Imagine if every abused woman or child had a bishop like Jacob, a man who was compassionate and caring, a man who would speak out strongly and clearly against behaviors that are unacceptable, period. Jacob would not suggest to a woman that her husband's pornography problem is her fault for not being more attractive or affectionate. Jacob would not ignore a mother's report of sexual abuse and throw a vulnerable child to the wolves to preserve a friendship with the accused. Jacob would not allow a denial of guilt to stand in the face of evidence to the contrary.

In Jacob 2:9 he states:

“Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained, because of the strict commandment which I have received from God, to admonish you according to your crimes, to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds.”

It saddens me to know that at times those who come to Church leaders for care and counsel have their wounds enlarged instead of being consoled and healed. I struggle to understand how and why this happens, and I don't have any answers that satisfy my soul. Simultaneously I fear speaking out and yet I cannot remain silent. For those of you who would prefer to feast upon the pleasing word of God, I, like Jacob, apologize.

In my attempt to do something to help, I have come up with four things that are needful to help leaders minister effectively and tenderly to their flocks.

Counsel

Our church has a lay clergy, which means that our bishops and other leaders are chosen from among the congregation and are not paid for their services. As my husband Thom often reminds me, being called as a bishop does not magically turn an accountant or a dentist into a skilled marriage counselor or family therapist. Even when they avail themselves of all resources available, much of a bishop's training comes on the job. While insufficient training may be a fact, it should never be an excuse for not dealing appropriately with serious matters. Thom is a former bishop and has given me some insights into the enormity of the job. I'm sure many a bishop lies in bed at night wakeful from all the problems that cross his desk.

The Church has an 800 number for bishops to call for help with certain situations, not only to get counsel on what to do as a bishop but also to be informed of their legal obligation to report certain abuses. I fear it is not being used as often as it should be. In the interest of showing mercy, not wanting to interfere with someone's progress in the gospel, or giving a second chance, abusers are not always stopped. The second chance being given may be another opportunity to abuse. The person who most needs mercy may be a helpless child or a powerless woman.

Prayers for help and direction about where to turn can and should be offered. Thom has taken me on a short hike and introduced me to his “prayer tree,” the tree near a little secluded beach that he used to climb as a bishop, sitting on a low limb and counseling with the Lord about his flock. Sometimes answers came quickly and clearly. Other times not so much.

If we fail to counsel with the Lord, we are left to rely on our own often faulty judgment. Sometimes we use that same flawed judgment in trying to discern the difference between our own feelings and direction from the Lord. Mistaking what the natural man would be inclined to do as inspiration because we feel vulnerable or do not have the courage to confront a situation or person is sometimes a possibility. An overwhelming feeling that he would like it to all go away may lead a bishop to do nothing, assuming or rationalizing that the answer comes from on high rather than from his own insecurities, cowardice or prejudices. (Muddled thinking and a stupor of thought can sometimes be difficult to tell apart.) As a result, sometimes people are simply admonished, publicly or privately, to stop “gossiping” when they try to bring serious matters to the attention of their leaders. Certainly, the gift of discernment is sorely needed when things are being presented differently by two different parties. In a perfect world, all leaders would have the wisdom of Solomon, the compassion of Jacob and the courage of Abinadi. Unfortunately, we don't live in that perfect world.

Compassion

I have had times when I truly felt a leader cared about me and what I was going through, many more times than my experience has been otherwise. I do not want to suggest that the negative examples I give are the norm . However, recently several friends have shared with me their negative experiences and I cannot ignore them. Perhaps my empathy is enhanced because of my own experiences at times when I felt that compassion from leaders was missing, when I felt I was judged unfairly and have left their presence feeling worse than before I sought counsel.

In my first temple recommend interview after my divorce, the counselor in the stake presidency asked afterwards if he could counsel with me for a few minutes. A wave of relief flooded over me. Somebody cares! Somebody wants to know how I'm doing, how I'm surviving, if I'm surviving. Apparently, though, President X had a pet issue and though the spirit might have been leaning on the doorbell, nobody answered the door. “Sister Corpany, do you drink Coke?” I was able to answer him truthfully that I did not drink Coca Cola. You see, I believe that if he had been truly inspired, his question to me would have been “Do you drink Pepsi?” Be compassionate, not clueless.

I went away on empty, below empty even, wondering if anyone really cared or was even aware. There have been times I have decided it was the latter and made someone aware, but if you make someone aware and they still don't seem to care, you are left without an excuse for them. Sometimes people in crisis don't tell anyone, because if you don't make people aware, at least you can still imagine they would care if they knew what your struggles were. I don't want to believe leaders would have anyone depart feeling that no one cares but sometimes that is exactly what happens. Like Jacob, leaders need to be concerned about the broken hearts and tender feelings of those with whom they counsel, learning to minister and not just administer.

Courage

It takes courage to report your next-door neighbor to the authorities for abusing his children. It takes courage to face down someone who has prominence in the community or even in the Church if he or she needs to be confronted. I'm sure bishops at times understand why Jonah went and hid in the belly of the whale. When confronted with an unsavory situation, leaders can also pray for the courage to do the right thing. I pray that more of them will. It took courage for Samuel the Lamanite to preach as the arrows flew around him. It took courage for Abinadi to preach to wicked King Noah and his court. It took courage for my Relief Society president from a former ward, after the sisters engaged in a massive clean-up effort, to report a lady in the ward to the state child protection agency for neglect of her children. She could have rationalized that things had been cleaned up temporarily, but she knew there was a behavior that needed to be addressed and that there would need to be ongoing checks. She clearly explained to this sister that if she allowed her home to deteriorate to its previous state, she could lose her children. She did the right thing, even when it was not easy. As Thom says, “When dealing with something that is absolutely wrong, you have to be sure you get it absolutely right.”

Character

Having a strong character can compensate for a lack of training and overcome a lack of courage. People of character will address serious problems even if they involve someone with whom they may have a friendship or a business association. I once prefaced an explanation to a fellow writer, Candace E. Salima, about the difficulties of another friend with her Church leaders by remarking on the fact that I understand that bishops are not trained counselors. She cut to the chase with this comment. “Any decent man would be outraged.” She was right. The training that is most vital is the training a leader has as a human being, the training to know the difference between what is right and wrong. I have thought back on that statement many times. Because our leaders are selected from among us, friendships and alliances exist, but sometimes those need to be set aside if there is something serious that needs to be dealt with. As the song so clearly states, “Do what is right, let the consequence follow.” Men and women of character do what is right uninfluenced by other factors. Are you one of them?

Be a Jacob. The world and the Church and someone in your ward needs you.