M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Empty Nest Mothers
By Daryl Hoole

In sacrament meetings yesterday, Mother’s Day messages paid tribute to mothers who “do it all.”  This article is in recognition of mothers who have “done it all.”  It’s about what mothers might do who have raised their families and who want to enjoy the blessings of grandmotherhood. This topic has been prompted by a letter I recently received from a woman who wrote:

I have spent the last 24 years raising a family and this year my last child left home. Soon afterwards, we moved away from our hometown and I have found myself in mourning for the loss of my children’s company. I never expected to feel this way, as I have led an active and fulfilling life and have a good relationship with their father. What advice do you have for an empty nester who has spent her adult life serving her family?

First of all, you are to be congratulated!  You’ve worked yourself out of a job, and that’s according to the plan.  A wise woman, Dorothy Canfield Fisher, once said, “A mother is not a person to lean on; a mother is a person to make leaning unnecessary.”  So, rejoice in the fact that you’ve accomplished your task.

Although your children have left home, you have not been released from loving them and being concerned about them because once you’re a mother, you’re always a mother.  I have a little plaque in my home that reads: 

A mother holds her children’s hands for a while; she holds their hearts forever.

In other words, just because you have an empty nest doesn’t mean you have to have an empty heart.  

Before coming up with lots of suggestions to conquer loneliness, I want to address another aspect of your letter.  You wrote:

Not only do we miss our kids, but many of us will spend our twilight years working to make up for pension losses, etc. when we had hoped to retire to work at the temple and enjoy our grandchildren.

Financial limitations are real, what with the cost of gasoline and other living expenses steadily increasing.  It’s not always possible to just hop on a plane and go for a visit. 

Your letter also included this line:

It’s a different world, but there is much to be grateful for, too.

It is a different world, yet certainly something to be grateful for in these modern times is the miracle of telecommunications.  There was a time in the not-to-distant past when if someone moved away from home, the parents never saw him or her again.  Even moving to the other side of the mountain frequently meant a near end of contact.  Now, we can send and receive messages and images all around the world within seconds, and at little cost. 

I think of long-distance telephoning.  There are low-cost plans that charge only one cent per minute for a long-distance phone call.  Some plans allow unlimited long-distance calls.  I remember only a few years ago when whether or not to make a long distance call was a real issue: how much will it cost?  Is it too expensive?  Now, I pick up a phone and call our families across the country without hesitation. 

Here are some suggestions for dealing with feelings of loneliness and separation:

• Gift packages, with overnight or two-day mail service, can reach their destinations at record speed.  Videos and DVDs are wonderful person-to-person connectors.

• Grandchildren seem to have been born with technical know-how and are completely comfortable with computers.  Grandparents can enjoy a lively email correspondence with even very young grandchildren.  Long before the little ones can read and write, it can be tons of fun to scan drawings and pictures and send them back and forth electronically.

• Far-away grandparents can be “present” for special occasions via cell phones, video cameras, web cams, and digital cameras.  Photos of a newborn grandchild can reach grandparents within minutes of the birth.  Recently a grandmother told me that she and her husband sent an entire family home evening program, complete with messages, music, and an activity, to grandchildren in Germany via SKYPE.  A conference call enables grandparents to listen in as a grandson or granddaughter reads a mission call. 

And communications are only going to become more amazing as technology advances. I marvel as I contemplate the possibilities of the future. And it’s going to be our grandchildren who not only lead the way in teaching us how to use the sophisticated equipment, they’ll be the ones programming and inventing it!   

• Someone once told me that “grandmothering” should be a hobby, not a career.  True!  A worthy grandmother hobby would be to set up a file (either manual or electronic) for ideas for “grandmothering,” especially long-distance ones, as in your case. You might note ideas such as including a stick of gum or a hair ribbon in an envelope with a letter.  Or, how about lists of  photos, messages, advice, stories from your childhood, lessons you’ve learned, a new recipe for them to try, a favorite book you’ve just read, or a movie you think they would enjoy.

• A family newsletter works well in keeping a scattered family connected.  We named ours The Hoole Street Journal.  In order not to give the busy mothers one more responsibility, my husband and I as the grandparents elected to be the editors and producers.  We printed it quarterly and included photos; children’s art work; spotlights on grandchildren; news about births, baptisms, and weddings; and shared favorite recipes.  We also included copies of talks family members had recently given in church in order to share gospel messages and our testimonies.

Ten of our thirty-six grandchildren were born while my husband and I served a three-year mission in Holland.  Those same ten grandchildren were baptized eight years later while we served a two-year mission in Hong Kong.  We found during those years that in many ways our influence was felt more strongly through our absence.   

Every night each grandchild prayed “Please bless Grandpa and Grandma on their mission.”  I’m not sure they pray for us by name every night when we’re home.  Our letters were read around the dinner table. They were aware of all we were doing as we shared our mission experiences with them. Each letter included faith-promoting stories and our testimonies.  

Now back home, they know only bits and pieces about us.  We were able to express in our letters love and other feelings that are sometimes harder to express in person.  They were receptive to our counsel sent from the mission field.  We bore testimony in every letter.  Now that we are home, they only hear our testimonies occasionally. 

Our tenth grandchild to serve a mission will enter the field in a few weeks.  We write our missionary grandchildren each month (usually on Fast Sunday).  This correspondence has added a very special dimension to our relationship. We miss it when they return home. 

The list could go on and on of ways you can reach out across the miles to loved ones. Meanwhile, be a good example to your grandchildren by showing them how, in your retirement years, you can still be of service and contribute to the good of the Church and community in a variety of ways.  Let them know about your projects, hobbies, and interests.  Let them see how you continue to learn and progress and how fulfilling life can be as you grow older.  Help them realize that being close to them has little to do with distance.  
 
Even though it can be terribly disappointing to have dreams die, and for life to turn out to be other than what you had hoped for, often we’re directed along new and different paths that are even better and more rewarding than what we had in mind. 

Remember, all things work for the good of those who love the Lord.  Furthermore, it can be helpful to put things in perspective. Families are forever and motherhood is an eternal calling — one from which you are never released.   Yes, we do hold our children’s hands for awhile, their hearts forever. 

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