipsed. (Yes, pun intended.)

Just as faith and fear cannot co-exist, so our feelings of envy are crowded out by good feelings if we are able to take joy in the accomplishments of others. Unchecked envy and resentment will only make us miserable and bitter, unable to enjoy our own blessings.

Now, if you don’t mind, it is rather late, and thankfully, I have a comfortable bed waiting for me. As a matter of fact, it is a canopy bed. Finally!

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