Editor’s note:  Overwhelmed with the positive response to his article, “When a Handshake Isn’t Enough”, which discussed what we can do to help our troubled brother, the author was urged to continue on with this theme. A friend suggested he talk about what the grieving, depressed, or traumatized man can do to help himself. “Having been through as much depression as you have,” she explained, “you’ve got to have a few tips to help others.” This article is a response to that request.

I am not a professional mental health provider, and this article should not be read as if I am. I am, however, a traveler on a very long journey, and I can tell you what has happened to me along the way.

The first thing I can tell you is an important one.  What the mind goes through when a man is going through this type of despair is not logical and does not make sense, so don’t try to make sense out of it. One of the reasons a man going through all of this is so severely misunderstood is because it’s so impossible to understand if you have not yet walked that path.

Where I’ve Been

When the tragic events of the student rampage at Virginia Tech were unfolding, leaving so many innocents dead, I watched with horror and then with tremendous sorrow. What hit me the hardest, however, was a few days later when I read excerpts of the killer’s videotaped message.

In complete shock I called my wife and tearfully confessed that as I read those excerpts I heard each one of them in my own voice; as if it were me speaking. Everything he said was as if from my heart from ten years previous, when I first went through suicidal depression!  “I guess if I needed proof of how far I’ve come in the past ten years,” I told my wife, “That would be it.”

What was the difference between me and the student who went on the killing rampage? The only difference I could see was that when I had the chance to get help I took that chance. Ten years later I still have bouts of depression, but I now know what to look for and what to do. And that’s the journey I’d like to share, pointing out some of the mile markers for others to watch for.

How Men Set Themselves Up

One of the surest ways we men keep ourselves depressed, grieving, or traumatized is by thinking that we're not meeting some mysterious expectation of how a Real Man would react in the situation that has us distressed or despairing. All men are different and yet are all equally men. Because we are all different, we all react differently to negative events in our life. Don't let stereotypes tell you how you should react and then make you feel a failure because you didn't measure up to a stereotype.

If I were asked what makes a Real Man, here’s the attributes I would list:

• A Real Man does what is best for him, his wife, and his family — not just what is easy or “natural.”
• A Real Man seeks his wife’s council, seeks the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and follows his priesthood leaders in righteousness.

Notice that these parameters still leave us free to be the best and most manly cowboys, astronauts, policeman, firemen, soldiers, dancers, and poets we can possibly become. So let’s throw out all those other expectations and center our manliness on these simple things that make a Real Man.

Hold It In and Admit to Nothing!

Too many men internalize their problem, trials, and fears and think men aren't supposed to let them out. This is the surest, most direct path to ulcers, depression, hopelessness, and suicide that I know of. It may make you a man in someone's eyes, but it makes you a dead man. Letting it out is more manly than dying for your secrets.

Too many men are afraid of their emotions. Fear, my brothers, is an emotion all in itself. Our emotions are divinely given tools; our challenge is to use them correctly.

Too many men think it unmanly to admit to having a problem. This only makes them liars, and that's not very manly either. The courage it takes for a man to speak openly about a problem is a step that builds the man and does not tear him down.

Too many men don't believe anyone else can understand what they are going through; therefore there's no one they can talk to. Do we really as a gender believe that in the 6,000 years of Earth's recorded history we have suddenly come upon a new and original trauma? I don't know why, but yes, that's what we think.

Too many men think it's unmanly to ask for help. Even as children the male has trouble with this issue. I watch my grandson struggle and cry because he's too short to get up into a swing by himself, but he'd rather die than ask for help. I just shake my head when he's told that all he has to do is ask for help, but through his tears he puts on his defiant little face and refuses. I think the Lord made us this way so that we’d develop initiative and figure out how to do things to better take care of our families, but that’s just my guess. 

Dear brothers, no man who has walked the face of this earth was perfect except for Jesus Christ, and the fact that He was “man enough” to ask for help is clearly documented in the Gospels:

During your journey though despair in whatever form, you will plead with the Father to remove the cup you have been given. Do not doubt that Heavenly Father sends angels to strengthen you, because throughout my long journey I know I have not walked alone. Heavenly Father does not leave us alone. Even if we have not asked for or recognized them, angels are present and waiting for us to turn to God and seek His help. 

We Are Never in Control

It is a wonder that we men do not need to be “in control” when positive, happy things are happening to us — we lose all need to be in control and are simply able to go along for the ride. But let one negative, bad thing happen and suddenly our need to control the situation is out in full force! I think one of the reasons that being in control is so ingrained into the man is so he can better care for and protect his family. But anything can be taken too far!

We must realize that there are situations we can never control, no matter how hard we kill ourselves trying. All we can do is control our reactions to them. This is what a mental health professional can teach us to do. It is not a shame to learn how to control our reactions; it makes us better men to do so.

What we can't control we feel we need to fix. But what about the times it's ourselves we need to fix and not the situation?

Never Let Anger Win

There is a point in this dark journey in which we perceive that everything happening to us is everyone else's fault. You are angry at the people you perceive as making you depressed. You are angry at the people who traumatized you. You are angry at the dead or dying who are causing you to grieve. You are angry at the people you think should care but don’t appear to. You are angry with everyone in the world.

I will not lie to you: this level of anger feels good! It overpowers you and fuels your mind like nothing else can. Its seduction is greater even than drugs or sex. It makes you feel all-powerful. It is addictive and does not let go. Just the memory of it from a decade ago makes me feel powerful.

In every good science fiction or fantasy story, there is always a bad guy who becomes all-powerful through hate and anger, and that power eventually destroys him. Picture the demon in the “Night on Bald Mountain” segment of Disney's original Fantasia. Picture Anakin Skywalker becoming Darth Vader. That is a very small glimpse of the gratification that anger gives the depressed, traumatized, and grieving man. And it feels far too good to not let it have its way.

Do not get into a fight in this stage of your journey! Don’t go looking for a fight, and avoid fights that come looking for you. Your mind is not in the condition it needs to be in to determine if you’re facing a legitimate threat! You will end up in jail for taking the fight too far. Your anger is so deliciously gratifying that you will not stop until you are stopped by an external force — a policeman’s bullet, for instance.

When you walk away from a fight that your emotional and mental state is telling you to jump into, then you are walking away from the darkness of the world and into God’s manhood.

From Anger to Hopelessness

Once you realize that the only truly satisfying outlet for this ungodly level of anger is to either hurt someone (or a whole group of someones) or to hurt yourself, if there is a shred of sanity left in you then you realize that either path is not right and you simply cannot do it. All that power and nothing you dare do with it! This leaves you feeling more hopeless than the sane being can understand — hopeless for the now and hopeless for the future. Suddenly, life is no longer worth living or functioning or even trying.

This hopelessness is as devastating as the anger was powerful. Whereas anger left you feeling as if you were the true master of the universe, hopelessness makes you feel so impotent that you believe you don't even control the level of hopelessness that is overwhelming you. You go from feeling in control of everything to having lost control of everything — your mind, your heart, and even your bodily functions. It is as nightmarishly horrible as the anger was gratifying.

This hopelessness leaves the man feeling as if he is useless. He is a thorn in the side of all who know him. Everyone would be better off without him.

In my personal experience, this is when the choice to suicide engulfs your mind and seduces you. Suicide is viewed as an escape — a rescue! — from the hell of hopelessness and from the pain and anguish of everything the sufferer is experiencing. Where anger was power and hopelessness was impotency, suicide is a sweet, calm, siren song of seduction that promises to take away all pain. Because it feels as if it is the only calm in such a violent storm, there are those who mistake it to be the same calm that the Holy Spirit brings, leaving the sufferer to believe that God wants them to do it.

I am in no way trying to endorse suicide or make it look good; I am trying to show the reader how the sufferer is viewing it as an alternative and how far gone their thinking process is when they get to the point that they consider it as an escape.

Trust Those around You Who Care About You

How many television shows have we watched in which the policeman who was recently wounded or whose partner was recently killed is having a hard time handling life but is too manly to admit it until he’s hooked on pain-killing drugs, is suicidal, and is on the verge of losing his job — and only then does he finally break down in tears and beg for help? I think every program I’ve ever seen has at least one episode with this plot. If only he’d first trusted his wife, children, sergeant, and new partner when they all told him the same thing: You need help!

One does not have to be a policeman as portrayed in all those television shows for this formula to play out; it is typical of what most men go through until they finally break down and cry for help.

To bypass all this pain, a man needs to be able to trust his wife, children, coworkers, and friends when they say: “Bruce, we’re worried about you!” or “Bruce, you need help!” 

For me it was a fellow Air Force man who stood a head and a half taller than me and was as big and strong as an ox.  He lowered himself down to my desktop and said, “Bruce, I care about you. You need help; go get it.” He paused. “If you don't I will drag you there.” And he would have! So I did! I wanted to get help but I was afraid to take the first step. All I needed was to know someone cared, and he cared enough to make sure I went. Sometimes all a man needs to know is that someone cares enough to say something, and then they are empower to do it.

Many men cling to the myth that “nothing is wrong with me” until they get to the point that they honestly believe the whole world is wrong and they alone of all humans on Earth are right. Fortunately when I went through this phase a shred of logic kicked in and helped me “do the math” and realize that maybe, just maybe, I was the one who was wrong.

Be a man and trust your wife, your friends, your coworkers. And just in case it turns out you were right and they were wrong, you will then have a new topic to brag about. Yes, it’s scary admitting you need help and then seeking it, but it’s less scary than the pain and agony awaiting you if you don’t. I promise you this.

“What a Friend We Have in Jesus Christ”

If you think you are the only man who has been despised, misunderstood, and rejected, then read this scripture. If you think you are the only man who sorrows and grieves, then read this scripture and pay attention to my italicizing:

Jesus Christ knows what it is to carry sorrow and griefs, because he has borne our griefs and sorrows and is willing to continue to do so. He has offered to take them from our shoulders.

Notice Jesus made no exceptions as to who can cast their burden upon Him. He doesn't even refuse one burden over another — we will take all burdens from all of us. No one is too depressed, traumatized, or grieving to turn to Him. His shoulders are broad enough and strong enough for Him to take our load as He then takes our hand and leads us home. He already knows how heavy our load is and still He is there to shoulder it for us.

If you meet with a mental health professional, be sure to include the Savior in the process. Report to Him in prayer and plead for His continued guidance and assistance. He is there, and His shoulders are big enough to carry the load while letting you also cry on them. His arms are strong enough to hold you as you cry, and He never tells anyone what you tell him or how you've cried. He is the ultimate confidant.

When I was a young missionary in Japan there was once that I found a private place and cried in prayer, pleading with Father to know that there was just one person on Earth who loved me. In answer to my plea, I felt in the most literal sense His arm around my shoulder as He has comforted me. 

And He is waiting for you.

Natural Man versus Man of God

All these things I’ve discussed as to how men set themselves up for problems are the “Natural Man” within us, not the Man the Lord is about to create.

Oh, that “meek” word just makes us stumble, doesn’t it? As men we wince at that “Blessed are the meek” passage in the Sermon on the Mount! It may have been the best translation in the 1600’s, but today a far more accurate rendering used in most modern biblical translations is “blessed are the gentle.” So take heart — we don’t need to give up our Superman outfits to become a “meek and mild” Clark Kent; we just need to remember to be “gentle” while wearing our superhero personas.

Each man has to be the man he was born to be to fulfill his purpose in life, but within that framework there are traits all men need to develop that keep us pointed towards the goals the Lord has set for us. Those traits are contained in this remarkable passage quoted above and as summarized here:

• yield to the enticings (guidance; influence) of the Holy Spirit
• put off the natural (worldy) man and become a saint (seeker of Christ) through Christ’s atonement
• regain the innocence of a child by being submissive to the Lord, meek (gentle), humble, patient, full of love (charitable), and willing to submit to all things the Lord sends his way (face our challenges)

Jesus Christ is our example of Manliness in all things. If He did something, then it’s the manly thing to do. The above passage outlines exactly what He did in mortal life as He showed us the way to return to our Father in Heaven.

Accept You as You are and Go from There

As much as I would love it, I will never have a Chippendale body. Nor will I ever be a cowboy. Nor will I ever sing with Josh Groban’s amazing voice. I am, however, an artsy poet whose two great aspirations in life are to be the world’s best Primary chorister and the world’s best Grandfather. I have accepted me as I am, and after five decades I am almost beginning to like me.

I’m reasonably sure, however, that the Lord has further plans for me. So I will follow His lead in faith that He knows what He’s doing better than I. I will allow Him the privilege of improving me as we journey through life together. He may even surprise me with hidden talents and abilities I still don't know I have.

I also accept that I am burdened with depression as one of my mortal challenges and must find a way to achieve and live a happy, healthy life with this thorn firmly implanted in my side. So, I study the subject to see what else I can do to better myself, take my medicine, and allow the Lord to guide me.

Recognize and Correct Incorrect Thinking

One of the first things I was taught at the mental health clinic I attended was to recognize, analyze, and correct incorrect thinking and its inherent chain reaction.

To simplify what I was taught:

• First, an event happens.
• Second, you have a reactive thought that can be either good or bad, depending on how your mind has been trained through the years to react to that event.
• Third, an emotion is generated.
• Fourth, you have a physical reaction (you take action) based on that reactive thought and the emotion generated.

In this chain of events the only thing you can't control is the event that happened. With the help of a mental health professional you can learn to change and control all the other steps. Your mind can be retrained to react in a more correct way. It takes effort. It takes guidance. It takes faith. But it can be done. Your mental health provider will help you see which reactions are good or bad and help you re-teach your mind, emotions, and body how to react in the way they should.

But right now you need to understand that your prolonged depression and trauma are caused by incorrect reactions to the events that are triggering the reactions. So once again, trust those around you when they try to help you in this regard.

Identify the Source and Control / Eliminate It

Part of teaching your mind how to react correctly to the events occurring around you is to also eliminate as far as possible the activities around you that are negative. If you are in an abusive or neglectful marriage you need to step back long enough to allow you to make a healthy decision as to continuing in the relationship. If you are surrounded by violence, then you need to remove yourself from it. If you are under undue stress on the job, then you need to learn to combat the stress or find a new work situation in another office. Your mental health professional and your family will be able to help you with these decisions. Trust them while you also allow the Spirit to guide you.

Situations from which you cannot escape must be dealt with and your reactions to them must be properly managed. You cannot just quick working; you cannot abandon your family. You have to learn to handle inescapable situations and stress. Seek the Spirit and the council of those around you, and act in the way that is correct.

Make Changes to Your Environment

Along with eliminating the source of your despair and distress as much as you possibly can, you must also remove as many of the other negative influences around you as you can.  They are competing with your new-found positive attitude and must not be allowed to continue.

I have always had a love for music; it's one of my greatest passions in life. I can literally change my emotions by the music I listen to, and I was doing this long before sociologists were talking about it during the Rock Era. When going through a depressive bout there are certain of my favorite albums I simply don't listen to, because there will be just one or two songs that are negative, and even that is too much.

Those things with which I surround myself when battling depression — especially music! — must pass a test that I established for myself:

• They must inspire me
• They must lead me to positive aspirations
• They must make me hope.
• They have to leave me smiling — inward or outward

I have discovered hymns to be the greatest musical fulfillment of these requirements when I am depressed. I have collected a good number of gospel albums that I play on a regular basis because of the positive energy they bring into my life. I do not confine myself to the few hymns in our hymnal, but I actively seek out the beauty in hymns of all styles and sources that touch my heart and build me up. And from this renewed love for hymns I have discovered the joy of writing hymns myself.

Redesign or rearrange the environments in which you live and work into as calm and peaceful situations as you can. Unclutter your rooms and desks into calmer things to look at and live in. This will in turn help your mind remain calmer.

One thing that was drilled into us over and over again in the depression, anger, and stress management groups I attended was this:  Do not stay within a work situation where you are isolated from other workers.  You must get into a situation where you are interacting with others.  Left to yourself you turn your mind more and more into yourself and your problems. Talk to you supervisor and bring a note from your doctor if needed, but get yourself moved out of any isolated situation.

Evaluate those you associate with and determine if they are surrounding you with positive or negative influences, and take action accordingly. At this stage in your life you need to associate with those who are building you and not tearing you down. Explain to your friends that you are not judging them; you are simply trying to heal yourself and must take the actions you are taking to increase the positive feelings around you. A mental health professional can help you make these decisions and take these actions. Again, trust those around you who love you or are counseling you.

Take Your Medicine

Facing a lifetime of taking medicine is totally repugnant to many men.  That’s kin to being controlled by that little medicine bottle instead of being the one in control. We need to adjust our thinking to understand that by taking our medicine we regain control — control of our mind — from those forces that would take that control away from us. Every time you sigh and think you want to go without your medicine, remember that you are doing it for your wife and children. You are doing it so that you can return to being a fit servant to assist the Lord in service in His kingdom.

My wife suggests that the manly man should think of medicine as a tool. She's says it's a tool to fix what's wrong inside your head. As men, we do understand the proper use of the proper tool.

Present Yourself to the Lord on a Regular Basis

This is one of the hardest things to do. You feel so unworthy of talking to God or even thinking He's near you. But He is near you and He does love you. He loves His hurting children with a fierce, loyal love that is unexplainable in its grandeur and completeness.

It is a time-worn phrase that you should pray when you don't feel like it. This is so true at this time in a man's life! God already knows the things in your heart, but He needs you to speak them to Him. You will find great solace in the tenderness of a very compassionate Heavenly Father, even if you don't feel it from anyone else.

Attend your Sunday meetings no matter how much your pain and agony beg you to stay home. The primary purpose of attending our Sabbath meetings is to “offer thine oblations and thy sacraments unto the Most High” (D&C 59:12) — “oblations'” being defined as “any thing offered or presented in worship or sacred service; an offering; a sacrifice.” (Webster's 1829 Dictionary)

Come to church and offer God your heart — your broken heart and contrite spirit, to be exact.  You will be surprised how He can fill it and return it to you. It is a command that we come to His house to perform this oblation, and by doing this simple thing we bring His blessings down upon ourselves, “...inasmuch as ye do this, the fulness of the earth is yours...” (D&C 59:16).  Part of that fullness is a healthy, sound mind and spirit.

Unless you are a bishop currently serving in that office, you are not a judge. If your bishop, who is called to be a “judge in Israel,” has determined you worthy to attend the temple, then trust his judgment (even if you don't agree) and make regular temple attendance part of your routine and part of your healing process. Not only are you giving yourself in service to others, but you are also spending time in a sacred, reverent, and calm environment where the Spirit can more easily penetrate the haze you are living in and nourish your mind and heart.

The Holy Spirit as Your Companion

There is a reason that one of the greatest titles worn by the Holy Spirit is that of “Comforter.”

The Comforter is the third member of the quorum of the Godhead. It is He who brings to our mind and heart all the communications from the Father. It is He who brings divine comfort and love to us. It is through trusting and following His guidance that we have faith enough to take cautious, fearful steps forward into the dark that eventually lead us into the light.

I testify with every fiber of my being that the Comforter will be there to guide you through all the pain and suffering. How well I remember the many nights my mother played her piano after getting all of us to bed, and one of her favorite hymns was “Teach Me to Walk in the Light of His Love.” Thank you, Mother, for teaching us where to look for help! Such a simple testimony through song has constantly reminded me to trust when I had no trust left.

Service is a Powerful Medicine

All those books that instruct you to center your mind and your thoughts all on yourself to build your self-esteem are mostly wrong. To dwell on '”me” is to become self-obsessive and unforgiving of every little mistake you make as well as the perceived mistakes others make in their association with you. These books can quickly become a prison from which few escape.

Fight to stop dwelling on yourself! It only intensifies the pain and the hurt. Instead, give yourself over to others so you can forget about yourself. Be of service to others so you can feel good about yourself and be satisfied that no matter how bad off you are you are still of worth to those you have served and who loves you.

What did the Lord say for us to do to “find ourselves”? He was, in fact, very specific — so specific that it's repeated several times in the Gospels:

See also Matthew 16:25 and Luke 9:24. Consider also:

As the hymnal teaches us,

While in service to his fellow beings, the distressed brother's mind is diverted from obsessing on himself and his pain, and for that short time he centers himself on others. By doing so he brings Heaven's blessings down on himself; thus he is reassured of God's love as well as his neighbor's appreciation. Service is powerful medicine and through it you discover who you are (a loving servant to all mankind) and what you can become (a servant of the sort Christ is and has commanded us to become). To be anything else is to betray who are while wasting the purpose of our creation.

While we were on a death watch for our seventh child (a baby of only a few weeks), we took time from the hospice one Sunday to attend our church meetings. Hearing that a chorister was needed in Primary, I practically ran to Primary to announce that I was there to lead the music. (I'd been a Primary teacher in that ward, so they knew my love for Primary.)

“Are you sure you're up to it?” the loving, concerned sisters asked. My reply was that the Lord had blessed us so much that how could I not help? I also explained that I also needed the spiritual nourishment of those innocent, pure spirits singing to me. I was immediately handed the songbook, and I spent the following two hours singing to and being sung to by those precious little angels. What healing occurred that day! Peace did bind up my broken heart.

Forgive Everyone You've been Angry Towards

By this point in your life you have a lot of people to forgive. According to your despairing perception, pretty much everyone on Earth has offended you, misunderstood you, laughed at you, criticized you, condemned you, run away from you, abandoned you, and otherwise hurt your feelings.

In your mind say to the Lord: “I forgive everyone for being human and not knowing what they were doing, because I now understand that they really didn't know what they were doing. And in return, Father, please forgive me for judging them so wrongly.” Then, take out a pair of large mental scissors and cut the stings that bind all that resentfulness and hurt to you and cast it to the winds so that you can never run after it and gather it back up. Throw it all away and turn in friendship to them and rejoice together in the beauty of your new-found life.

A very wise Sunday school teacher used to teach that when we forgive we are freer than at any other time on our life. We are free from every force that has tried to control us and hurt us. And that includes depression.

The Power of Love

George Lucas and J. K. Rowling got it right when they did not write about Good verses Evil. Instead, they presented us with incredible tales of Hate (anger) verses Love. The Star Wars sagas as well as the Harry Potter tales are all about this surprisingly simple concept.

Luke Skywalker knew there was good left in his father. To find that remaining love, an innocent, untrained farm boy toppled an empire built on Hate to save an unsaveable father. The Emperor himself, in all the strength and power of his Hate and Anger, failed to turn Luke to the Dark in his quest to redeem his father.

Likewise in the Harry Potter series, Professor Dumbledore never gave up on those who wandered and were enveloped by the power of Hate, knowing that Love is the greatest power in the universe. Through the power of Love a neglected, abused orphan named Harry Potter has faced the most evil wizard in a century several times now and won. (We have certain expectations for the final book!)

No wonder so many of today's readers have been held spellbound by these two incredible storytellers! What timely messages for today’s confused and hate-filled world!

The power of Hate/Anger leads a man to either control or destroy everything around him, while the power of Love leads him to build up all that is around him. Love eliminates the selfish quest for strength and power and turns the man to the path of service, charity, and sacrifice. Instead of sacrificing others to his dark, hellish emotions, the man turns to sacrificing himself for the benefit of others. Instead of seeking authority he seeks to acknowledge He who holds all authority and to do His will. Instead of taking life, the man seeks to offer his life.

For me, the power of Anger has a far more powerful physical feeling than Love, but the feeling of Love is accompanied by a calm and peace that Anger will never contain. I no longer need the power that comes with Anger, as all true power belongs to God. I do, however, need the calm and peace that comes with Love, and all such calm, peace, and Love also belongs to God, and He has told us what to do to bask in it with Him. That is what I need.

Such is the awesome power of Love. When this has finally been obtained then the man knows he has finally put off the natural man and has become a saint through the atonement of Jesus Christ (ref. Mosiah 3:19) This is the moment that Life begins anew for the depressed, troubled, and grieving man. He may not be all the way to the end of the journey (few of us ever are), but he knows where he’s going and how to get there and how to stay on the path. Let us continue to extend our love, fellowship, and hand to help him continue on the path.

When will it end? When will I know I’m cured?

Midway through my group sessions for depression management, I asked the councilor running the class how would I know when I was no longer depressed. Would a light come on and an angel chorus sing? Would I suddenly just feel good? How was I to know?

He told me that so far he'd not seen any angel choirs. But he said that one day I would simply realize how long it had been since I had been sad. I would be surprised to find myself happy for no reason. I would realize I hadn’t cried for a least a week. I would realize: “Gosh, how long has it been since… (fill in the symptom)?”

Although many who go through these things will reach a point when they are cured, I do not believe that a person such as myself, diagnosed with chronic depression, will ever complete my journey until death takes me home to Heavenly Father and I am rewarded with a brain whose chemical systems have a better warranty than the one I’m currently using. My hat is off to those who complete their journey here in mortality, and my only request is that you don’t forget the rest of us.

Finally, a Real Man Beings to Emerge

Midway through my therapy for my first suicidal depression, I was assigned to return to work and send an email to all my co-workers, explaining what I was being treated for and asking if they’d seen any progress in me. I did not think I had made any progress, and a wise doctor needed me to understand that I had. So, with great fear, I sent the email.

I will never forget one reply. It was from one of the ranking men in the office — tall, handsome, muscular in all the right places, and hair and a smile that wouldn’t die. He even had dimples. He had been in a combat unit that was highly decorated, and he even rode a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. What else could a man want to be than a drop-dead gorgeous combat soldier with a big, manly motorcycle, spewing testosterone wherever he went? Standing next to him, I would never have dreamed of calling myself a “man.” His reply to my email astounded me:

So my dear brothers, I want you to know that seeking treatment and making the journey from the Dark to the Light is a very manly thing to do. To reiterate my view of what a Real Man is, he is someone who seeks what is best for himself, his wife, and his children; not what is convenient or easy. He seeks his wife’s council and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. And, he follows his priesthood leaders in righteousness. Seeking help for depression, grief, and trauma fulfills all of this while making yourself a fitter vessel for the Lord to use in His service. And that is the man the Lord wants you to become.

May God bless you on your journey, and if we should meet somewhere along the way, then know that there will be yet one more hand to help you along.