Umbrage. What a powerfully evocative word. Umbrage. A toad of a word dressed up in a tuxedo and a too-tight bow tie. When somebody is insulted, they often take umbrage. The problem is when we take umbrage there is nowhere to take it. It is a word for an emotion that is all dressed up with nowhere to go.

When we perceive ourselves to be insulted and take umbrage — take offense — we are forced to carry it around inside of us. The longer we fuel our anger over the insult, the heavier umbrage weighs within us until it becomes an anchor, dragging us down and crushing our spirit.

Feeding and Care of Umbrage

The knowledge of the damage done by umbrage is not new. Even before the birth of Christ, Roman general and politician Marcus Antonius declared, “Consider how much more you suffer from your anger than for those very things for which you are angry.”

If another driver cuts us off on the freeway while on our way to work, we are startled and upset. This is especially true if the unthinking actions of the other driver almost cause us to have an accident. We respond to this insult by honking our horn, shaking our fist, and often calling the other driver’s heritage and intelligence into question.

By immediately taking umbrage we lose control. We want to chase the other driver down, cut him off and let him know how it feels. When we get to work, we complain loudly about what this idiot did to us. We never seem to remember how fast we were going, how we chose to ignore the other driver’s flashing indicator, or how if we hadn’t been changing CDs, putting on make-up, or eating our breakfast McMuffin, we might have exercised a little driving courtesy and awareness and avoided the incident all together.

By the time we arrive home, our umbrage has escalated. The compact that cut us off has now become an SUV, and it was only the brilliance of our Formula One racing skills that saved us from a fiery crash. We are feeding our umbrage, justifying carrying its weight around with us.

This one incident has colored our whole day, while the driver who cut us off is totally unaware of the anger festering within us. Our umbrage in this case, however, does not stop us from getting on the freeway again the next morning — after all, we have to get to work don’t we?

By comparison, we can have the same reaction when we are traveling on the spiritual highway – someone says or does something causing us to slam on the brakes of our testimony and veer toward the shoulder of the straight and narrow path.

Often we become angry and take umbrage in these situations. We react by no longer going to church, blaming the person who cut us off for keeping us away. Unlike the secular situation, where we get back on the freeway the next day to return to work, we refuse to get back on the spiritual highway and complete our journey back to our Heavenly Father.

Justification?

“But wait,” you say. “I was driving the speed limit. The other driver didn’t use his signal. He cut me off because he is an idiot and should have his driver’s license revoked!” Or conversely, “How can that person at church do/say what they did. They are stupid and should have their Christianity revoked!”

While the comparison may be exaggerated, in reality it is often not too far from the mark. When we take umbrage at insults – when we expect action to be taken, or apologies offered, before we free ourselves from the bindings of anger – we give up our free agency and turn power over our eternal progression to another.

Unfortunately, being insulted in some fashion within our wards or stakes is almost inevitable. However, Elder Marion D. Hanks of the Presidency of the Seventy has counseled us that our reactions in these situations can adversely affect our eternal progression; “What is our response when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent, become bitter, hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem if we can, forgive, and rid ourselves of the burden. The nature of our response to such situations may well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and eternally.”

Umb-Rage

If we look at the last four letters of umbrage, we find the meaning at the heart of the word – rage. Rage is uncontrolled anger. Instead of being in charge of our anger, when we take umbrage we lose control and let rage rule. We cut ourselves off from the spirit and wander blindly through the landscape of our actions.

English essayist Phyllis Bottome wrote, “There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them.” When we take umbrage, we are neither altering the difficulty, nor changing ourselves. Umbrage only allows us to hide behind our anger, holding hands with the Adversary and refusing to let go of our pride.

Avoideing Umbrage

It is virtually impossible to follow the Lord’s light while carrying grudges. Once we have taken umbrage, we begin a quest not for reconciliation, but for vindication – and in some cases vengeance. We quickly forget the Church is for “the perfecting of the saints” and not – as Neal A. Maxwell reminds us – “a well-provisioned rest home for the already perfected.” If we understand the reality of the Lord placing us here to work with each other, even in our imperfections, we can further perceive mistakes will inevitably be made. If we incorporate this knowledge into our attitude, we are far less likely to take umbrage over an insult. We will also come to understand that each of us, however unintentionally, will at some time cause another to be hurt.

When he was called to be a bishop, a friend once told me he received counsel from the stake president that as a bishop he should expect to offend everybody in the ward at least once. So, in the rough and tumble of the kingdom, we will inevitably bump and be bumped. But there are steps we can take to lessen the pain and avoid the weight of umbrage.

First we need to become secure in ourselves. Self-esteem builds an armor difficult for insults to penetrate. If we are comfortable in our skin despite our looks, intellectual challenges, clothing, or other circumstances, we can deflect those barbs designed to insult our outward appearances. Knowing you are a child of Heavenly Father, that we agreed in the pre-existence to accept this body, these circumstances, and these personal challenges, can make the bearing of them something of which to be proud instead of ashamed.

Avoiding umbrage can also be as easy as making sure we’ve actually been insulted. Sometimes this is easy. Other times we may need to look beyond the immediate hurt and examine to the intent (or lack of intent) wrapped around the perceived injury.

In James 1:19-20, we are counseled with the words, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” Managing our anger, taking time to consider if words of criticism – no matter how harshly stated – possibly have value, can save us from needlessly destroying relationships.

Avoid retaliation. A recent Dear Abby column provided the insight, “People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.” Retaliation will only make a bad situation worse – the daily news, filled with “wars and rumors or wars,” should make this abundantly clear.

Beware of desiring revenge. Chinese philosopher Confucius advised, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves.” If we can curb the desires of the natural man, if we can forgo revenge in favor of forgiveness our souls will soar. Revenge not only hurts the intended target, but drags us away from the Lord’s love and guidance.

When relationships have gone awry as the result of one party causing a rift, we should seek reconciliation – even if we are the injured party. If our attempts are rebuffed, so be it, as we have used our agency to do what is right and have not torn the rift wider.

The Other Side of the Coin

There is a flip side to the challenges of handling insults and hurts in an appropriate manner. Often we can find ourselves not on the receiving end, but the actual source of the offending behavior. Once we are aware our actions have caused injury, whether intentionally or unintentionally, we must attempt to salve it before umbrage sets in and even more damage is done.

Many of us deliver insults dressed up as constructive criticism. LDS psychologist Dr. John Lund labels this term an oxymoron – constructive meaning to build up, while criticism to tear down. If criticism is not sought, it should not be given – and it should certainly not be given in an arrogant or demeaning manner.

Author and ethicist Michael Josephson tells a parable about Will, a nine year old with a bad temper and a hurtful tongue. To help Will gain self-control, his grandfather would make him hammer a two inch nail all the way into a four-by-four board whenever his temper got the better of him. For a young boy this was an arduous task. Eventually, he became more careful about the words he chose, even apologizing for the hurts he caused.

At this point, Will’s grandmother made him bring her the board with the nails in it and asked him to pull them all out. Anyone who has attempted this knows the task is even harder than hammering the nails home. Hugging the young boy, his grandmother told him she appreciated his apologies and forgave him. However, she then went on to explain an apology was like pulling out one of the nails – there are holes left behind and the board will never be the same again.

If we realize our words or actions have driven a nail into another, we must quickly humble ourselves. Michael Josephson goes on to tell us, “Thank you and I’m sorry are amazingly powerful phrases. Sincere gratitude is a gift that makes acts of kindness, devotion, or generosity seem worthwhile. An apology from the heart goes a long way to releasing resentment, anger, or even contempt.”

This is never more true than when dealing with our youth. If we as adult leaders do or say something – no matter how well intended or justified – to which a young man or young woman reacts with offense, we must move to rectify the situation as quickly as possible.

Proverbs 18:19 tells us “a brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city.” The last thing we want to see happen is a youth become inactive because we are too proud to humble ourselves and take the first step toward reconciliation.

Conversely, it is incumbent upon an offended youth to avoid umbrage and humbly move beyond the hurt, even if the leader is not acting in an adult or compassionate manner. We only have agency over our own actions, not those of others, and there is a time for all of us to step onto the higher road.

Neal A. Maxwell tells us, “if the choice is between reforming another Church member or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to keep our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others – not the other way around.”

The Long View

In the words of the our Lord recorded in Luke 7:23, “Blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended.” Given this guidance, it is clear we must take steps to both avoid taking umbrage and causing it in others. To do so, we should practice being kind, loving, and forgiving with every chance presented to us.