Meridian Magazine :: Articles: Accountability

Accountability—What Part Do You Play?
By Fay A. Klingler

In previous articles I have addressed:

The signs of betrayal
The need to see things as they really are
The necessity to act in safety
And the power of support groups.

Today I address the topic of accountability in the process of betrayal recovery.

“Although it’s true that there are times betrayed individuals are merely bystanders, rarely could they be considered completely innocent. More often than not, they have failed to do something, or have done something to contribute to the betrayal. That statement may be hard for you to accept, and rather than look at your error, you may find it easier and more comforting to point out the faults of the other person. But what good does that do? Does it change the fact that you were betrayed or move you out of the betrayer’s reach? No. To safely move forward, you must take your head out of the sand and look at your actions or failure to act.” You must be accountable for your part!

“Did you use poor judgment staying in the relationship just because you didn’t want to be alone? Were you unwilling to stand up for yourself or leave because even though it was an abusive relationship, you were committed, it was familiar ground, or you knew what to expect? Did you allow your need for attachment to rule, causing you to tolerate repeated, abusive treatment? Did you feel you were unworthy of being treated with respect? Did you lose sight of who you are—a son or daughter of God—and fail to respect yourself?” (Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery by Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, published by Mapletree Publishing Company, pp. 114–115.)

Self-evaluation can be a painful process. But clearly seeing your part in the betrayal is just as important as being aware and accepting the betraying actions of the other person. Stop thinking so much on the wrong done to you. Focus now on your contribution to the betrayal and what is within your power to change.

Keep in mind the betrayer may try to make you believe you are totally at fault, twisting information to make it appear you are the sole cause of the problem. If you have not done so before now, write down the specific information you discovered regarding the betrayal. “Not the hearsay and rumors. . . . Write down the facts you gathered. If claims are made to the contrary, and the tension of the moment causes you to feel confused, this information will act as your reality checklist.” (Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery by Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, published by Mapletree Publishing Company, p. 47.)

That reality checklist helps you remain in the real world and trust yourself. Relinquish any responsibility for the fraudulent behavior of the other person. But own your part, even if that part was only that you did not protect yourself, that you allowed it to happen, or that you enabled the other person to betray you. Own your part and hold the other person accountable for his or her part. You can blame no one else for your poor judgment or bad behavior. Remember, you both have agency. What did you do with yours then and what are you going to do with yours now?

Often the cycle of abuse and/or betrayal includes the issue of control and power. If you are clear on the role you play in that cycle, and you choose to change your course to a more healthy, self-respecting pattern of behavior, you become less prone to be a victim of your betrayer’s manipulation. Your viewpoint of his or her actions becomes more realistic, freeing you from undeserving guilt.

Following betrayal, Melody Bower wrote, “I really struggled with shame. But now I’ve moved away from shame and struggle between humiliation and embarrassment most of the time. Some days are better than others. Every once in a while, the humiliation of being used is overwhelming! Missing all those red flags! Focusing on my part makes me feel worse. That I was a part to my own degradation is really hard to handle. It was bad enough that I put myself at risk. That I put my children at risk is hard to forgive.”

Although my response to Melody refers to betrayal in marriage, the advice fits any other betraying act. I responded to her with the following: “Melody, you are human! You probably did the best you could do. My father used to say to me, ‘Fay, no one can ask more of you than your best.’ That means me also. I cannot expect more of myself than my best. I did the best I could do with the knowledge I had at the time. And I wanted with all my heart to have my marriage be eternal. I truly wanted the ideal. It took so many straws being broken before I could give up . . . and I had made it look so very good by then that it was difficult for people to believe me . . . well, of course my family believed me, but I mean other people. At any rate, it was embarrassing. My first thought was, I failed to make it work. Then I realized, WE failed to make it work. And yes, part of that failure was purely my fault. But I do know my heart was in the right place, and I felt I was honest with him and with everyone I knew. There are times when it still gets to me. Then I try to bring to mind that statement from my dad—‘No one can ask more of you than your best.’ And I just lift my chin and face life trying to do my best with the knowledge I have today!”

Through the course of our conversations, Melody replied with, “I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I will be judged by a perfect being who knows the intent of my heart! That gives me comfort. Even if I make mistakes, the Lord knows I never intended to, and my heart was in the right place. It gives me such relief.”

What was your part? What was the intent of your heart? Are there wrongs you can redress? No one can ask more of you than your best. Are changes necessary in your pattern of behavior? Remember, you have agency. What are you going to do with yours now?