Meridian Magazine :: Articles: Finding Peace When a Loved One Dies

By the Mental Health Resource Foundation

The death of a loved one is devastating regardless of the age, the economic situation of the family, the number of siblings, or even the depth and understanding of the Gospel. There is often an emptiness in the heart and longing in the soul for the part of you that is gone.

Although the circumstances of the death may vary, the anguish is real and the grieving manifests itself in different ways, and through different time frames. Just as each situation is different, so is the healing. There is the infant who died at birth, the mother and father whose missionary son is killed just before he is scheduled to come home, the toddler who drowns, or the adolescent who commits suicide. The list is endless, and the memories linger on. No one is immune from the emotions associated with a loved-one dying.

There are a variety of resources in helping members of the LDS Church cope with death. They include Grief and Loss on the LDS Family Services Site Provident Living; Grief on the official LDS Church website; and of course LDS Resources on Suicide and Death on the Mental Health Resource Foundation's website.

One of the best resources for coping with the death of a child is located In the book Helping and Healing our Families John Craig and LouAnn Newell Christensen author the article, “Surviving the Death of A Child; It Takes Courage to Believe.” In it, they share their experience in grieving the loss of their three children, Carrie (16), Sarah (14) killed in an automobile accident, and Robin who died at sixteen of Neisseria meningitdis.

Brother Christensen relates the following:

For me, the night our two daughters died changed every thing. I would never be the same, feel the same, or be completely at ease again. And even more significantly, neither would the rest of my family. My grief began with outrage. How could a God of life be so contemptuous of me? What possible wrong could I have committed that would bring such ruthless destruction to my family? It hit me with a blunt force hard enough that even after eighteen years I still experience an ache that threatens to undo me, to expel me from among the faithful.

Yet I have not yet given in to the demons of discouragement or succumbed to spiritual death — not even when six years later that “awful monster” death (2 Nephi 9:10) came again to my home... Outrage again temporarily replaced acceptance of the eternal plan. A sense of injustice and victimization took over my consciousness. “Why me?” But this time there was a “Why not me?”

Through yet another siege of overwhelming sadness, way beyond my ability to endure, I remained confused, disoriented, and perpetually dissatisfied with my life, but I didn’t and haven’t quit. Instead, I reach for the Comforter; I pray for peace nightly and I take heart in the promises extended by the Savior of the world. I would like to say that I have found peace, but I only can embrace acceptance so far; acceptance of the Lord’s will, and the comfort that my Father in Heaven holds my children in my stead. I cling to the knowledge that God has lovingly assigned each person a time to die (see D&C 42:48). My daughters’ time has come and passed.

Some days I recognize that my life has gradually evolved into being a little easier, a little smoother, a little better... I hold as sacred the knowledge of the opportunity to be with them and have them again, but not through magic, or a dream, but rather through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That is what I hold to. It is part of my iron rod. It stills my soul. It lifts me above the seemingly inconsolable torment of losses and replaces the torment with a vision, sometimes a fleeting vision, of a brighter day, reunion sweet. It is enough for me so far.

Brother Christensen is a family therapist who works with many who want to make sense of the loss of their a child. He states, in summary, to survive and even be strengthened through the death of a child he suggests the following:

Constantly work to strengthen your testimony of the gospel We strengthen our testimony through going to church (even though we sometimes don’t feel like it), by continually saying our prayers (even though we may feel no one is listening to us), by striving to read the scriptures often (even when, or especially when, we don’t want to), and by struggling to live the commandments (even though we often make mistakes). These behaviors build a spiritual resiliency that helps us face severe challenges, such as the death of a child. Through this process we’ll gain strength to take each challenge one at a time, consistently striving to do better with every step forward, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.
Reach out to others Service to others is salve to the wounds of loss. For as the Savior promised, “He that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matthew 10:39)
Have Faith in God’s plan By having the courage and faith to believe that God is mindful of us and by trusting in His eternal plan, we are given the strength necessary to survive any trauma, even the death of a child. By understanding His unconditional love for us, we are assured of His care and concern. Putting forth positive words and actions demonstrates our complete faith in Him that brings healing to our souls.

In the Article, “Chronic Illness, Death and Grieving: Pathways to Healing” from the book Helping and Healing our Families, Elaine Marshall and D. Russell Crane discuss bereavement and encourage that grief is a normal response to death. Grieving is how we come to own the sorrow of our loss in order to carry on with life. Healing does not automatically follow intense suffering or sorrow. Grieving requires effort. We must "work" toward healing.

There are a number of predictable elements of the grieving process. Although these components appear discrete, they do not usually follow a linear stage-to-stage progression. Most often, one flows back and forth from stage to stage, sometimes beginning again, sometimes jumping forward for a time. How we grieve is personal and individual. The grieving process takes time and should not be hurried. The duration of time is different for each individual and family situation. There is not a set timetable for "stages" to be reached, but it can be helpful to be aware of some indications of grief and to consider that intense emotions and swift mood swings are normal.

Denial is usually the first reaction to death or serious illness. We refuse to believe what has happened. Feeling emotionally numb is often a primary reaction to a loss, and may last for a few hours, days, or longer. In some ways, this numbness can help one get through the practical arrangements and family pressures that surround the funeral, but if this phase goes on for too long, problems may emerge in resolving the loss.

Anger sometimes accompanies denial, and can manifest itself in many ways. We may blame others for our loss. We may feel agitated and find it difficult to concentrate, relax, or sleep. We may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments we had with the person, or on emotions and words we wish we had expressed. We may become angry with the lost loved one for leaving us This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence, and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, we may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the lost loved one. We may even become angry with ourselves. It is important not to turn this anger inward. It may be helpful to talk about it with a trusted friend. Recognition of anger is important to cope with grief.

Attempts at bargaining are indicators of grief. We may try to bargain with ourselves or with God. We may offer something to try to take away the reality or pain of what has happened. We may try to make a deal to have our loved one back as he or she was before the tragic event occurred. For example, we may try to promise greater personal obedience in exchange for the recovery of a loved one from a terminal illness.

Depression can accompany loss. This is often a most difficult stage. There can be feelings of listlessness and fatigue, with periods of bursting into tears. Feelings of a lack of purpose to life may arise. Guilt feelings, or feelings of being punished, are common. Pleasure and joy can be gone for a time. Professional counseling may help persons with these feelings to preserve emotional health.

Acceptance or resolution is ultimately part of the work of grief. We realize that life goes on, and the pain of the loss of the loved one becomes more manageable and less intense. Ultimately, grief is a process of sorting. One author gave this description:

Grieving is bits of many things-memories, regrets. reminders... And each bit has to be gone through. Patiently, silently, painfully, as one goes through old papers in a long-forgotten trunk, considering each one separately, remembering, assigning it to some new box within our hearts. Healing, too, is [comprised of] bits of many things — smiles that multiply as the days pass; chilling remembrances turned warm by the returning sun; new loves. A day will come when there will be more bits of healing than of grieving, and reasons for joy will begin to pile up in the freshly-swept rooms of our lives.

During times of grief, it is important to ask for help from family, friends, or a support group. Try to recognize and express feelings of anger, guilt, or sadness. Accept that some things, like death, are beyond your control. Avoid making major decisions for a time, since judgment may change with the stress of grief. People need time and space to grieve. Over time, you may gradually "become one" with your loss. The loss does not disappear, but you accept it and learn to trust God and the reality of eternal life and reunion with your loved ones.

The experience of grieving the death of a loved one offers an exceptional and often bittersweet opportunity for families to come together to celebrate the life of the deceased person. Finding ways to memorize the lost one can help to bring the family together in positive ways.

How we help others who are grieving is especially important. In general, the best thing to do is spend time with them and listen to them talk about their loss. Offer practical help, such as cooking dinner, shopping for food, or washing the car. For a grieving person, it is difficult to focus on everyday tasks. Finally, if the person is reacting in extreme ways for a prolonged period, encourage him or her to seek professional help. More information on coping with death and suicide can be found at www.MentalHealthLibrary.info.