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A Deluge Of
Showers
by
Clark L. and Kathryn H. Kidd
For
as long as we’ve been writing about ward activities for Meridian,
nothing we’ve written has touched such a nerve as the subject of
bridal and baby showers. People have a love-hate relationship with
them. Some people can’t get enough showers, others want them banned,
and most people are right in the middle. But it seems that everyone
has a pet peeve about showers or a suggestion as to how showers
can be improved, or an experience where feelings were hurt, and
many of you wrote to tell us so. Other than a few readers who suggested
slow, torturous ways we should die (preferably soon), most of you
who wrote had something interesting that could benefit shower-givers
and shower recipients alike. If you think you may find yourself
on the giving end of a shower (or hope you will soon be on the receiving
end of one), here is what they had to say:
Pet Peeves about Showers
·
Bishop Joseph Scott
of North Carolina wrote with a situation we’d never encountered.
“The sisters in my ward are bent and determined to have showers
on the Sabbath,” he wrote. “My wife is forever going to them
on a Sunday afternoon. She said that she would hurt people’s
feelings if she didn’t attend. I told her that she could give
them the gift on another day and tell them why she didn’t attend
– it was Sunday! I wish you would write another amendment to this
article and say, ‘KEEP THE SABBATH DAY HOLY. NO WEDDING OR BABY
SHOWERS, PLEASE!’”
·
An anonymous reader
wrote that in her area, people who attend showers are expected to
give more than one gift to the lucky bride. “We are not only expected to
attend a shower, or even two of them, but we also are expected to
take a gift to the wedding as well,” she wrote. “Why the double
hit?” She added that in her area it is the trend to have a “shower
open house,” where people come at their leisure, drop off a gift,
and may never even visit with the prospective bride or expectant
mother. This was just another indication, she added, that the brides
and new mothers are more interested in the loot than they are in
the celebration.
·
Several readers commented
that sexual innuendos are out of place at an LDS shower. Gail Wasden
of Petaluma, CA, said, “Don’t give saucy undies to a temple bride.
This should be a no-brainer,” but it isn’t. In some areas of the
country, a bridal shower means at least one gift of underwear that
does not come from Beehive Clothing Mills. Ladies, if people who
have been through the temple want to wear racy underwear, let them
make the decision. Don’t choose for them.
A reader from Idaho Falls, ID, concurred. “I was hoping you
would mention how inappropriate games with sexual innuendos are
at events sponsored by LDS people,” she wrote. “My two older daughters
attended college in Utah, and the showers they were given had terrible,
embarrassing, sexually based games. All the older women seemed
to think it was just cute, but I was terribly offended they would
make my sweet, temple-worthy daughter the focus of such an event.
Somehow, the situation seems so wrong.”
·
Not all the questionable
entertainment is sexually related. Marjean Livingston from St.
Louis gave us some shocking stories about baby showers. She went
to a shower where “we played some horrible games. The first consisted
of melting assorted chocolate bars into disposable diapers, and
then passing them around so people could guess what the chocolate
bars were.”
“You can add this to the list,” she continued. “We don’t need
to smell or taste baby food or wear tiny diapers with yellow in
them as name tags. All of this is crass and revolting and beneath
the dignity of any woman. Just my humble opinion.” Ours too, Marjean.
Ours, too.
Suggestions for Showers
·
Kathleen Rose wrote
with an excellent idea to help people give shower gifts they can
afford, without getting over their heads. “Often in our area the
invitation will include who is collecting for the group gift,” she
wrote. “That is the individual to whom you can take what ever money
you feel you can afford.” The key to the success of the group gift
is that the card lists all the givers in alphabetical order without
indicating who gave what amount. “We all have times that are difficult,”
she added. “In our ward we try to be especially sensitive because
there are some who are not as blessed as most of us. We love them
and want them to feel included.”
·
Sister Rose also
talked about something that never would have occurred to us – “showers”
given for men. “We have only boys in our family,” she wrote, “so
when the friends of our oldest son began to marry we began giving
what we call a Tool Party. We print up our own invitations
and in the beginning we included a list of suggestions from the
groom of tools, camping gear, or games that he would like.
We really play up the guy thing: We eat on picnic ware, usually
red and white check. We have a special meat chili
and all the toppings. Men have told us many times that they
wished something like this had been done for them as the groom, because
they would have felt included in the wedding festivities.
The dads of both the bride and groom seem to feel it is the only
time they ever get to share in the celebration.”
·
Sandee Spencer of Longwood, Florida
writes, “I totally agree that showers
can get out of hand, but despite that I have one more idea for a
shower. Sometimes a sister leaving on a mission could use some
financial support. It’s a huge surprise to many LDS families how
much expenditure is required just to get their child out the door.
Many of us give cash to help missionaries on their way but it might
be more fun to have a shower. There is a long list of needed items
many of which would be great shower gifts. People could give her
an umbrella, a small hymn book, stockings or other articles of clothing,
a backpack, or other necessary items.”
·
Here is yet another
idea for a shower. A Meridian reader wrote, “My daughter-in-law
is having her third baby. Her neighbors had a baby shower
for her like they do for all the mothers-to-be in the neighborhood.
Since it was her third child the ‘shower’ was a chance to get out
for an evening and have a nice (potluck) dinner. The only presents
she received were diapers for the new baby. My daughter-in-law
said they just all enjoy getting together every so often and this
is a fun reason. The key here being this group of young mothers
want to get together and don’t feel obligated to contribute anything
in the way of a gift.”
·
Cherie Griffith of
Salem, OR, wrote that a great shower alternative for people who
don’t need gifts is to have a different kind of party. She and
her visiting teaching companion organized a “Ladies’ Pool-side Social
– A Celebration of Womanhood and Motherhood” in honor of a friend
who was expecting her ninth child. The social featured a potluck
dessert extravaganza, along with games that had fabulous prizes.
(Note from the Kidds: Always remember those fabulous prizes!)
She wrote, “The one gift that our honoree will receive is a special
guest book that will be written in and signed by those attending
the social and by others who wish to write something to her or her
child to be to reflected on later. This idea can be re-worked for
some other celebrations if desired; all it takes is a little imagination,
and creativity.”
·
Lorraine Brinkerhoff wrote to say
that sometimes it is appropriate to have showers for women who have
had several children. This is in the case of a mother who has had
a long break between babies. “I speak from experience,” she said.
“My three year old was born two months
before his youngest older brother turned twelve. Believe me, except
for a few things I saved for sentimental reasons, the baby gear
was long gone. I wished I had gone to my Relief Society president
and asked for help! You definitely have to look at each circumstance
before the decision is made whether a shower is appropriate or not.
I agree that the bishop’s wife and the Relief Society president
should not give the showers, but they certainly can guide the appropriate
people to give the shower.”
How Not to Hurt Feelings with Showers
Although
showers are meant to surround the recipient with love as well as
with gifts, it is easy to hurt the feelings of others who have not
been similarly blessed. A reader who asked that her name not be
used wrote a poignant letter that talked about how, when she was
eight months pregnant with her third child, was asked to throw a
joint shower for two other pregnant women. One of these women was
having her second child, and one was having her third. Although
the reader had not expected to have a shower for her third child,
it was devastating for her to be asked to give a shower for other
women who were in her same situation, and then not be given any
recognition whatsoever when her own child was born. “My feelings
were terribly hurt,” she wrote. “I wish I could say that they
weren’t. I realize I still have hurt feelings over this and need
to forgive. I’m working on that.
“My
feelings are that showers for first babies and first weddings are
great, and I hope everyone could experience them,” she continued.
“Beyond that, if we want to acknowledge a second marriage or birth
of additional children it should be done on an individual basis.
We really do set a precedent when we start making exceptions. It’s
just not worth risking hurt feelings.”
Grace
from eastern West Virginia, who has lived in seven states and multiple
wards, said that in her experience showers “tend to segregate women.”
Those who have a knack at picking “the perfect gift” are elevated
above those who either don’t have the time, the money, or the knack
for it. “I’ve watched many a sister who isn’t in that elite circle
have her gift belittled in one or more ways. It’s not that the
gift itself was bad, or wrong. It just isn’t the cutest, the most
fashionable, or the latest trendy thing. It certainly can’t
be, given the social status of the person who gave it.
“Please don’t try to tell me this doesn’t happen in
the Church,” she wrote. “I’ve been a member far too many years and
been to far too many showers. I routinely avoid attending showers
of any kind. If I attend, I make sure that the non-elite knew that
I really appreciated their gifts. I especially thank the ones who
gave the practical gifts, like a large volume of disposable diapers
(my personal favorite, whether as a giver or a receiver). These
kinds of gifts get used gratefully once the glamour and the excitement
die down, but usually don’t engender much gratitude at the
party.”
“Showers are also very fleeting moments,” she wrote. “True love
and support of these women comes daily, as the newlywed is encouraged
after the ‘honeymoon period’ is over, or after the baby comes and
the day-to-day events wear down the strength and resistance of even
the most capable mother. I fear that for those who really need
our support the most, showers are more hurtful in the long run,
because that moment of glory is just that: a moment. The love they
felt has too brief of a lifespan.”
Grace’s
advice is to “skip the showers. Give privately, give freely, give
regularly the kinds of things that the woman truly needs. Give service,
yes, but give the kind of service that is truly needed, not the
kind that meets your own needs more than the person you’re trying
to serve.” A “service shower” only works, she concluded, if the
giver can clean bathrooms without making a judgment about how dirty
they are, and the receiver is able to accept that type of service.
If
you are thinking of giving a shower, please take all these suggestions
to heart. Showers are supposed to be celebrations of joy, but
they should never be given at the expense of others. Before you
have a shower for one woman in your ward, ask which women in your
ward have been in similar circumstances without being acknowledged.
Before you ask people to give a gift that many may not be able to
afford, try to think of ways gifts can be given without costing
a lot of money. Remember, always, that the feelings of the guests
as well as the recipient of the shower should your be your primary
consideration. If you can celebrate in a way that everyone’s heart
is glad, the shower will be of infinite more value than a simple
means of collecting gifts for the guest of honor.
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