Acceptance — See Things for What They Really Are
By Fay A. Klingler

Editor’s note:  This is the third article in a series on dealing with betrayal.  Read the first article here

Last month I was invited to speak in Arizona. My message was about how to recognize the signs of a betrayer and how to recover from betrayal. The message was to be delivered on a Thursday evening.

The Tuesday morning prior to the event, a feature article about me, and the fact that I was coming to speak, appeared in the Arizona Republic newspaper. Shortly after that article was released, an individual at the location where I was to speak received a threatening phone call. The caller referred to the article, gave my name, and was so abusive and threatening that the man receiving the call immediately contacted the local police.

Then I was contacted. In an excited voice, a third party said, “We just received a threatening phone call about you and your coming to speak. Do you know anyone in Arizona who would like to hurt you? The police have requested any pictures that might help them identify...”

At that point, I was fully aware something uncomfortable, even frightening, had happened, and that I had become a target. My fear was apparent. Tears fell and moistened my cheeks, and I felt emotionally paralyzed.

Grief is a result following any type of loss, especially the loss of heartfelt expectations destroyed by betrayal. In this instance, I certainly felt betrayed and grieved. Shock, denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, and sadness are often companions to betrayal and grief. And it was evening before I overcame my shock and emotional distress and began to think with my brain.

In my last article, the second of this series, I wrote about the first step in the recovery process — awareness — and the signs of a betrayer. The second step in betrayal recovery is acceptance. Discovering that you’ve been betrayed and accepting it are two different things. Let me use a broken leg as an example to illustrate the difference.

You fall, and it is obvious your leg is broken — awareness. But do you accept the ramifications of your condition? No, not at first. Acceptance doesn’t come until you experience the pain and work through the reality of necessary change. To accept something, you must come to know the facts for what they really are.

Will the leg heal with a brace or need surgery? Will you be completely immobilized, and if so, for how long? As time passes, you may experience extreme fatigue just from the effort it takes to use crutches to climb a stair. Your armpits may become sore and your hands callused. If it is your right leg, you may not be able to drive. Maybe the leg will never heal correctly, and you will have to learn to live and function in pain.

Acceptance can only occur when you make a conscious choice to gather the facts and face them with action. This means you must:

1. Emotionally disconnect and think with your brain, looking objectively at your situation and behavior.
2. Let go of controlling what you see.
3. Ask questions.
4. Stop immobilizing yourself with excessive fear; step back, and think.

Then you can appropriately evaluate the actions necessary to effectively cope with your reality, whether it be a broken leg or abusive behavior — like a threatening phone call. With acceptance comes a more realistic perspective, aiding you to make proper choices to protect yourself (if necessary, to remove yourself from unsafe situations or unhealthy relationships).

Now back to my situation in Arizona — I was aware there was a threatening phone call. When the shock wore off that evening and I began to think with my brain instead of my emotions (#1 above), I realized the third party who conveyed the message to me might have been very anxious and was not in a position to give me objective information. I needed to know what specific threats the caller made and what security had actually been arranged for.

Wednesday morning I contacted the man who actually received the call. He explained that there was no specific threat like, “I’m going to kill her.” However, the caller was abusive in language, expressed his message in an extremely threatening tone, and seemed to know me very well. The man who received the call said the language was so foul he would not repeat it.

Okay. Now I could let go of controlling what I saw (#2 above). My imagination could step aside for me to see a more realistic view. I called a friend of mine who works at the state Attorney General’s office. She advised me to take precautions. She had been a target in the past. More than likely the person making the call was all mouth and there would be no incident. But because there was no way to know, my friend suggested making sure there would be adequate security.

The management of the facility had arranged with the local police to come and go through the evening the night I was to speak. They felt that would not frighten the workshop participants as much as having an officer in the room.

My step-son used to drive an armored truck. So he offered to let me borrow his bullet-proof vest. I decided wearing that would provide some peace of mind for me and my family. So I planned my wardrobe around that.

As she signs books in Phoenix, the author’s loose clothing conceals a bullet-proof vest.

One daughter, who lives in Arizona, called to say, “Mom, I don’t want you to just be stubborn and come down here. I don’t want you to give your message unless you have prayed about it and feel that it is safe and the right thing to do.” Good advice. I did, and I felt complete peace and comfort. I felt assured that I would be safe and all would turn out fine.

Another daughter mentioned something about her patriarchal blessing to me and it reminded me of a phrase in my blessing, regarding safety. So I read that again, which gave me added comfort.

In an attempt to help the police, I began asking questions (#3 above). I contacted a daughter, who had been in an abusive relationship. My husband and I essentially rescued her. We discussed the whereabouts of her former spouse and any likelihood the caller could be him. We decided it was a distinct possibility, but we had no concrete evidence. I also contacted a woman whom I had never met in person, living in a distant state. She contributed to my book, Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery. Her former husband was a batterer, and I wanted to find out where he was. I knew at one point he had moved to Arizona. She said she didn’t think it could be him but she would do some checking for me. Her former husband had married again while living in Arizona and that wife also had divorced him for abuse. The first wife contacted the second wife, and after consulting, they agreed it was unlikely he was the caller. The second wife, who lived in Arizona, was excited to hear I was coming to speak and felt strongly about attending my workshop. So in the end, I did not have a good lead as to who the person was that called with abusive language and a threatening tone.

That Thursday morning, I was to appear on a live segment on local (Arizona) television. I feared my appearance would simply fuel anger in the non-identified caller, and that it might put me at additional risk. But I decided to not allow my fear to immobilize me (#4 above). I thought about the feelings I received from my prayers and the assurance I felt of my safety. Then went ahead with the television segment.

Thursday night, wearing my bullet-proof vest, I gave my workshop feeling confident and safe. I felt Heavenly Father empowering me to give a meaningful message that would make a difference to the people packed in that meeting room. Their responses confirmed my feelings; there was no incident, and I truly felt I was an instrument in Heavenly Father’s hands.

As you stop and think with your brain instead of your emotions, and you lean on Heavenly Father for direction, acknowledgement and acceptance of your reality can be a comforting result. Finding ways to successfully manage fear and positively channel anger can bring about the yearned-for, pain-free hope that is necessary and must be the second step for a full recovery.