To read Erin’s earlier columns click on her name.
The truth comes out.
The truth is I was never the girl that got asked out much. I have never been the girl who had so many suitors that she had the time and fancy to reject a few dates here and there. In fact, my dance card was usually so empty that I spent more time looking around the room wondering what the other girls had that I lacked.
On those rare occasions, in my younger years, when I would get asked out, I was ecstatic. It was hard not to get too excited over a guy when just the simplest invitation meant everything in the world to me. I HAD BEEN NOTICED. If I got noticed by a man that I had been already noticing for a very long time, I was simply over the moon with excitement.
But the doubts were always there. Why didn't I get asked out more? Why did less attractive girls, taller girls, less intelligent girls, etc get asked out before I did? Why was I always picked last for the team?
But sometimes I did get picked for the team. And I have had the great fortune of dating some truly wonderful men. In fact, on days where I question everything that could possibly be wrong with me from my head down to my toes, I remind myself that some pretty great men did find me attractive and desirable to be with. And in that, I find comfort. I'm not a social pariah. I'm just not everyone's cup of tea.
After my column of two weeks ago I braced myself for the inevitable less than friendly backlash we call feedback. I invited it. I welcomed it. I believe everyone has the right to their opinion. (I also have a plaque in my kitchen that says, “Everyone has the right to my opinion!”) And I knew after some of the very inflammatory things that I said, (starting with, but not limited to, “I blame the men.”) that people were going to have some opinions. And that they did!
The overriding opinion was that it is time for me to turn the tables and have a frank discussion with the women. And so here we are.
Women, listen up.
But for all of the reasons listed above, I am not the one to tell the women what they are doing wrong. I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not doing everything right. Oh don't worry, I have a few things to say too, but instead, we're going to let the men do the talking today.
What is your chief complaint about LDS single women over 30?
Anonymous, over 30, Florida, never married
No one wants to “settle,” not take what comes, but you constantly hear “you deserve better”, “you are a daughter of God” “only the best”. It seems that women want to be married to a General Authority directly without the growing process. They want perfection from a man but they expect the man to accept their flaws and faults. It is a two-way street.
My biggest complaint about the LDS "over 30" singles scene was that is seemed just like high school. Stupid adolescent behavior, attitudes, head games, etc. It was really unattractive to see adult men and women acting like stupid teenagers. It only took attending a few "over 30" LDS singles events for me to choose NOT to find a date there ... regardless of how fabulous the ladies there ASSUMED they were.
J.H., 28, Utah, never married
I have dated a bit in that arena, but will direct it to LDS women in general. I think they have an extremely skewed sense of reality. The princess complex runs strong. The general attitude is that they’re “daughters of God” and as result, the world is owed them. There seems to be very little concept of equality. I see incredibly out of shape women chasing after fit guys get upset over how ‘shallow’ men are. Women content to do very little professionally or financially themselves complain about how lazy and unambitious men are. My favorite related to the princess complex is how many women are absolutely shrill and ooze negativity… and then, unaware of how ironic it is, turn around and complain that men are too afraid to ask them out.
Yes, there is definitely fear, but it isn’t fear of asking you out… it is fear of you accepting.
The ones I have dated seem to have a chip on their shoulder, wanting their daddy to be the one they want to marry. They need to understand I am not there to marry my mom, so why should they want to marry their father? Growth away from the family they grew up in is needed so as to become the wife and mother in the family.
Anonymous, 33, Utah
Where are the good ones? Haha. Having dated non-LDS women for a few years, I think the expectations may be a little high for any non-Disney character to be. I would cite something commonly known as the princess syndrome or complex.
What is the one thing you would like to change about LDS single women over 30?
Anonymous, over 30, Florida
It won't happen with the passiveness we teach in the YW program. I would like to see more aggressive, direct women. Women who ask guys out (it would be easy to say it is because I want to spread the rejection around). Let's face it, the low hanging fruit, the easy marriages, the quick fits are all gone those of us left (both genders) are the more problematic colicky kids with issues both sides have to be engaged in the hunting and finding for this to work at our ages. Speaking only for myself and using myself as an example, I people watch but don’t approach, it will take a direct
In the church it is easy to fall into the “Women are daughters of God and wonderful just in their existence” and that they are un-flawed gems of inestimable value, and that it is all the single guys fault for not “manning up” It seems to me at this point at our ages, all the apples in the barrel are bruised and seconds, a bit warty and off. Both sides need to be more accepting of what is left in the barrel. Plenty of the remaining apples will taste fine despite their blemishes and maybe some of the apples need some work to prepare and make them ready, but if you never choose an apple to cut out the bruise and polish it; it just stays in the barrel.
Anonymous, 33, Utah
Now this is certainly not all women, but I see a lot of women who have silly requirements, at least they seem silly to me. Like, “he has to be at least xxxx feet tall, so I can wear my 6” stiletto heels.” Don’t they realize that only 15% of American men are over 6’ tall and only 3% over 6’2”? So a 5’6” woman has already eliminated 85% of men. So if the ratio is already women out numbering men 4 to 1, this seems like a silly requirement, cause there are not that many men to start with.
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