Becoming Aware of Betrayal
By Fay A. Klingler

Editor’s note:  This is one of a series of articles about recovering from betrayal.  Read the first article here.

First, let me say thank you to all who responded to my previous article about recovering from betrayal. My heart aches for those who have been hurt. And it swells with joy to hear from so many who continue to put in the effort to heal and find happiness in their lives.

Recorded statistics indicate that more men betray women than the other way around. However, this is truly not a favored gender issue. I received responses from betrayed men as well as women. And this is not just an issue of infidelity in spousal relationships. Some of you wrote about family members betraying you financially. Some wrote about the loss of confidences, broken promises, pornography, and character assassination. Betrayal happens in all walks of life and in all types of relationships — business, family, neighbors, and friends.

I stated before that the first step in recovering from betrayal is awareness.

It is fitting that this subject appears this month. October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

So how do you become aware? How do you spot betrayal?

Let me give you a simple definition of betrayal. “Betrayal is defined as the act of not being loyal to a person who believes you are loyal to him or her, often by doing something that hurts that person … One definition of perfidy sums up well the act of betrayal: A deliberate breach of faith; a calculated violation of trust.” (Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery, Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, p. xxi.)

To recognize betrayal, you have to think with your brain in gear instead of just reacting to your wishes (of what you want life to be) and your emotions. You have to be willing to see and feel the reality of what is happening around you. So often in relationships we want everything to be smooth. We want so badly for it to be like the ideal that we’ve been taught and envisioned that we refuse to see. Even though signs are there, we choose to deny reality’s existence.

In some cases, (over time and practice) the betrayer develops such skill in deceit and manipulation the signs become seemingly invisible or undetectable. And yet, even then, if the betrayed listens with his or her heart and asks Heavenly Father for discernment, those signs can become obvious.

Here are a few signs you might look for:

·         His or her words do not match his or her actions.
·         He or she is unreasonably defensive and resistant to open communication or participation.
·         He or she minimizes the problem while attempting to maximize the focus somewhere else.
·         He or she uses unreasonable entitlement as a means of justifying behavior.
·         He or she becomes unreasonably agitated or uses force, either real or implied.

I am not referring to the occasional forgetfulness, loss of temper, or sullen mood. Please be cautious. Many relationships that at first appear doomed can still bloom when patience and proper communication are practiced consistently. What I am talking about, regarding betrayal, is a destructive pattern of behavior observed over time, like a trail of lies, or as one responder put it, a “web of lies [that] seemed so familiar … to me.” Look back at the definition of perfidy — “A deliberate breach of faith; a calculated violation of trust.” Betrayal is not an accident. It takes planning and forethought.

As you begin to recognize the signs of betrayal, ask questions (in a safe environment) of the person you believe has betrayed you. And ask questions of others who might help clarify your suspicions. Often the betrayer’s deceitful path comes from a lust for power and control. As you question the betrayer and others, the truth will come to the surface. If it is betrayal, the betrayer will lose control as his or her deceptions unravel. The betrayer will no longer be able to consistently cover his or her actions with a blanket of disguise.

Do not dismay. As the truth comes to light, it is not necessarily the end of the relationship. But rest assured; it is definitely a time where decisions of consequence are made. Whether you confront the betrayer and defend your values or you choose to be silent, you are still making a decision of consequence.

Do you ever wonder why certain stories were included in the Book of Mormon? The prophets have repeatedly stated the Book of Mormon is for our day. One of the many types of examples provided to us over and over again in Book of Mormon stories is that of deceitful and designing men. (Now remember, the stories and examples in the scriptures are for all. That means they pertain to both men and women!)

When you read about Korihor in the Book of Alma, you learn about someone who chose to lie enough that he believed his own lies. Giddianhi (in 3 Nephi) used coercion, demands, and threats. Nehor (in the Book of Alma) also used coercion expanded to physical violence. Sherem (in the Book of Jacob) used flattery and his great power of speech. Flattery is mentioned in conjunction with many of the Book of Mormon betrayers. King Noah (in the Book of Mosiah) was vain and used flattering words. Amalikiah (in the Book of Alma) was cunning and used flattery.

Bruce R. McConkie states in Mormon Doctrine (p. 287) that “flattery is the act of ingratiating oneself into another’s confidence by excessive praise, or by insincere speech and acts. It includes the raising of false and unfounded hopes; there is always an element of dishonesty attending it.” Does that describe something you have discovered and experienced?

As you become aware of the signs of betrayal in your relationships and safely and properly act to determine the reality of your situation, you will gain the ability, power, and energy to take the necessary actions that will bring about positive change in your life.