What Values Are You Willing
to Defend?
By Fay A. Klingler
To take appropriate action in recovering
from betrayal, you must know what is important to you. More
than just what you believe in, you must know what values you
are willing to firmly defend. Begin by defining your beliefs
and values. Then determine what you want from the relationship.
As Mahatma Gandhi
said, “We must be the change we wish to see.” Making that change,
however, does not come about without plan or effort, and in
the process, you might need to accept some new things about
yourself. These new ideas or self-concepts can be formulated
by creating a Bill of Rights for yourself. Keep in mind that
these personal rights are based on respect for self, not selfishness.
In other words, these rights do not infringe on the rights of
others. (Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery
by Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, published by Mapletree
Publishing Company, p. 119.)
What are your values? What
is important to you? What do you believe are your
rights?
Do you believe in your right to
feel safe and secure and to seek support from others? Do you
value your right, in a relationship, to have a say in money
decisions and to benefit from financial arrangements? Are you
willing to defend your right to make a move that’s critical
to you without waiting for permission from someone else?
Do you have the courage to defend
your value of integrity to the point that you live it no matter
what your friends or spouse choose to do? What about your treatment
of others (which means, in turn, your treatment of self and
how you allow others to treat you)? Where do you stand on the
value of morality, lack of debt, or appreciation of family?
What about your right to worship and obey God’s laws regardless
of what others may say, think, or feel about you? (More information
on developing your personal Bill of Rights can be found on pages
120–123 in Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery.)
In a relationship, first you
must know what you stand for and are willing to defend. It’s
not until you reach that point that you can begin to stop abuse.
Your behavior shows when you know what you stand for, what your
values and rights are. Even your body language tells others
how you feel about defending your rights.
Marsha Franklin suggests
one way to determine what you value. “I have a belief,” said
Marsha, “that if you want to know what your values are,
look at where you spend your money and your time. So many people
say they value their families, yet they are not spending time
with them. Their children get little attention and, sadly, their
spouse gets even less. Some say the gospel is most precious
to them, yet they are breaking their covenants and not keeping
commandments.
“When I think about an individual’s
willingness to defend his or her values,” continued Marsha,
“I think of the right to personal revelation. When I am living
worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost, and I receive
an answer to a prayer, I will defend that answer regardless
of how unpopular it may be. I also defend the right to raise
my children in an environment that is safe, honest, and welcoming
to the Spirit. Being a convert to the Church, I had to defend
my right to worship the way I wanted and join the church of
my choosing. If I ever decide to remarry, it will be in the
temple, and I defend my right to do so, even if that means my
family can not be present.”
Using safety precautions and practices,
determine to live in harmony with your values and beliefs. The
courage to act in accordance with your convictions enables you
to find peace. It is always a source of power and self-respect,
putting you on a sure path to recovery.
