Goal-Setting Focuses Your Efforts In Recovery
By Fay A. Klingler

Years ago, in an effort to keep physically fit, I ran a two-mile race. I huffed and panted, walking a good part of the distance. Yet I finished and was satisfied until I stood at the sidelines watching the runners gather for the starting gun of the next race — a 10K.

I thought, Are they all crazy? They were going to run more than six miles, yet they stood chattering excitedly with anticipation like a flock of Canadian “honkers” ready for their spring flight north. I didn’t stay to see the finish. I just shook my head and walked away, believing they were making a mistake to push themselves so hard.

Three of my children joined me on that two-mile run. Later in the week, as we talked about it, one of them observed, “You know, the six-mile would only be like running three of the two-mile!”

I’d never thought of it like that. It occurred to me that if I practiced and committed myself, in time, I probably could do three two-mile runs. I didn’t dare voice that thought, but the seed of challenge was planted.

I promised myself I’d run five days a week, three miles a day for the next year. I ran in the rain, in the snow, in the heat. I set up a daily schedule and developed it into a habit. I arose early to read, then did warm-up exercises and calisthenics for half an hour. Afterward, I ran my three miles and thought about what I’d read, where my priorities were, and what I wanted to do about them.

After a year, I realized it was my vision that had been short, not my potential. I committed to another year of the same conditioning, then voiced my goal. As my family sat at the dinner table, I announced my decision to enter the 10K. Turning to my son who was almost sixteen I asked, “Marcus, will you run with me in the race?”

“How far’s that?” he questioned with an I-don’t-think-I-want-to-be-involved look.

I replied, “6.2 miles.”

“I don’t know, Mom. That’s a long way,” he said shaking his head.

“It could help with your endurance and speed for football. Will you?” I asked again.

“Well, I guess so,” came the quiet reply. And there it was, my committed goal stated and Marcus’ too!

The next 11 months I paced my running to shorten my time per mile, and increased the distance. I included bicycling in my weekly workout, giving me variety and building different muscles. As I increased my distance, I realized I could have met my goal sooner if I had only conceived it earlier. It wasn’t any harder to run four miles now than it had been to run three. To a certain extent, it was just a matter of mind-set.

Race day brought an air of excitement. I was at the rear but slowly inched my way forward. By the third mile I came upon my football-player son, obviously struggling to continue, his pride and determination pushing him on. By the end of the fourth mile I was really hurting too. At the fifth mile I just wanted it to be over! I tried to remember my goal, my commitment, and determined I was not going to quit.  I could see the finish line, the crowd cheering. As I crossed the line, I looked for my time.  It was slower than I’d hoped.

My thoughts immediately went to Marcus, and I began running back to find him. He had not stopped. He said he hurt, but was keeping his commitment to finish the race. We both came across the finish line, then walked in shuffles, bent over with our hands on our hips. Within minutes our family was around us lending congratulations. We ate oranges and visited with other runners until awards were given.

We cheered with pride when Marcus was awarded the second-place trophy for males age 15 to 19. The winner of my age category crossed the line 14 minutes before me. Oh, it made me tired just thinking about it.

What’s that? I thought as I heard them award the second-place trophy to a woman who ran over the finish line literally steps in front of me. My name was called... third. Imagine that! I said to myself. If I had gathered just enough reserve to put a little kick in right at the end, I could have made second place! With a little more training I’ll bet I could to it.

And there it was, another goal in the making!

I mention this experience because it is so true to most things that happen to us in life. First, we rationalize our level of performance and criticize those who do more than we do. Second, if we open our eyes and it’s something we want, we see that if we cut the elephant into bite-size pieces, so to speak, we can eat the elephant too. And third, we all have a reserve we’re not aware of and are capable of much more than we think we are.

I’ve run a lot of races since then. If I hadn’t been willing to move out of my comfort zone, I wouldn’t have realized I had the potential to do more. If I hadn’t set a goal and paced out a plan and then worked that plan with zeal, I would never have enjoyed the thrill of hitting one of my personal bull’s eyes! I’m not saying that running a race was a must for me. I’m just saying it was one of those milestone experiences I was able to learn from and build upon.

Among other things, through that process, I learned that when I feel overwhelmed with my challenges and want to give up, or believe that I can’t keep up the pace anymore, I need to slow down, not quit. It doesn’t all have to be done today. I can keep hope and relax a little until the energy builds to pick up the pace again, always reaching for the best that is in me, not comparing myself to someone else or setting myself up to be better than another.

Setting appropriate goals and working a plan to achieve them helps you focus on positive forward movement. Perhaps you want to live in a safe place away from the betrayer. Maybe you want a better job to provide for your family. Possibly you need a more dependable vehicle. Start by writing your goals down.

Then, just as I did with my running, set up a daily schedule to pace yourself to reach those goals. Place your written goals/schedule in front of you where you can look them over and over and over again until they become a part of you. As you nurture the desire to achieve those goals, you’ll find the will to pay the price to make it to the finish line. (More details on goal-setting can be found in Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery by Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, published by Mapletree Publishing Company, pp. 143-152.)

Gary Powell, a natural therapist living on the Sunshine Coast north of Brisbane, Australia, wrote to me about goal-setting:

Gary teaches the necessary techniques of remaining focused and seeing a setback as a challenge, not an obstacle that can't be overcome. “For some individuals,” wrote Gary, “this concept is hard at first. But once they start applying themselves and accept hardship along the way, they toughen up, and soon find they are achievers. That’s how it was with this young couple. Too often in the past they let hardship stop them. But then, the wife came to realize her belief she was an unwanted pregnancy was incorrect, and her life became a lot less stressful. She realized how that one belief had been holding her back in many ways. She set her goals and started in earnest on them.”

Gary worked with this couple to not only set goals, but to maintain a proper focus. They began seeing success in their business endeavors and in their relationship. “With the stress of living on the breadline removed and feeling they were acceptable people, they blossomed. The love they had for each other became obvious, and the tension between them melted away.” Gary declared, “They know how to set realistic goals now, how to have several stepping stones and milestones, and to celebrate little achievements along the way. They recognize that if one stumbles, the other stops to help him or her up. They go on to the goal as a team. No one gets left behind.”

One important thing Gary insisted all of his clients had to learn was to be more thankful. “No matter how bad our circumstances, we always have something to be thankful for,” wrote Gary. “Some people wake up thinking, ‘Another day... Why does it have to happen to me?’ Others wake up thinking, ‘I have another day in which I will achieve something great.’ And others wake up and think nothing at all! The people who look for a new day as an opportunity to succeed at something, no matter how small or large, are the ones who do well in life.

“If you wake up and thank God for a new day, a chance to succeed, you are in front right away. If you get up early and walk fast for 30 minutes, and while walking, think seriously about all you have to be grateful for, and thank God for it, you get home feeling really on top of the world.”

Concluding, Gary remarked, “So a nice, easy goal to set is being grateful every morning. By that I mean really think about your blessings and say thanks for them, not the usual mumbled, ‘We are thankful for our food, clothing, and shelter.’ But offer heartfelt thanks for your skills and talents, your home, your family... name one by one, your freedoms, and so on. Realize that these are indeed blessings and show gratitude any way you can.”

When you set goals, remember the objectives must be yours, not wishes your family or friends have expressed for you. For instance, if divorced, one of your goals may be to develop a healthy, new, spousal relationship. Writing this goal down could not include a specific timeline. However, it could include personal guidelines, and because of your experience, you undoubtedly have strong feelings about what you are looking for. These strong feelings and personal guidelines may not fit the dating profile your friends have established. But by writing them down and keeping them in front of you, you enable yourself to work from a reality checklist instead of just loneliness or emotions.

After two unhealthy relationships, Patricia Baronowski was determined to develop a nourishing relationship. She made a list of subtle (and not so subtle) signs of an abuser. She not only used it in her dating selections but actively shared the list with others. Here are some of the signs she looked for:

• Jealousy
• Obsessive behavior
• Controlling behavior
• Isolation — slowly separating you from coworkers, friends, and family
• Possessive behavior — insisting he/she be with you every moment
• Lacking reasonable patience
• Disparaging attitude toward parents
• Unreasonable invasion of privacy
• Pushy association — demanding knowledge of and the opportunity to meet all your friends
• Derogatory statements — putting you down to lower your confidence and self esteem or to appear superior to children
• Sole financial decision maker
• Unrestrained spender
• Conniving, manipulative actions
• Lacking integrity
• Leery of open associations — unwilling to introduce you to his/her family and friends
• Absent people search — unable to find information about him/her, like former addresses, prior jobs, record of education, etc.
• No job history

One of the items I would add to that list (turning it to the positive) is accountability — is he/she willing to admit when he/she is wrong, accept and own his/her mistakes, and apologize?

Whatever your goals, be willing to move out of your comfort zone and allow your goals to define your sense of purpose. Keep your perspective — handle today what you can do today. Start slowly, pace steadily, so you can finish strongly — like the fabled turtle. When you set goals and achieve them, you gain a sense of value and respect for yourself, and you feel more in control of your life. But don’t be afraid to experience the richness of the process of accomplishing those goals. Achieving the end goal is simply a by-product of developing a healthy, vibrant, resourceful lifestyle. Focus on what you can do instead of on what you cannot. Achieve your goals by reflecting on the past, having the vision of tomorrow, and the doing of today.