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Editor’s
note: This, as the other articles on Men and Depression, deals with
generalities; each case is different and should be treated on an
individual basis and not made to fit some abstract formula. As always,
the names of persons spoken of have been changed to protect their
privacy.
Men who have read this series of articles
on Men and Depression — many of whom are the very men about
whom these articles have been written — have asked that I
address one specific group, and they have even given me some things
they want me to say.
My first thought was that I had addressed
this group in the first article in the series, but these men say
I need to focus more on this group — the beloved wives of
the grieving, depressed, and traumatized men. Please refer to the
first
article in this series, and then come back and read what else
these men want me to say especially to you.
One of the terrible things about the
written word is that the reader cannot hear the tone of voice in
which the writer is speaking. Know this is written in nothing but
the spirit of gentleness and love, and your men are praying that
you read it in that very same spirit. Know that this is not a whine
session; it is a plea for help.
Who Is This Message From?
This is not a message from
an abusive, hating man: I would never agree to speak for them! This
message is from that man who is trying his best to be a good husband,
father, priesthood holder, and son of God. And the first thing that
needs to be said, even before the article begins, is that this husband
loves you and appreciates you. He knows he wouldn't make it through
life without you. He hopes to someday be worthy of his loving wife.
Who Is This Message For?
The vast majority of the women in the
Church do not need to hear this message because they are already
doing these things. But there are those who need to hear it, so
I raise my voice in hopes that they do hear it.
The message of this article is specifically
to the Latter-day Saint wife who is married to a faithful husband
who is doing his best to follow the standards and guidance in marriage
as established by the Lord and His prophets. There are things in
this article that may or may not apply to those of you who do not
have a righteous husband who is trying live the Gospel and follow
the covenants he has made.
PART ONE: Some “Healthy Marriage” Basics
Cleaving to Each Other
Immediately upon creating Man and Woman,
Adam named his companion Woman, “because she was
taken out of Man.” (Genesis 2:23) STRONG'S Concordance defines
taken as: to take, get, fetch, lay hold of, seize, receive,
acquire, buy, bring. Adam's flesh was given to give life to
Eve — he “bought” her life with the giving of
his flesh; she acquired mortal life by the sacrifice of his flesh.
The Lord then commanded:
Therefore shall a man leave his father
and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall
be one flesh (Genesis 2:24; see also Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7;
Moses 3:24; Abraham 5:18).
In the Book of Genesis, the Hebrew
word dabaq is used where the King James Version says cleave,
and it is further defined by STRONG'S as: to cling, stick, stay
close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely,
join to, overtake, catch. The Greek word proskollao,
used when the Savior quotes the Old Testament as recorded in Matthew
and Mark, is defined as: to be joined; to glue upon, glue to;
to join one's self to closely, cleave to, stick to.
In a good, healthy marriage the only
thing a man truly wants to do is cleave unto his beloved wife. He
has no desire to join himself to or stick to any other woman. He
may still appreciate the beauty of the female form as one walks
by, but his heart and mind and devotion are firmly in the hands
of his beloved companion.
Lest the human race think all this
cleaving and sticking to was commanded only unto the men,
God also spoke to Eve and her daughters:
Thy desire shall be to thy husband
(Genesis 3:16).
There is nothing else in mortality
that the Lord has commanded a woman's desire towards as He has towards
her husband. Your husband takes priority over all other
earthly endeavors. As a woman you have a natural desire towards
your children and even towards yourself, but even this must be tempered
while you enthrone your husband in his rightful place as set forth
by Divine command — so that you will remain enthroned in your
rightful place in your husband's eyes and heart.
Whether you are a man or a woman, the
health and well-being of your marriage companion is more important
than the children, sewing hobbies, or even genealogy. It is more
important than golf, fishing, and car racing. It is more important
than any calling the bishop can give you, because your marriage
companion is the stewardship the Lord has given you.
One Command Spoken in Two Different
Ways
The startling thing about both of these
clinging to commands is that they are basically the same command;
just worded differently. A man leaves his parents behind and cleaves
to his wife. A woman leaves her parents behind and clings to her
husband. Her desires are towards her husband; his desires are towards
his wife.
This leaving behind of the parents
means that your marriage must be built in a way that works for the
two partners; it cannot be a carbon copy of how their parents built
their marriage. Perhaps his mother did in fact do something better
than her mother did; learn from it. Perhaps her father did know
something better that his father; learn from it. You are building
your marriage; not carrying on your parents' marriage. The
defense of “that's how my mother/father did it” never
overrides your companion's needs.
Just make sure that the Gospel of Jesus
Christ — including its divinely-appointed gender responsibilities
— is the foundation upon which your marriage is built.
Susan was raised in an abusive home
and knew nothing else. Knowing she was raised in such wrong conditions,
she still clung to them like a lifeline because they were all she
knew; even to the point of refusing to believe that anything her
husband could show her from his solid, gospel-centered childhood
could be any better than what she knew. She took his trying to teach
her what a Gospel-centered marriage could be to mean he was trying
to force her to live his parents' marriage.
She eventually lost her husband and
her children as they chose the Gospel over her abuse. Although she
is just beginning to admit she could have learned from her husband,
her abused, abusive mother's teachings that the man is supposed
to cater to and obey his wife are still too strong to let her husband
be her equal. (This was her mother's way to ensure that the multi-generational
abuse ended.) Her husband, however, wanted to be at least an equal
partner in marriage but was never able to while married to Susan.
Who Established the Gender
Roles Taught by the Church?
Heavenly Father established the roles
and duties of man and woman as taught by church leaders brave enough
to stick by the prophets and stand unafraid against those who are
trying to deviate men and women from the roles for which God has
created and equipped them. Simply put, to fight against these gender
roles is to fight against God.
Men and women are equal in the sight
of God. But within this equality God has equipped them and assigned
them different roles and purposes. They are a quorum —
a Latin word that denotes that they meet in council and do all things
in harmony and by common consent. By virtue of the priesthood the
husband is the head of this quorum, but both stand together with
neither walking behind the other. Section 121 of the Doctrine and
Covenants teaches how these two quorum members come to agreement
on matters that need agreement:
No power or influence can or ought
to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion,
by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge,
which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without
guile —
Reproving betimes with sharpness,
when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards
an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he
esteem thee to be his enemy;
That he may know that thy faithfulness
is stronger than the cords of death.
Let thy bowels also be full of charity
towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue
garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax
strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood
shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.
The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant
companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness
and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion,
and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and
ever (D&C 121:41-46).
As patriarchs and matriarchs, the two
offices within the patriarchal order of the priesthood, this scripture
applies to both members of the quorum we call a married couple.
Where Much is Given, Much is
Required
“For of him unto whom much is
given much is required,” said the Lord to the modern church
(D&C 82:3). Although the vast majority of scriptures that give
marital instructions deal with how a man treats his wife, this does
not leave the wife without instruction.
Giving is a reciprocal thing. If a
husband or wife expects more from his partner, he must give more
to his partner. The more respect is required, the more respect must
be given. Where more service is rendered by one partner, the receiving
partner must turn around and give compensating levels of love, appreciation,
and gratitude. Anything else allows selfishness and abuse to enter
the relationship.
Scriptural Teachings of the
Dual Responsibility in Marriage
The Apostle Paul has been sharply criticized
by those who claim he wanted to place women beneath the men. Let
us read some of his important teachings about marriage and discover
just how much he loved women and taught the men to respect them,
first from his epistle to the Corinthians:
Let the husband render unto the wife
due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and
likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but
the wife (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
Heavenly Father is not suggesting
that husband and wife have a divine right to molest and abuse each
others' bodies, as modern thinkers try to make from this passage.
Let's read both of these verses as a single quote to better
understand the whole picture.
First, God commands both husband and
wife to show benevolence to each other. Webster's defines benevolence
as “the disposition to do good; good will; kindness; charitableness;
the love of mankind, accompanied with a desire to promote their
happiness.” Notice that both husband and wife are
commanded to do good, show good will, and be charitable towards
each other while promoting each others' welfare.
Second, if husband and wife are displaying
benevolence towards each other, then certainly these verses do not
suggest in any way that abuse or violence is divinely sanctioned
in marriage. What is sanctioned, however — and even
commanded — is the giving of one's self, even the giving of
your physical self, to build up, nurture, and comfort your husband
or wife. This passage is telling both husband and wife that neither
of them has the right to withhold even their body in aid and
comfort and nourishment of their marriage partner. Your husband
or wife has the right to come to you for comfort and find it, and
you have the divine responsibility to meet that need.
Another passage by Paul that today's
critic's hate is this:
Wives, submit yourselves unto your
own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of
the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is
the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto
Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing
(Ephesians 5:22-24).
According to STRONG'S, submit in
the New Testament is defined as "a voluntary attitude of giving
in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden."
Now, with the phrase “giving in” I can hear many wives
screaming — especially those with a history of abuse. Before
screaming, however, stop and define giving in by the phrases
that immediately follow it: cooperating; assuming responsibility;
carrying a burden. I'd bet that's a much better definition of giving
in than that one you were just thinking!
Also remember that the woman is only
commanded to follow a righteous husband.
It was certainly newsworthy when the
Church stopped using the word obey to describe the manner
in which the wife follows her righteous husband. Indeed, there were
women who felt the Lord had liberated from their husbands. But before
the celebrations went too far, I hope the celebrants paused to look
up the definition of harken — which is the word the
Church now uses in the place of obey. As was noted in a
recent General Conference address and as defined in Webster's Dictionary,
harken means to “listen and follow.” A wife
who is striving to be a daughter of God has been commanded to “listen
to” and to “follow” her righteous husband, even
if we aren't using the obey word.
Carefully note that Paul does not let
the husband assume leadership in the home without his responsibilities
being equally noted:
Husbands, love your wives, even as
Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water
by the word,
That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having
spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy
and without blemish (Ephesians 5:25-27).
While a wife's love for her husband
is patterned after the love the Church shows to Christ, the love
a husband shows his wife must be patterned after the love
Jesus Christ shows for His Church — His followers. This leaves
no room for abuse of any sort. This leaves no room for self-centered
leadership or power plays. This leaves room only for love. Remembering
that where much is given much is required, it is then required for
the wife to turn and render the same unreserved love to her husband
— to include harkening to his leadership as the representative
of the priesthood in the family.
Paul compared the relationship of the
husband and the wife to the relationship between the Church and
Christ. Does the Church dictate to and give instructions to Christ?
Does the Church give Christ a list of what its members will and
won't do for Him? Does the Church decide it knows better and that
Christ needs to go sit in a corner and come out only when the Church
has the need of someone to tote heavy things around the house? Does
the Church tell Christ He is stupid and to shut up just because
He disagrees with the Church? Conversely, does Christ neglect the
Church for personal pleasures? Does he believe his employment in
the workforce is more important than his eternal stewardships?
Knowing that in this passage Paul was
speaking to a predominately Hellenistic culture that worshiped the
ideal male body (think naked Greek statue) the same way
today's media urge us to worship those mythological large chests,
gorgeous stomach muscles, and thin waistlines, it is of note that
Paul charged these body-conscious men with the following responsibility:
So ought men to love their wives
as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth
it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body,
of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave
his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and
they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak
concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of
you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife
see that she reverence her husband (Ephesians 5:28-33).
Notice that Paul spent far more
time teaching the husbands their responsibilities than he did
the wives! He spent the vast majority of these passages instructing
the husbands how to treat their wives, and then he said to the women,
in effect, “Oh, and you do likewise.” Once again, the
same commandment is given to both marriage partners.
One final scripture and then we will
address the topic this article is actually about. In modern times
the Lord has given specific commands as to the maintenance of the
wife and children:
Verily, thus saith the Lord, in addition
to the laws of the church concerning women and children, those
who belong to the church, who have lost their husbands or fathers:
Women have claim on their husbands for their maintenance, until
their husbands are taken; and if they are not found transgressors
they shall have fellowship in the church. And if they are not
faithful they shall not have fellowship in the church; yet they
may remain upon their inheritances according to the laws of the
land.
All children have claim upon their
parents for their maintenance until they are of age. And after
that, they have claim upon the church, or in other words upon
the Lord's storehouse, if their parents have not wherewith to
give them inheritances.
And the storehouse shall be kept
by the consecrations of the church; and widows and orphans shall
be provided for, as also the poor. Amen (D&C 83:1-6).
Although the husband is commanded to
maintain his wife and children, the level at which this maintenance
is set is certainly not specified and certainly should not
be decided by a single member of the quorum we call a married couple.
Once again considering the passage of “where much is given
much is expected,” a true daughter of God understands that
she dare not expect anything from her husband that she is not willing
to return in kind.
She cannot take the entire paycheck
and spend it on herself and the children and leave her husband hungry
and in rags. She cannot have a closet full of shoes while getting
angry at how much money is being spent on his bi-annual pair.
The gratitude the wife shows her husband
by maintaining him in a healthy and presentable manner will directly
determine how well and constant his maintenance of her will continue.
You Get What You Give
If you want a husband to act towards
you with Victorian courtesies, then you must use Victorian courtesies
towards him. If you want him to lead in love, then you must follow
in love. If you want him to listen and remember, then you must listen
and remember. If you want gentleness and tenderness, you must give
gentleness and tenderness. If you want a husband whose life is centered
around gratitude, service, love, and sacrifice for his family, then
you must return it in kind; otherwise you will be telling him that
you no longer wish these things from him.
And Men: go thou and do likewise.
PART TWO: Please from the Distressed,
Despairing Men
We are now down to the actual things
the men responding to these Men and Depression articles have asked
me to say. Remember that I am speaking for the good and righteous
men — not the overbearing, bossy, abusive men. They can find
their own speaker. Examples given are from stories the men have
shared with me and names have of course been changed.
Self-Reliant ... from Your
Spouse...?
Lucy completed several years of therapy
for an abusive childhood. When she was done, she mistakenly believed
she had gotten through it all on her own and that no one except
the therapist helped her. She proclaimed self-reliance as the order
of the day, stating that if she got herself through such difficult
emotional growth than everyone else can and ought to.
She refused from that time to comfort
or nourish the husband who got her through her therapy while he
dealt with his own depression, and her teenage children suddenly
had to handle life on their own as she made it plain that if they
were weak enough to ask for help than they were unworthy of her
help.
When her husband told her that all
he needed was to feel her love (he just wanted a hug!),
her angry, indignant retort was that it was his responsibility
to feel her love (without any evidence being offered) and if he
couldn't then he was being selfish and self-centered if he expected
her to do anything about it.
The wife who is dependent on a husband
who fulfills the divine command of providing for her needs —
food, clothing, shelter, worthy priesthood guidance — needs
to understand that he is worthy of every kind and grateful act she
can commit on his behalf. To be proud of how much she does not do
for him is to trivialize his efforts and belittle him as a son of
God and a worthy priesthood holder. It is the ultimate
ingratitude.
Care about Me!
There are couples even within the Church
who are mistaking the emphasis on self-reliance to mean that they
even need to be self-reliant from their spouse's support and aid.
Too many women, in a need to express their independent womanhood,
come to church and are actually proud that their husband gets himself
up, makes his own breakfast and lunch, does household chores, and
then gets himself off to work — all without her ever rising
from bed or even waking up.
She sends him out into the world unkissed
and uncared for, expecting him to actually return in the evening
and pick up where he left off with the household chores, his own
laundry and ironing, and taking care of the children, leaving the
independent woman free to spend her day doing important
things like genealogy and quilting and scrapbooking. After all,
she proudly exclaims, “Why should I do for him what he can
do for himself?”
Aren't we grateful that our Savior
Jesus Christ never took this attitude towards us? Wives, the one
thing your husband cannot do for himself is demonstrate your love,
care, and concern for him. You are the only one
who can do that. If you don't demonstrate your love and gratitude
for him, he cannot feel it, see it, detect it, or believe it even
exists. Your actions or — lack of actions — are the
final voice.
Your husband and his physical, mental,
emotional, and spiritual health should be more important to you
than anything else. Your love and support keeps him healthy and
able to continue support you financially, mentally, emotionally,
and spiritually. His is to be the breadwinner; you are to be the
nurturer — not just of the children, but of your husband as
well. This is the family plan God established. Cut off
this care and he will either slowly starve, or he will find another
place to receive nourishment.
The type of man the daughter of God
wants for a husband is the kind that does things to build up and
assist his wife even before taking care of himself. He will not
take care of his health for himself, but he will for his wife's
happiness. He will not shave and comb his hair for himself, but
he will clean himself up to make her look good when they
go out together. He will not diet for himself but he will because
she cares enough to make sure he eats right. If she doesn't care
— and show that care! — then he will not care either.
That's simply how men are. Her care will keep him alive to provide
for her, while her neglect will kill him or drive him away.
Be Quiet and Just Hug Me
One of the remarkable gifts God gave
women is the ability to fix things that have to do with the heart
and mind. But depression, trauma, and grieving often go beyond this
ability. A wise women needs to know her limits in trying to fix
these things. But even within these limits, there is one very important
role you must play — or someone else will end up
playing it.
Love must be administered by holding
him to you and hugging him. Hold his head to your breast. This medicine
must be administered without analyzing him or discussing
the issue. Sing to him; hum to him; tell him he's your knight in
shining armor — but absolutely no discussion, no questions,
and no analyzing while administering this love, or the medicine
will sour and he will look for a new pharmacy.
Someone in Esther's family told the
rest of the family that she simply tells her husband to ”get
over it” or “talk to your doctor; I'm not interested”
and even withholds her affection until he “obeys” her.
Esther's clarification of this rumor was concise and to the point:
“What kind of #$%&* do they think I am?” (Her words,
not mine; don't ask me to translate.) “Of course I hug him!
I'm his wife and I love him. And he’s not going to find comfort
anywhere but in my arms!”
Esther told me that she tells her husband,
“I can't understand what you are going through, but I can
love you.” Then she hugs him. She hugs him as long as he needs
it and listens for as long as he needs to talk. She says that she
listens but does not answer because what he needs is to be able
to talk. When he is done she hugs him a little longer and tells
him what she thinks he needs to discuss with his therapist. And,
she makes sure he takes his medicine.
From birth, life teaches men that a
woman's embrace, even being held against the breast, is the source
of greatest comfort and consolation. I do not think this is a result
of millions of years of evolution; I believe it is of divine origin.
To the man's mind and emotions there is nothing to replace it. To
hold your man to your breast to comfort and console him is not a
sexy, erotic, or exploitive action — it is a sharing of your
deepest, most personal love, affection, and comfort. It shows you
have faith and trust that the man or child you are holding will
respect you — to refuse it is to show distrust and a lack
of faith in his love for you.
It is also a sharing of love and tenderness
that is only shared with the man or child to whom you are deeply
attached. It is, as well, a fulfillment of Paul's admonition of
not withholding one's self as quoted earlier (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
To withhold this comfort is to withhold the deepest, most personal
love you can give your man, and that withholding will build
resentment.
Darcy is a childhood abuse victim,
and although she and her husband bore and raised a large family,
she could never bring herself to hold her husband or her children
to her and comfort them. Her husband learned early in their marriage
that if the children were ever to be comforted he would have to
do it. He has become so adept at showing his gentle nature to a
hurting or needy child that a Father's Day card from his daughter
bore the simple message: “All that I learned about love I
learned from you.” The only difference between Darcy and her
husband in this regard was that Darcy's husband was willing to hug
and hold.
Darcy has been through several years
of therapy, but she still refuses to comfort and console. In fact,
she has gotten to where she will briefly hug and kiss only at family
prayer, claiming that since her therapy she cannot stand anyone
touching her because of the memories of abuse it brings up. She
tells her husband, a chronic depression sufferer, that he needs
to get over his “unnatural dependency” of needing to
be hugged; he needs to realize that kissing more than once a day
is too much and he needs to learn to be more self-reliant.
“You're not my responsibility!”
she exclaimed when her husband, in agony with a bout of depression,
asked for nothing more than a simple hug and a kind word. Her husband
has finally decided to obey her instructions and has employed a
divorce lawyer to assist him in his wife-ordered self-reliance,
saying that in his eyes divorce is a lesser sin when compared to
suicide.
Once your man has been sufficiently
hugged and some shred of sanity returned — okay, now you can
talk to him. Gently and kindly, though; this is still not the time
to analyze or criticize.
Please Believe Me!
The perception a depressed, grieving,
or traumatized man can have of any given situation can be way off-center
from reality. This is where you must remember you are his wife and
not his therapist. Seek to understand his viewpoint without having
to correct it for him or agreeing with what you believe is a serious
case of warped thinking. Don't lecture him about how wrong he is
— lectures will not fix this one! Comfort and console
him and let him know “I think you're seeing the situation
in the wrong light but I am still on your side.”
Then lovingly urge him into the counseling
of a church leader or mental health professional, and let the
professional aid him in getting his perceptions zeroed in on
what is real and what is not. This way you are on his side and yet
you are still helping him. He will thank you when all is said and
done; the fact that you were on his side through the hell of what
he's going through will be a cement that will hold you together
for a very long time — a far better cement that you having
to have the satisfaction of “being right.”
Give Me the Help I Need —
Not the Help You Demand I Accept
One pitfall of wanting to fix things
is that many women decide they know what their man needs, and no
amount of talk from their husband, the bishop, or even a mental
health professional is going to deter her in what she has decided.
“They are all wrong; I know best” can often be a dangerous,
selfish, and self-centered statement.
Listen to your man and hear what he
says he needs. You may find that the love and gratitude you receive
in return for helping him in the way he thinks he needs help is
better then having to be right. Listen to your husband. Listen to
your church leaders. Listen to the therapist. Be humble enough to
try what they are saying.
Don't Touch My Chocolate!
We all self-medicate; that's just the
human in us. Do not take away what your husband uses to self-medicate
unless you can replace it with something he feels is better
and more effective. If a chocolate bar calms him down and keeps
him from screaming at the children and turning the house into a
nightmare, then don't deny him his chocolate until you have helped
him learn what a good alternative chicken soup can be — and
with far fewer calories. If you're lucky he'll come around on one
of your bad days and show what a couple of pieces of chocolate
can do for your mood!
Sometimes self-medication means building
a physical reaction — like spending time building things in
the garage or doing yard work at a time when he is alone and can
compose himself. Give him this outlet as long as he doesn't carry
it into excess.
If, however, he has turned to harmful
self-medication such as alcohol or drugs or other things that cause
harm — well, that's a different story! Take the steps you
need to and call into help the appropriate church and medical assistance
to stop destructive self-medication and help replace it with something
healthy.
Admit to Your Imperfections
Many men have confessed to me that
their wife's denial that she could possibly be doing something to
depress him is one of their greatest sources of depression! Sisters,
although we rarely dare speak of it, we already know you are not
perfect. If you were perfect you would have been translated, and
we would be missing you terribly. The fact that you are still on
earth is embarrassing, undeniable, and public proof that
your Heavenly Father believes you still have room for growth and
improvement.
Just as it is your stewardship
from God to aid your husband in attaining perfection, so it is your
husband's stewardship to aid you in gaining perfection.
Thwarting God's steward is to thwart God and your own eventual
perfection.
If your husband has the courage to
tell you that you are doing something that depresses him, remember
the Lord's words to Emma Smith:
Continue in the spirit of meekness,
and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband (D&C
25:14).
Previous articles in this series established
that “gentle” was a more accurate translation than “meek”
while reading the New Testament, so let's apply that translation
here and say that the Lord is telling Sister Emma to “continue
in the spirit of 'gentleness', and beware of pride.”
Listen to your husband in the spirit
of gentleness and love. Continue to encourage him in his recovery.
Be humble enough to examine yourself and see if, by some chance,
you could possibly be doing something in a way that would be taken
negatively by the man with whom you are trying to build an eternal
future. If needed, be willing to accompany him to his therapist
so the therapist can judge the validity of your alleged imperfection.
Remember that any marriage built on the belief that the woman is
already perfect rarely lasts past the youngest child's adulthood.
I now need to turn around and remind
the men standing behind me that when they speak to their beloved
wife about her imperfections they need to follow this same advice
— continue in the spirit of gentleness and beware of pride.
For those who need this “spirit of gentleness” further
defined, the Lord broke it down item-by-item in Section 121, as
quoted earlier in this article.
Remember: just because a man can state
verbally that you have a fault does not mean he doesn't
love you. It is, rather, proof he loves you enough to brave
your wrath! Be the gentle daughter of God you say you are and listen
to your priesthood leader's love for you. Your inability to listen
to him will rob you of the love and support your husband
could give you, while gently harkening to him will bring you in
line with God's plan for your happiness.
(One of the many reasons you help your
husband through his hard times is to ensure that you have a priesthood
leader in your home who can be an able conduit for the Holy Spirit
— so build up that resource and then utilize it, even when
you disagree with it.)
No More Male-Bashing
Latter-day Saint women are beginning
to fall prey to the current worldly trend of “male-bashing.”
Jokes told at church and in shared emails make men the receiving
end of all the world's ills while driving out of proportion those
things women think are strange and silly in their men. An occasional
joke is fine, but to make it a sport as so many women are doing
— even in the church! — is to tell your man over and
over again how stupid and worthless he is in your eyes.
A distressed man does not need to be
bashed or made fun of. He needs to be comforted and fellowshipped.
He and his feelings need to be respected and cherished by his wife.
His wife needs to realize the precious gift it is that he trusts
her with his feelings and emotions; he does not need to go to church
to find out he was the center of the jokes told in Relief Society
the Sunday before. He does not need to hear his wife, sister, mother,
or daughter comparing him to the latest “male-bashing”
email the sisters are sharing among themselves.
Along with male-bashing, many Latter-day
Saint women are falling prey to the current trend of female superiority.
We must remember that the leaders of this church, whom you have
accepted as prophets, have taught from the foundation of the Church
that women are, as Eliza R. Snow so well expressed it to the sisters,
merely their husband's equal and not his superior. Both man and
woman have God-given roles that are different from each other but
of equal importance in the eyes of the Lord. Both roles must be
equally respected. If you wish for the roles of women, womanhood,
and motherhood to be respected and cherished by men, then you must
respect and cherish the roles of men, fatherhood, and the priesthood.
Too many Latter-day Saint women are
also beginning to take an unhealthy advantage of President Hinckley's
emphasis on the men to show more and more respect to the women,
and there are Latter-day Saint women who are reaching the point
that they are abusing men while smiling and telling them that they
have to respect them because they are women. Sisters, your husbands
have asked me to remind you that President Hinckley has never
said we have to accept abuse just because we are supposed to respect
you — any more than you have to accept abuse from us just
because we are men.
When Is a Marriage Built?
An eternal marriage is built on the
foundation of how well we have struggled through this life and helped
each other along the way. When a man is trapped in the hell of depression
and trauma and his wife is the one who reaches into the dark to
help him out and holds him close, their marriage is once again cemented
with a love that will last.
If, however, the wife is the one who
turns him away to find that help from others, then the love, trust,
gratitude, and devotion that should have been awarded to her alone
is awarded to the other, and ties that should have bound him to
his wife now bind him to another.
And to the men I say: This works both
ways. Be there for your wife, or someone else will be.
Conclusion
A wife does not — and should
not — be her husband's therapist, and even her husband knows
this. But the Lord has called her to be her husband's companion,
confidant, comforter, and friend. Within these roles she loves him,
consoles him, comforts him, and helps him find the help he needs.
In doing so she seals upon herself her husband's devotion, attention,
trust, faith, and loyalty. To not do so is to drive him
into someone else's arms and help seal his affection upon someone
else.
Dearest sisters, I hope you have read
this in the same spirit of Love in which I have written it. Some
of this was very daring for me to write, but after all I have survived
on this path I've been writing about, I have the courage to say
it in hopes that my voice will help others on the same journey.
The distressed and despairing men who
have written me have asked me to send a specific message, and I
have obediently done so. God bless you in the trials you go through
with your hurting man, and my prayers for you are that you cling
to the Lord while aiding your husband. May God's fondest blessing
be on you as you help your man recover.
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Meridian Magazine.
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